...but why is the rum gone?

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i am crazy nervous about meeting these random lesbians!!! i'm so scared that i'm going to show up at the bar, see the table of people i'm supposed to be meeting, and then wuss out, turn around, and go home... and i passed up a shift at work tonight for this. i should have just gone with the money. it's way less scary. i could have bought a nice new video game with it, and then spent the rest of my life hanging out at home with my cats. isn't there a less scary way to meet girls?? slakskjaflkjklj why do i suck???

overly mean? not mean enough? suck it up and shut up? your opinions, please...
does this sound overly cruel or whiny? i'm about to leave it on best buy's website. i am so pissed right now!!!
( rant )

generally speaking, when you want somebody you can't have, do you think it's best to tell them, or to keep it to yourself? and why?

does your answer change based on:
- the way in which you want them? (i.e. love, lust, silly crush)
- the reason you can't have them? (i.e. they're in a new relationship, they're in a committed relationship, they're married, they're of the opposite sexuality, they're just not that into you, you're in a relationship)
- who they are to you? (i.e. a good friend you've developed feelings for, a co-worker you'll have to see every day until you retire, a friend of a friend you could either be-friend or never see again)

??????
somebody?

gracified? help?
so i was mowing my lawn... now, i haven't mowed my lawn for a good month. there's been no rain, and dead grass doesn't really grow. and unless i'm mowing my lawn, i'm not in my back yard. my master bedroom window overlooks the front yard. i know it sounds silly, but i've not even LOOKED in my back yard since i mowed my lawn last, over a month ago.

so i go out there, get the whole front yard done, head into the back yard, and i'm confronted with ( THIS!! )

dude, this whole being grown-up bit... it kind of sucks! i never thought i'd put this much effort into appliances EVER but here i am stressing out about it...

i had a coupon for hhgregg, and they're offering 2 years, same as cash, and they're supposedly having a big sale, too, so i went over there after work to check out all the things on my list.

first of all, i cannot see a difference between any of the flatscreen tvs. show me a 52-inch lcd, and it looks like every other 52-inch lcd to me. sony, sharp, toshiba, lg... they're all the same. i switch to look at the plasmas, and they look the same as the lcds! i seriously can't find a difference between any of them. i stood in hhgregg forever, looking from one tv to the next, and they all look just the same to me. given that, you'd think i'd just go for the cheapest one, but i feel like i must be missing something, and i lean towards the most expensive ones, figuring other people must see what i don't, or i break out consumer reports and try to go with them... i have no idea.

so then i give up and move on to appliances. my current appliances are a mixture of brands and colors (although the three major ones are mostly black). my current dishwasher doesn't work at all. the microwave is an old one rashid gave me years ago, and it sucks--the turntable is broken, and the food gets cooked very unevenly, even when i stop it every 10 seconds and rotate the plate. so a hundred bucks for a new small microwave is definitely a good investment. my oven is functional, as far as i know, but i think it must have come with the house. it looks very old fashioned. it's electric, but it has the coils and it's a pain to clean when i make a mess. i'd really rather have a new smooth-top electric range. the fridge is noisy and the freezer light is broken--it flashes on and off randomly--but other than that, it works just fine. but i really want all my appliances to match... and i really want stainless steel...
since the dishwasher is the one that is completely broken, i start with dishwashers. i break out consumer reports, and i listen to the salesman, and i eventually decide that if i were to get a dishwasher from here, i would want a whirlpool model. it's $100 more for the stainless steel one... but that's kind of where i'm leaning. the other 3 rounding out the top 4 are all kenmore, though, so i feel like before i go with this one, i should probably stop in at sears to compare.
so then i go to check out the other appliances, and i come to realize that each manufacturer makes their stainless steel just slightly different. it's just enough difference that it would drive me bonkers, looking at an oven right next to my dishwasher with just a slightly different finish, right below my microwave with yet another finish... so basically, if i want all my appliances to match, i have to get all the same brands... whirlpool also had the top-rated fridge, so i'm good with that. they didn't do nearly as well in stoves or microwaves, though. still, i took down the top brands and the prices, and after much pressure from the financing guy, i convinced them that i really did want to go look at sears before i bought anything there, and i came home to research... i looked up the whirlpool oven i had been looking at, and on bestbuy.com, there was one consumer rating... which said the smoothtop burner didn't even get hot enough to boil water! since i almost never cook in the oven, and only ever cook on the burners, this is clearly the biggest deal to me... kenmore seems to be the best brand overall, so i guess tomorrow i'll hit up sears. only problem is, the dishwasher at sears is over $100 more, plus i don't get to use the coupons from hhgregg (which could have saved me $200, if i got all new appliances there).
and any way you look at it, i'm looking at around $2100, plus whatever i pay for delivery and installation, to replace all 4 appliances, where if i just got a new dishwasher and microwave, it'd be less than half of that, AND i could get the cheaper hhgregg ones, if i wasn't worried about matching the brand of a new stove and fridge. but if i'm going to get half new appliances, shouldn't i just go ahead and get the rest?

