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stupidfool
i had to interview my mom for womens studies. the only time i could do it that she could too was this morning, so i had to wake up early just to call her up and interview her. i got almost 9 hours of sleep, but when my alarm rang, i was still exhausted. i got up and called her and did the interview. i knew she was a talker, so i allowed an hour for the interview, even though it was only supposed to take about a half hour. it took two fucking hours. i was tired and i didn't want to listen to her talk for two hours when i had already heard most of it before, but i had to, becuase i had to have it in her words for the assignment. i had her tape record her end because i also have to turn in a transcript of the interview. that's bad thing #2 of the morning. she's mailing me the tape (two tapes, actually) and i have to type up everything she said. how many hours do you suppose it will take me to type two hours worth of talking? i'm a pretty fast typer, but i think it's going to take way more time than i ever have. bad thing #3: part of the assignment is to analyze her life from a womens studies perspective. i made the mistake of telling her that the interview was for womens studies, so she predicted what kinds of things i would need to analyze, and as she talked, she analyzed them for me. how can i write a good paper, like i have good ideas of my own, when my mother has already done the analysis, and i have to turn in a transcript of everything she said in addition to my own analysis? bad thing #4: as part of the interview, i had to ask about sexuality, so she talked about gays again. this time, i got the idea that she has no idea that i'm one of them. it just felt like she thought she was talking about gays, on a straight to straight basis. we talked about those people, like i'm not one of them. she didn't say anything bad about them or anything. it's just that i liked the idea that she already knew, or at least suspected. then when i told her, it wouldn't be a surprise or a big deal. it would still matter, that i finally said it, but it wouldn't matter so much because she would have suspected that it was coming. now, i feel like she's got no idea, and i'm going to spring this on her and even if she's ok with it, she's going to be in fucking shock. fuck. bad thing #5: by the time i got off the phone, i had 5 minutes to get to the bus stop. i got dressed while i was talking to her, but i didn't get to eat or anything before i left for work. bad thing #6: on my way out the door, i spotted the phone bill, which i'm supposed to be paying. it's due tomorrow. i grabbed it and my checkbook, to fill out on the bus. i realized i forgot a stamp. i have 19 perfectly good stamps at home, but i have to spend $6.80 when i get to work and buy a whole other book of stamps, just to mail the fucking phone bill. if i was wide awake, maybe none of this would bother me. but i'm tired, which makes me irratable, which means all this combines to put me in a pretty bad mood.

i get there and i'm early because it's fucking sunday busses, so i go up to the service desk to look at the schedule because marie's up there. she says hi to me, and then says nothing else until she tells me to move out of the way of the lady. i was in the way, but i still felt worse when she said it. like i don't fucking matter at all. so i went up to the break room and taysha's brother was up there. he talked to me, but i couldn't really hear or understand him, so every time he said anything, i had to ask 'what?' 10 times before i gave an answer, and i just felt dumb. i don't want him to think i'm dumb... he's taysha's brother...

amit kept telling me to clock in early, so sara could go home, and all i wanted to do was just sit down and rest until my shift started because i was exhausted from the whole 2.5 hours i had been awake. he pestered me so much that i finally gave up and clocked in, and i was on self-check, and people are fucking stupid. like they take all the bags off and the machine won't let them pay, so either they have to put them back on or i have to override a 40 pound security violation. they don't feel like putting them back on. fuck them. stupid fucking people, if you don't want to follow the rules of self-check, don't use it. why should i override everything because you think you're too good for the system? i was frustrated and i complained to molly when she came over, with a little less vulgarity but the same basic idea. i realized as i was doing it that i'm sounding just like terrie. i'm fucking bitter already and i'm not near 30 yet. she remarked, 'you get cranky when you're tired.' 'cranky' doesn't do justice to how i am...

