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stupidfool
tuesday morning i went to work, early. i was tired and i don't remember much, except for that i successfully avoided terrie all morning. when i left after a 6-hour shift, she was in the parking lot, and i didn't even see her, but she said bye to me, all friendly, and once i got over the shock, i responded, 'good morning,' which would have been fine if she had said 'hi,' but is a rather strange response to 'bye.'

then i went to udf. i don't remember much about that either, except for that i was really tired. i was in charge, though. i know that. i've been there not even a month, and i had more seniority than the other two people working with me, so i had to send raj to stock the cooler so i could stay up front. i had to control the safe and make sure everything got done and i hate bossing people around, so i just did most of it myself, which made me even more tired.

and i had a relapse. i saw this girl and she looked like christine. i took my tote full of backstock and followed her around, stocking the chips while she looked at chips, and switching to candy when she looked at that. when she went to the register to check out, i followed her up there, like i needed to get something behind the counter, and then i just listened while she talked to paul. she sounded sort of like her too. her hair was a lot longer. i don't think hair can grow that fast. and her shape was a little different too, but it's been so long since i've seen christine... maybe it was her... when the girl left, i grabbed my trash and took it out to the dumpster and watched her walk across the street. i miss christine. i miss her like crazy. and now she's everywhere again, in the cigarettes and in the candy, and in all the food, i see it in my grocery store, in the proper isle, with christine in front of it. everybody is christine again. the white girls all look like her. the black girls all look like her girlfriend. she won't go away, and i need her to come back, only this time i can't even remember why. she made things better, that's all i know. somehow she'll fix everything, even if i can't remember what needs fixed.
and then somehow religion comes into my mind and i don't remember what i thought, but i know it bothered me a lot. something about preaching tolerance. love the sinner, hate the sin, and that's good? loving is a sin? but they think they're being open-minded, and reasonable, and compared to other churches, they probably are. i don't know who 'they' are. i just know that it makes me wish i could talk to christine about it.

i came home and went to bed and slept for quite a long time... i slept through half my morning class, and got up and went to the last part, just to get my midterm back. on the way there, i couldn't stop looking for christine. i looked so hard that i found her where she wasn't... in cars that looked like hers, and in shoes that looked like hers, and under hair that looked like hers... god, i was doing so good... yeah, i thought about her, but it wasn't this constant... it was getting reasonable... she was at the beginning of the path to becoming just another pleasant memory... only now she's back...
i got an 88% on the midterm. that's lower than i had hoped for but probably higher than i deserved, so i guess i shouldn't complain. i came home, took a nap, and slept through half my next class. i went to the last part and we still didn't get our midterms back, and this one, i took over a week ago. i went to the next class, and molly was waiting for me outside the classroom, with my midterm. we skipped class and went home. i got a 67%, which impressed me, considering that i felt like i should do about as well as your average bubble-filling monkey. AND the teacher announced that we can replace our lowest midterm score with our highest... which basically means we drop our lowest midterm, and i got a 94% on the first midterm, so i'm fine. i loved that decision!

i had to go to the bank (in my store) to get rid of a few udf paychecks, so molly decided to come with me and go grocery shopping. it was a good time to go because terrie wouldn't be there and marie would be running self-check, so it wasn't a coincidence that i suggested it then... we went and terrie was there, for some reason, getting overtime... she stood behind us in the self-check line, with a bag of chips (she was eating from it as she waited...) and listened to molly and me try to figure out how to split up the groceries we had. we were so busy discussing that we didn't notice one of the stations open up, and terrie snuck in front of us. she was joking about it though, being real obvious and then laughing like she thought she was the greatest. we just laughed. neither of us cared. she was in a hurry and she had one item. i'm always glad when somebody lets me go in front of them when i'm on break...

molly and i used the same station, and i went first, so i could go stand by marie to wait for her. marie wrote all over my reciept, and i wrestled her for the pen a little. she asked when i was on self-check and i told her i wasn't working today. she said i should just do it right now, so i said i would just take her name tag and do it. i took it off her and put it on me. when molly was ready to go, i told marie i would just wear her nametag home, and turned to go. she came after me, and instead of coming around front, she stayed in back of me and wrapped one arm around me and reached her other arm over me and took it off. i wonder if it's a coincidence that we seem to end up in such comfortable positions, or if she likes touching me as much as i like touching her.

molly and i went crazy cooking and cleaning. i felt like such a mom... we made hamburger and macaroni and pizza and chex mix and puppy chow. we cut up a honeydew and washed grapes and blueberries. we are now set to eat for a week with no effort. then we did all the dishes, and i cleaned the kitchen floor while she cleaned the bathroom. i swept the main room, too. now lauren and alana have no right to complain that we don't do our fair share.

i wonder if christine will ever go back to school. i wonder how much longer she's living with terrie. i wonder if terrie speaks to her, or if terrie would talk to me about her, or if terrie ever talks about me to her. i wonder if she's still dating that girl and still working at that restaurant. i wonder if her family is still mad at her. i wonder how her sister's baby is doing. i wonder if she remembers me, if she ever thinks about me, if she still cares about me... i wonder if i'll ever stop wondering about her...

i thought about doing homework, but (surprise) i didn't. i wonder if christine could change that. will i ever start caring about school again? did i ever care about it in the first place?

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