(no subject)
stupidfool

I think several years ago I heard Heart's "all I want to do is make love to you" for the first time since childhood and was shocked to realize it was not actually a love song, but a song about a woman cheating on the one she loves with a stranger she picked up on the side of the road.

I just heard it again (clearly, I don't frequently re-listen to songs from the 80s)... And is it actually a song about a woman cheating on the one she loves with a stranger she picked up on the side of the road for the sole purpose of getting pregnant by him, because her lover can't get her pregnant?!?
Or am I crazy? Because for like 20 years I thought the "steel horse iRide" Bon jovi sings about was a roller coaster somewhere...
(Yeah. And this was before the days of ipads, iPods, and iPhones. I was the first one to do that with an i!!! Apple owes me... :-P )

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(no subject)
stupidfool

I want to post about camping and the weekend and the good things and the bad things and the facts but I can't think. I can't do anything. I'm so tired and I don't sleep and all I want is her, to curl up in her arms and have her stroke my hair and promise it will be ok, but what's even not ok in the first place?? Only that I want that from her?! I need a new battle to fight. I don't understand what is in a normal person's head all day? What do you think about when you're driving? What do you think about when you're showering? When you're waking up or falling asleep? When you're doing mindless tasks like cooking dinner? When you can't focus on work at work? All I can think about all the time is her. They tell me I need to focus on me because I can't control other people and instead I need I need to focus on things I can control, my own thoughts and my own emotional responses, take a deep breath and move off of her and onto me, but that's not specific. What about me? What is there to think about that could possibly take over my head the way she does?

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(no subject)
stupidfool

Oh and also: hedwig totally cleaned up at the Tonys last night!! And that's one of the shows I'm seeing in NYC so I'm super stoked and so glad I picked that show!!!

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(no subject)
stupidfool
what is a tv show that has aired one season and a second season may still be on the way?

the internet ate my life
stupidfool
i think i've spent like 10 hours on the internet today and somehow it is after 5 a.m. right now. but i found two really fascinating stories and my desire for more information has been insatiable!

did you ever hear about the 19-year-old girl who posed as multiple boys in order to date a 15 and 16-year-old girl? as a girl, she was friends with both of the younger girls... and then as one boy, she dated the one girl, and as another boy, she dated the second girl, all at the same time! so she was like three people at once! this went on for months, and then when they found out, she eventually went to jail for fraud and assault!
it seems as though at least one of the younger girls (and possibly both) consented to the sex with the boy, when they thought it was a boy. it was only after they realized the boy was actually a girl that they were upset about having had sex with her. i guess the assault conviction was because of the age difference too, but it kind of disturbs me because what is the limit for consensual sex over there? if this was actually a 19-year-old boy having consensual sex with a 16-year-old girl, would the boy have received such a harsh prison sentence?
i don't believe the 19-year-old was FTM (i actually found a surprising lack of detail on the 19-year-old--only a report that she was later diagnosed with ADD and some level of autism), but what if she was? or what if she'd been intersexed? or what if the girls were legal and the 19-year-old had been 22, but had said she was 19? is all of this 'fraud' and punishable by law??
i read like a million articles on this today, but here's one with a basic summary, if you're interested...
summary


also today, i found out that in 1972, there was a plane crash in the andes and the survivors were stranded on the mountain for months, eventually keeping alive only by eating the flesh of the dead! did you know this?? this sounded horrifying at first, but the more i read about it, the more brave and courageous these people seemed, and the more inspirational their tale became...
wikipedia tells the story well here, but when i am allowed to walk again, i think i'd like to go to the library and get the book written by one of the two survivors who spent days hiking out of the mountains and finding a rescuer for the group.


and now i need to go to bed for real...

(no subject)
my hand
stupidfool
do you remember the song like all i wanna do is make love to you from back in the day? i was just a kid when i heard this song, but i thought it was sweet and romantic...

i just listened to it again, for the first time since maybe the early 90s... and it's totally about a one-night stand!!! catchy, nonetheless, but much less romantic than i'd thought for the past 20 years!!