owning a home comes with too much decision-making!

Posted using TxtLJ
how do i make this friends only?

my realtor smells really good. luckily, she's not hot, and this doesn't cause any problems or anything, but she handed me a paper today. a little bit later, when i was by myself, i noticed something smelled really hot, and i realized it was my hand, just from holding her paper. i smelled it up close and it absolutely smelled like something i'd want to have sex with...

so i'm a girl. i could never wear a girls' fragrance because i'd spend all day smelling myself and then wanting to take that smell to bed with me. i objectively enjoy the smell of some boys' fragrances and could probably wear that, but that seems a little bit too gay. so i wear no fragrance. but how does it work for other lesbians and/or gay boys? how can you wear a scent that goes with something you'd want to fuck? or how can lesbians be attracted to girls who wear guys' scents? are they attracted to them in spite of it, or do some lesbians actually find themselves attracted to boys' scents, just not boys?

auragfhakjsdhfkjhg what do i do to make myself stop COUGHING????? i'm seriously so sick of this i just want to cry...

overdose on: stressing-talking-thinking-laughing-people-noise-music-trying too hard-myself.
that's the worst one. i was too much and i've overdosed on myself and consequently, i feel (maybe incorrectly--maybe not) that everybody else has overdosed on me, too. and so i live in fear that i just lost everything. thank goodness i'm working most of the day tomorrow, and have left myself with not much time to dwell.

(objectively, it may have been a good time. i can't tell for sure.)

happy new year, world.

somebody comment on this please? i'm testing my new mail account. (screw windows live hotmail!)

is anybody else having trouble getting comment notifications?

hi guys. i think i might be a little bit abnormal, so i'm trying to get a feel for what normal is... i made this really easy for you. please comment if you have more to add--i'd love to hear from you--but if nothing else, just vote, ok?
and this is NOT about love for somebody sexually. when you're thinking about people, don't think about anybody you've ever slept with, or anybody you ever wanted to sleep with. that doesn't count...

Poll #1014409 love and affection
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None, participants: 63

1. when you see your family for the first time in a little while, do you hug them?

yes
54 (85.7%)

no
9 (14.3%)

2. if you answered yes to #1, why do you hug them?

because they hug me first
15 (27.8%)

because it's the normal thing to do, in my family
26 (48.1%)

because i'm excited to see them, and i want to hug them
37 (68.5%)

other (explain in a comment, if you like)
2 (3.7%)

3. when you see your friends for the first time in a little while, do you hug them?

yes
46 (73.0%)

no
17 (27.0%)

4. if you answered yes to #3, why do you hug them?

because they hug me first
10 (21.7%)

because it's the normal thing to do, in my group of friends
15 (32.6%)

because i'm excited to see them, and i want to hug them
40 (87.0%)

other (explain in a comment, if you like)
1 (2.2%)

