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stupidfool
i slept not enough, got up, and went to udf for 4 hours, and put stuff away. i spent a lot of time organizing the cooler, too, because somebody had scrambled up all the milks and the gatorades and the pops so it wasn't right, like in the cherry coke row, there's a cherry coke and then a vanilla coke and then regular and then diet, even though we have one row for each. i'm anal about that stuff. my room is a mess, but i like my groceries organized...

then i went to work for 8 more hours. real soon into my shift, i noticed that marie had no job to do and i asked why. she said they all hated her. i said they hate me too, but i still have a job. she said they don't hate me. i said some of them do. she said 'like who?' i said, 'like terrie and... and...'
i didn't mean to single terrie out. then it sounds like complaining or like i have issues with terrie... i had meant to make a whole list to just sound normal, but after terrie, i ran out of names, and couldn't think of one for long enough that marie reassured me, 'terrie doesn't hate you, sweetie.'
i didn't know what to say to that, so i just looked at her. she said, 'really. she's just got a lot on her mind, is all.'
i feel fucking dumb. sara says, 'i don't think anybody could hate you.' she hasn't met my brother.

ways marie touched me today:
grabbed my leg
stroked my hair
rubbed my shoulder
tickled my stomach
poked my sides
touched my face

ways marie touched me today and meant it like i wanted her to mean it:




yeah, fucking nothing. frustrated, i am.

i was looking at marie and it made me think about holly (who didn't come up this weekend. brandy came by herself and called me and told me to call her back but didn't leave a number and i don't know it). she (marie) was facing away from me, standing relatively still, and i just got the urge to come up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist and rest my head against the back of her shoulder. then i thought it was a little funny that i should think that, because holly used to do that to me all the time. i would just be going about my business, and then holly would be hugging me from behind, and she would stay for a moment, and then she would let go and sometimes come around front and talk to me and sometimes just turn and go back to whatever she was doing. and now that it's way too late to know or matter why she did that, i try to figure it out. marie is the only person who i've ever wanted to hug like that, and i want marie. could you not want somebody and still want to hug them like that? and why can't i be like holly, and be able to hug somebody when i feel like it?

terrie left her sweatshirt in the cabinet under self-check. i was down there looking for trash bags late at night, and i knew it was hers before i even unfolded it because it smelled like her. i shoved the trash bags all the way to the back, and then made like i was stretching to reach them and put my face in terrie's sweatshirt and it smelled good and felt nice on my face, just because of the smell, probably. girls smell good. girls smell comfortable. if a boy smelled like a girl, would i like him?

i want marie's hands in my hair again. i want to sleep.

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