(no subject)
maxwell
stupidfool
i'm having a rough time. it's been just over a week since my surgery now. my dad had been here taking care of me, but he left 6 hours ago or so. since then, i've been watching tv and feeling like a huge loser. i'm not sure who's to blame...

when i was working 6+ days a week at two different jobs, i was socializing on the job, with people who i really thought were my friends. when i was at work, we would make plans to hang out outside of work, and then we'd do that evenings or weekends or whatever. and then i also had a whole other group of friends that i was seeing regularly.

since surgery, i've seen nobody but my dad and my physical therapist. some friends are texting to check on me, but some people who i really thought were my friends haven't called, texted, or even liked a facebook status of mine. one 'friend' even texted me three days after my surgery to see if i could cover her shift! (when i pointed out that i'd had surgery 3 days ago (which i KNOW she knew was happening) she did say, 'oh yeah' and then ask how i felt.)

the guy who is trying to do my job in my absence has called me nearly every weekday. i know he's calling because of work issues that he can't handle without my help, but then he updates me on the latest gossip and asks how i'm doing. i never even really considered him a friend before this, but i'm now starting to feel like he could be one of the best friends i have.

i begin to feel like people are only nice to me when i shove myself in their faces, and remind them that i exist. i thought i had build friendships that stretched beyond work or shared activities, but the past week is making me question that. and beyond that, it's just making me feel like crap. i ache. i can't walk and i can't drive so i am stuck sitting around the house, wishing i had friends to entertain me or places to go.

i know it's only been a week, but i'm already torn about how to handle things when i'm not crippled and my life resumes. the people who fell off the face of the earth when i wasn't there reminding them of my existence and forcing them to react to me, what do i do with them? do i try to pick up our relationships where we left off, or do i take this as a sign of where i really stand and move on?

i don't know--am i overreacting because life sucks when you're freshly cut open, alone, and in pain? is a random text here or there acceptable from a good friend? would a casual friend think it could be better to leave you alone entirely and let you recover in peace? would these people have been trying to come see me or check on me if they knew my dad wasn't around? (if that's the case, should i expect an outpouring of support now that he's gone? i haven't had that, although i have had really good support from a few friends, which is definitely better than none.) should i be texting them, asking what they're up to and trying to organize activities? without me doing that, maybe they think i'm not well enough to get out or socialize... but given the fact that i can't drive myself anywhere, it seems pretty shady to try to get a group of people to do something with me, and then turn around and beg one of them to come pick me up before and drop me off after. i feel like since people know i'm housebound and at the mercy of friends, they should be offering to come get me to do stuff and if they're not, it means they don't really like me that much after all. i guess i need to just accept that not everybody is going to like me as much as i like them.

in this mindset, i decided to go ahead and make an lj friends cut. sometimes i feel like my lj life is the same way--i reach out to people, and they barely notice i exist, or i'm just a nuisance. so for pretty much the first time ever, i did an lj cut and completely left my feelings out of it. if you said you wanted to stay, either in the poll or in a later comment, you stayed. if you said nothing, you're gone. i made two exceptions for people who have been my lj friends for 5-10 years, have not updated in months, but have been known to come back to lj after long absences. this leaves me with 15 friends: 8 voted in the poll, 3 commented on a later entry, 2 are the above-mentioned exceptions, one is cowboy and indian photos, and one is myself.
it was quite painful to remove some of those people from my list. i guess i'm just trying to do for lj what i've inadvertently done for my life: weed out the people who don't really want to be there. doesn't that sound like it would be a good thing? it feels a lot less pleasant than it sounds, trust me.

on second thought, i just went back and edited out a few specifics. i'm going to go ahead and make this entry public. if anybody returns to lj after an extended absence or just missed the poll and the subsequent entries, and wants to still be friends, please comment and i'll be more than happy to add you back. i don't want anybody to feel slighted by this; i'm just trying to make sure that i'm not devoting time and energy into caring about people who don't want to have to care about me.

(no subject)
my babies
stupidfool
when it's all said and done, what's the real difference between a dream and a memory?

(no subject)
stupidfool

So I'm from Columbus, Ohio. It's not exactly a small town... But we don't have toll roads. If you want to go somewhere, you just get on the highway and go, no cash required.
I know that toll roads exist... I have plenty of memories of stopping at toll booths when riding with my parents on vacations. You pay the bored attendant, the light turns green, and you move on through, right?

So when I got the rental car at the Orlando airport, they asked me if I wanted to pay my tolls now, through them. I was really confused by this thought! Would I need to know now how many toll booths I would pass through for my entire vacation?? That sounded difficult. I figured I'd better just stick with what I knew, and pay tolls as I went, with cash, like my parents always had. I'd brought with me a few $20s, plus all of the $1s I'd made a few Sundays ago when I got to wait on the counter patrons at work. I should have more than enough cash to handle whatever toll booths I encountered. So I told them no thank you, and went on my way.