5. is there anybody that you would never even THINK of in a sexual way, but you like to cuddle with them?

yes
32 (50.8%)

no
31 (49.2%)

6. have you ever kissed anybody (on the cheek or forehead or something) not for show, and not in a sexual way, but just because you loved them?

yes
51 (81.0%)

no
12 (19.0%)

7. if yes to #6, have you ever done this to somebody who wasn't in your family?

yes
43 (75.4%)

no
14 (24.6%)

8. do you think it's possible to think that somebody is amazingly beautiful--one of the most beautiful things you've ever seen--but to not be attracted to them?

yes
59 (93.7%)

no
4 (6.3%)

9. if yes to #8, do you think it's possible to feel this way about somebody who's not in your family?

yes
57 (98.3%)

no
1 (1.7%)

ok, thanks!

i'm back, with some [not so] important questions:
if your best friend asked to use your comb, would you let them? would you think anything of it?
what if it was just a casual friend?
or a co-worker?
a random bum on the street?

would your answers be different if it was a brush or fingernail clippers, instead of a comb?

(don't try to figure out where i'm coming from, with these questions. just answer, k? thanks...)

hi.

i just noticed that i have people on my friends list who may not exist, as they haven't commented or updated in months. i also have people on my friends list who may not know i exist.
nice weather=spring cleaning.
feel free to comment if you have any strong feelings about staying or going.
if you don't comment, i might cut you, and i might not. in fact, i might never get around to making cuts at all. i tend to procrastinate... but yeah, this is just a heads-up, in case you care. somewhere in my mind, there are thoughts of a friends cut...

dear america,
what were you thinking?!?!?!?!?
love,
me

(that's in reference to the sabrina/haley thing. i wasn't wowed by sundance and i think sanjaya is precious, but i didn't vote for either of them, so you can't blame me.)

i'm going to bed right now, but for anybody who cares to hear my opinion:
i'm glad wes won the safety.
i'm glad ct lost the duel.
i really wanted to see jody go into the duel and lose, so that it would be aneesa and svetlana in the end, but i suppose i knew that was wishful thinking. i kind of wish aneesa had won the duel, because i feel like she would have a better shot at beating jody in the final, and i wanted aneesa or svetlana to win.
so, who i want to see win next week: svetlana and wes.
who i actually think will win next week: jody and... i don't know. i'll go with wes...

here's the thing: i'm really obsessive. when i like somebody, no matter how i like them, i want to know everything there is to know about them. i want to know stupid facts about them, like what car they drive, and what size they wear. i want to know their feelings and opinions, like what they think about abortion, and what their favorite color is. and i want to know where they are and what they're doing, at all times.
obviously, i can never know all of that. but i can get pretty stalker-ish about trying to find out as much as i possibly can.

on a completely separate note, when i find a girl i think is hot, i don't necessarily obsess over her. i do, however, stare. a lot.
and by stare, i don't mean that i just stare at her for long periods of time, unblinking. what i do is more subtle, and somehow more fulfilling. it's like drinking her up, with my eyes. because it's so rude and tactless to stare, i sneak glances. each glance is like a little sip, or sometimes a big gulp, and with every glance, i feel her filling me up, and i feel charged. it drains almost as fast as it comes, but still, it's fun. work an 8-hour shift with a hot girl, and that's a lot of harmless gulping and draining and charging yourself up. it's kind of fun, and definitely sexual.

the point: the woman at work...
she's nearly twice my age. she's straight, married, with kids. she's not hot, like the kind of person i'd ever want to sleep with, but i do like her. i want her to be my mother, more than anything. to anybody else, it might seem weird, but to me, i'm used to chasing down un-attainable mother figures. i've been doing it for as long as i can remember. (i hold that there was nothing wrong with my own mother, but my therapist says that there must be, or i wouldn't be so desperately seeking somebody to mother me, at the age of 24. that's a whole separate argument, though.) the point is that i like this woman, and i'm pretty obsessive about it--walking by her office just to see where she is, and what she's doing. listening in on every conversation i can possibly hear her having, because i want to know all the details of her life. sure, i'm obsessed. and i wish she was my mother, right?

so yesterday, i was at work. it was about 3:30, and she normally doesn't leave until at least 4, so i wasn't worried about racing to the window to see if her car was still there, or anything like that. i was actually working, and i printed something, and walked to the printer to get it, and as i rounded the corner, she was walking out the main door to our room, with all of her stuff. she was leaving, at 3:30!
i got my stuff from the printer, turned around, and walked back to my office. immediately, i wanted to rush to the window to see her leave. i checked myself, though. i had a little conversation with myself in which i pointed out that there's really no point in going to the window. i know what car she drives. i know where she's parked. from the window, i cannot see which way she turns onto the street, so i will get no details as to where she's going. and because i saw her with her stuff, there's no doubt that she's leaving. i don't need to go to the window to confirm that.
i didn't want to argue any of those points. there was nothing factual i could gain by going to the window... but without a doubt, i wanted to do it anyway. and so i did, because self-restraint has never been my strong point. i faked watching the clouds and the weather for a while, while i waited for her to make her way downstairs and out the door. and then i saw her. my eyes took a surprisingly desperate gulp of her and i felt full--charged. there was a strange sense of happiness and relief, just at having seen her. i turned away from the window to go back to my desk, and i suddenly felt the overwhelming desire to turn around and look again, have just one more drink of her...

i probably would have, too, had i not felt so overwhelmed by these feelings. what am i doing? i'm supposed to drink the hot girls and obsess over the mothers. when i start to crave glimpses of a girl, it means i want her. do i want her? i don't think i want her. and good lord, i don't want to want her. if there was ever an unattainable woman, this is her...
what's going on?!?!

do you know what i think is amazing?

there are 100 calories in a package of handisnacks, and with that, you get 8 breadsticks and cheese.
there are 100 calories in a 6 oz container of yogurt.
and there are also 100 calories in 2 tbsp of chocolate syrup!!!
that's ridiculous!! how in the world is that possible?

(and yet, i still cannot stop myself from making chocolate milk, regularly...)

it is never ok. we have a good conversation and settle everything and two days later, even if nothing has actually gone wrong yet, i'm already freaking out like something HAS gone wrong. i just read back through 3 weeks worth of entries, and something is always wrong. i can't go more than 3 days without getting upset about something. it's not always a freak-out... sometime i say nothing, and it resolves itself. sometimes, i disguise it as a normal conversation, but sneak in a blow here or there, to make her feel bad. and sometimes i freak out. but no matter how i react, outwardly, my problem is that inwardly, it is never ok. and what the fuck am i supposed to do about that?!?!?!?!?

i got a mole scraped off my stomach today, and then courtney went with me to get blood drawn. after that, i went to her place and we watched rent, and i don't know what it is, but i feel like crap. i feel like crying. i am never allowed to watch depressing movies ever again. i don't get what's wrong with me. i hurt. my stomach and my arm and my heart. i don't get why i feel so empty, and why i can't talk myself out of this. i don't get why i'm 25 years old and i've NEVER had a girlfriend, ever. i don't get why i feel like this is the only thing that matters. i don't get why i want a hug so badly, and i don't get why when i get a quick hug goodbye from courtney, it does nothing for me, but i'm convinced that if i could just have ONE MORE, then it would fix everything. it wouldn't. what would???? and why does it kill me so much when courtney talks about all of these lesbian couples she knows with houses and cats, living happily ever after? is there some kind of rule that she has to share all of her friends with me? do i think that if she doesn't share her friends with me, she doesn't love me? i don't understand what's going on in my head that makes me hurt this much. i just want a hug...