On the way to the hotel from the airport, I passed through two or three toll plazas. I paid the attendants, got change, and went on my merry way. I avoided toll roads for the rest of the trip, until today...

I left the hotel and headed to the airport. I didn't realize it until I was pulling onto the highway, but my phone directed me to get there by spending a short period of time on a toll road. I didn't think this was a problem... Until I realized that this toll road was different! You didn't pass through huge toll plazas along the road itself; instead, you paid a toll at a tiny toll booth when you got off at your exit. The signs for exits before mine said "75 cents, exact change only" or "50 cents, exact change only", and I started to worry. I had a quarter in my pocket, plus some loose change (a nickel and a few pennies), but not enough to come up with 50 or 75 cents exactly... Luckily, when I got to my exit, my sign said "$1.00, exact change only". Perfect! I had a dollar bill!

There were only two lanes. One lane was for ez pass users. The other lane had a booth and was for people paying cash. So I pulled into that lane, my dollar out and ready... But there was no person in the booth! It was dark--blacked out, even. I couldn't see in at all. A little farther up, there was this round metal cage that went into the wall. Now that I saw it, I had vague memories of my parents throwing coins into one of these... But surely coins weren't the only way! Floridians can't possibly be expected to drive everywhere with pockets full of change, right?? So I threw my dollar bill in there.
Nothing happened. The dollar just sat in the metal cage. I knew it needed to go into the hole that went into the wall for the light to turn green, so I rolled my window down and leaned all the way out of the car to shove the bill into the hole. Still, the device did not accept the bill and the light stayed red.

Now a car pulled up behind me. I pulled the dollar bill out of the cage and inspected the wall for another option. Maybe coins went in this thing, but elsewhere along the wall, there was a dollar bill receptacle. I looked everywhere, but didn't find one. Another car pulled up behind me. I was starting to feel a little panicky, now. I tried again to get the hole to take my dollar. This time, I shoved it in there as deep as I could, but I was left with a wadded up dollar bill blocking the hole, a light that was still red, and now three cars waiting impatiently behind me. I looked around helplessly, searching for a human or a sign or something, but there was nothing-only a line of cars and that glaring red light.
I didn't know what to do! I had visions of driving away, and having cops hunt me down and arrest me... I'd lose my job... All for a dollar that I desperately want to give to this stupid cage!

I see an area to the left, in front of this toll area. I pull up and pull into it to let the other cars through. I put the car in park and I get out. I wander around to the back of the toll booth, hoping for a human or a sign to tell me what to do, a number to call for help, something... I go to all sides of the toll booth, even walk back out into the road to look at it from the front, when there are no cars coming. I find nothing. So then I cross that lane and wander around the easy pass lane, again looking for a sign. Still nothing.
Then I realize that as I've been wandering here, I've passed a lot of change on the ground. It was mostly pennies, but I know I saw at least one dime! I get all the change out of my pocket, and then I circle the whole area again, picking up every coin I can find. When cars come by, I try to just stand there and act normal, so nobody thinks I'm crazy or homeless or something. I don't think it works completely; at least two vehicles rush to roll up their windows when they see me, and one does it prior to paying the toll! (i'm in front of the toll booth. She approaches with her window down, rolls it up when she sees me, then pulls all the way up, even past the cage, as far from me as she can get, before rolling it down again, throwing her money backwards into the cage, and quickly rolling it back up.)
Once I've circled the entire area twice, I stop to count my coins. 76 cents. I make one final round, hoping to find a quarter that I've missed. I watch the cars throwing money into the cage, hoping that one quarter will miss the cage. (seriously, how do ALL of these vehicles just happen to have a dollar's worth of coins?!?) I do find another penny that i'd missed, but that's it.

I've now been at this toll booth for 10 minutes. I'm going to be late to return the rental car. I am out of ideas. I go back to the car, and I stand there, defeated. What else can I do?? Money is not going to appear, no matter how long I stand here. I guess I have to just keep going, and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be... I know that there are cameras here, so to show my good faith, I walk back into the road and put the 77 cents in the cage. The red light stares back at me. I shrug apologetically at the light and the camera, and then I get in the car and drive the rest of the way to the airport.

When I get there, I frantically explain to the guy what happened. He stares at me blankly and asks, "you paid rental car for tolls?"
Oh, if only I had known... "no!" I exclaim! "I didn't know! I had a dollar, but it wouldn't take it!"
"ok, say again?" he says.
So I start over, more slowly this time. When I finish, he is laughing at me. "ok," he laughs. "ok."
"so what happens?!?" I ask him.
"you do this how many times?" he asked.
"oh, just once!"
"it's ok," he said. "no problem. No worry. Nothing happens."
And then that's it, and he sends me off with my baggage to catch the flight. So I guess it's ok?!


Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Ughhhh
stupidfool

I couldn't take it any more, and on break, they told me that text didn't sound bad... So I sent it to Courtney:
Hey, what happened? if you're not into
me, it's totally ok, but i thought everything was going well with us, and
now i'm just confused. i know i'm pretty clueless about lesbians, so if i
did something wrong, i'm sorry...

That was around 9:30. It's now 1:30 and I haven't heard from her.
I just don't get it. I mean, if she found somebody else, or I sent a text that insulted her, or she's just not that into me, fine. Even if it's not something we can resolve, even if it's going to prevent us from being even just friends... I just want to KNOW! How can I learn from my mistakes if I don't know what they are??
And I don't know how she can just sit there and not answer me. I know I've probably hurt some girls in my lifetime, and one specific one definitely comes to mind... But when she sent me a mile long email, pouring her heart out to me, I answered. And I kept answering her right on up until she had no more questions. It may not have been what she wanted to hear, but it was the truth, and I felt I owed her that. She's a human too, with feelings too. Even though she annoyed me most of the time, and I was totally not into her, I would never just toss her aside and pretend she didn't exist. Can Courtney really just completely cut off all contact with me, from now until forever?? Isn't there something I can do to make her want to tell me what happened??
I've said it a million times, and i mean it: i wasn't head over heels for her. I definitely liked her, and saw potential... But if she thinks it's not going to work out, maybe we could just be friends. That wouldn't break my heart, and lord knows I need more lesbian friends. Or if she can't even stand to be in the same room as me and I need to never speak to her again, I'll deal with that, too. But why can't she just tell me that, so I know??

</i>

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(no subject)
stupidfool

Trying to catch up on lj here at the airport, before I have to get on the plane. My hip is already aching, so this could be a long flight...

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(no subject)
my hand
stupidfool
seriously, F LJ right now!!!! i just typed out a really long entry about the entire vacation, and i got a 500 internal server error when trying to post it!!! i hit back and restored from saved draft... and saved draft was like 1/2 of the entry, only... and i still get the freaking error when i try to post THAT!!!! how freaking long can it really take them to fix the stupid site?!?!?! it's been like a week, now!! i freaking PAY for this lj... i can't even imagine where i work, having something down for this long and not getting my ASS handed to me!!!!!! grrrrr!!!!!

(no subject)
lego monkey
stupidfool
just thinking about maybe someday doing a friends cut...

Poll #1722130 who is reading this?

are you reading this?

yes
11(84.6%)
no
2(15.4%)

input, please?
my hand
stupidfool
so i've been thinking a lot about sexuality, and how it affects interpersonal relationships, and i'm wondering if i have a completely wrong view of the world.

to preface: doing a nice thing, when it's perfectly acceptable to NOT do the nice thing, makes me feel good. for example, as i approach the checkout lane at the grocery store, a self-checkout is being vacated. i've scanned and bagged a few items, and then i notice that there's a $5 in the change return. i could give the money to the cashier, in case somebody calls to claim it. i could keep it for myself, and you can't really say that's wrong. or i could wrack my brain, trying to picture the person who was leaving, and then i could race out to the parking lot, to find that woman with her small children, and give her back her change. when i do that, and she thanks me repeatedly, and is clearly grateful, i feel good about myself. i'm glad that i could help her out, and i'm proud of myself, and i just feel good, about having gone above and beyond what is required of me as a decent person. i think that for most people, doing something nice for somebody makes them feel good.


so... i know that things might have changed, since i was growing up 20 years ago, in a tiny little town. but based on what i learned back then, if you're straight, and somebody tells you that he's gay, you have innumerable options, most of which are considered acceptable to the vast majority of society. you can tell the gay he's going to hell, and lecture him about the evils of his ways, every time you see him. you can flat-out stop talking to him, even if he used to be your best friend. you can make fun of him, and spread the word to all your friends, to get them to make fun of him, too. you can refuse to let him be around your children, or raise a big stink any time you see him near any children. you can kick him out of your church, or your boyscout troupe, or your coffee club. if he's turned 18, and you're his parent, you can disown him, kick him out of your house, and shut him off from all financial and emotional support.
i know there might be some people who disagree with some of these options, but overall, they're acceptable choices.

so for me, as a gay, when i come out to a straight person, knowing that you have all those viable options... it's a huge deal to me if you instead choose to love and accept me. i think more highly of you for it, and i'm happy, grateful, and honored.
it's weird to think about, because the same thing can't happen in reverse. there is nothing, equivalent to this, that i can do for you. there's no way for me to return this favor.

and unlike a stranger at the grocery store finding you to give you your change, this isn't something that i'm just grateful for once. this nice thing that you did for me--it's not something i can ever forget. maybe it's not always in the very front of my mind... like we're watching an intense scene in a movie, and my focus is on that... but we get to a dull part, where my mind starts to wander, and right there in the back of my mind is that thought--that you know i am gay, and you've chosen to be here with me, anyway.

the thing about this is that if i take my thoughts as facts, that leaves us as intrinsically unequal. you're always better than me. i always owe you, a debt i can never repay.
if i can't ever see myself on equal ground with any straight person, ever, then that means i'm looking at it all wrong, because i'm not actually a lesser person, am i?

so i don't know. where did i go wrong?


i guess separate questions for the gays and the straights of my fl...
gays
do you think about things this way? what do you feel when a straight person accepts your sexuality? do you move past it, to the point where it literally never crosses your mind, that they've accepted you? if so, how quickly do you move past it?

straights
do you view the world this way? do you understand that you kind of have one up on the gays? do you feel good about yourself, if a gay person comes out to you and choose to accept them, and they're grateful? if so, do you eventually move past this, or do you continue to feel good about this choice every so often, or every time you see them, or what?

(no subject)
my babies
stupidfool
i don't know what happened at the wedding to make me feel less than human, but i am now wondering if i even have it in me to genuinely love or care about another person. they're such abstract concepts that i'm having trouble coming up with a concrete answer. can you think of any questions you can ask yourself, to gauge whether or not you care about somebody?

(for example, "if a friend needed $20, would you loan it to them?"
my answer would be yes, for pretty much anybody i know. i think there's a difference between knowing how to be a nice person, and actually caring about somebody, though. i think loaning somebody money is more about being a nice person (and always having extra cash on me, and knowing that even if i never see that $20 again, it's not the end of the world). what's a good question that would tell you whether or not you care about somebody, though?)

(no subject)
my hand
stupidfool
well, i made a friends cut. it didn't go exactly as anticipated. i don't know what happened--i think i switched between windows too much, or used back instead of reloading the page, but i had all these checkmarks by people i didn't even know, like mr_darks showed as my friend, and lord knows i never add anybody who only posts in a language i can't read! and then i noticed that it showed i wasn't tragic_4's friend, which is just absurd. so i tried my best to correct and remove like i meant to, but if i forgot you, i'm sorry!

to recap, if you're no longer my friend, it's because:
1) i thought you no longer existed
2) i thought you no longer realized i existed
or 3) lj screwed up

just comment if you want to be added back...

(no subject)
stupidfool
oh and i think i'm going to cut my friends list. if i think that you don't realize i exist, or if i'm not sure if you still exist, you'll probably go. otherwise, you'll probably stay. if you're worried that you might fall in either of those categories and you want to stay, feel free to comment here. or if you're really annoyed by the fact that this is like my 80th post in the last 24 hours, you can comment and ask me to remove you. no hard feelings.

(no subject)
my babies
stupidfool
i am crazy nervous about meeting these random lesbians!!! i'm so scared that i'm going to show up at the bar, see the table of people i'm supposed to be meeting, and then wuss out, turn around, and go home... and i passed up a shift at work tonight for this. i should have just gone with the money. it's way less scary. i could have bought a nice new video game with it, and then spent the rest of my life hanging out at home with my cats. isn't there a less scary way to meet girls?? slakskjaflkjklj why do i suck???

overly mean? not mean enough? suck it up and shut up? your opinions, please...
lego monkey
stupidfool
does this sound overly cruel or whiny? i'm about to leave it on best buy's website. i am so pissed right now!!!
rantCollapse )

(no subject)
my babies
stupidfool
generally speaking, when you want somebody you can't have, do you think it's best to tell them, or to keep it to yourself? and why?

does your answer change based on:
- the way in which you want them? (i.e. love, lust, silly crush)
- the reason you can't have them? (i.e. they're in a new relationship, they're in a committed relationship, they're married, they're of the opposite sexuality, they're just not that into you, you're in a relationship)
- who they are to you? (i.e. a good friend you've developed feelings for, a co-worker you'll have to see every day until you retire, a friend of a friend you could either be-friend or never see again)

?

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