prudy came in, in her new work uniform, and terrie, who has been in a bad mood and has ignored me all morning, goes up to her with a big smile and gives her a hug and talks all cheerful and i fucking hate the world. people are so dumb. all of them. what can prudy do for terrie, that makes her so much better, to fix everything? prudy doesn't even fucking care, except for to be proud of the fact that terrie thinks she's hot. and she doesn't even have to do or say anything, just show up, and all of a sudden terrie's better. fucking stupid. i don't know who i'm mad at for that, either, because i'm the same fucking way sometimes, like with christine or especially holly, and maybe that's what bothers me about it.

marie was there the whole time, but said about nothing to me for a real long time. i was on my first break and she came up and took some candy from me and left and that's it. that's fucking it. i'm half asleep on the table, feeling like shit, and all she cares about is taking my candy.

nickolas tried to get marie to let molly go back and help him in grocery. he asked if she could spare molly. she said no. i asked if she could spare me and i'd do that. she said no. i leaned on the low doorway and slouched over and asked, 'please?' because people are stupid and i'm fucking sick of the public. she comes over and wraps her arm around me and pulls my head into her side, and i tilt my head into her and my cheek is pressing into her side and her breast and i'm afraid of what molly and nickolas are thinking. can they tell how much i'm enjoying this? do they wonder why my head instinctively leans towards her? and when she lets go all too soon, my head is still tilted and without her there, it's an odd angle and i just look funny and now they can tell for sure that i was leaning, if they couldn't before. and still, it's a joke to her, like 'silly girl, you know we can't spare you,' and rub my head like a little doggie, not touching me like she cares one way or the other.

i realize in the middle of doing nothing that i have homework due tomorrow, and last i checked, i had no idea how to do it. i don't get to leave here til midnight, and i just want to go to sleep, not do homework.

more stupid people. some awful drunk guy who leans all over my counter and repeats my name over and over and tells me how pretty i am and how my boyfriend's a lucky guy and i'm not flattered. and some lady who insists that she pressed the button when she clearly didn't, and when i play along and tell her to press it again, she refuses because she 'already did.' stupid fucking lady, then stand there forever and never pay because i don't care what you think or what i think; all that matters is what the machine thinks, and it thinks you didn't press the button. and i have to walk over there and press the fucking button for her because she refuses. it's not like the walk kills me, but why the fuck should i have to do it for her? everybody else presses their own buttons...

i close down self-check and marie and teena tell me to get carts. i'm fucking exhausted. i don't have the strength to get carts. but i'm also not in the mind frame to deal with any more customers. i just want to go to bed, but i'm stuck here for another two hours... i go get them and i miss christine. i want her to show up and hug me. or marie. i hallucinate, i think, so christine's there, or rice girl shows up in a big blue semi-truck and i'm scared when it dissappears. but even though i feel like shit, i'm still all plotting, so i save the cart return by marie's car for last, because i know at the rate i'm going, i'll still be out here when she leaves, and sure enough, i time it right so that she has to walk by me to get to her car. am i manipulative? what do you call that? something bad, probably. maybe that's something to do with what terrie thinks i do wrong. but marie calls my name, and i throw a cart into the lineup with a lot of anger or maybe frustration that i didn't know was in me and she asks, 'sweetie, are you just tired, or is something wrong?'
i stand still and she comes up to me and i face her and shrug grumpily, 'i'm tired and people are stupid.'
one arm is holding the flower pot she bought, but she wraps her other arm around me and pulls me into her and i wrap my arms around her and hug her tight. she rubs my back and i rest my chin on her shoulder and breath in. she smells comfortable and she feels comfortable and we stay like that for a long time, until she teases gently, still not letting go, 'don't fall asleep on my shoulder.'
i tell her i won't and i let go, only because i know it's time, and if i don't do it, she will, and then i'll be upset that she's always the one letting go of me.
she shows me her flower pot and then strokes my hair and tells me maybe i should skip class tomorrow and get a good night's sleep. i say maybe and she leaves.
it's not like the world is all happy flowers and sunshine again, but i feel a little bit recharged. i like marie...

i finish the carts and then don't ask teena what's next because i'm afraid she'll put me back on register and i still don't feel like dealing with stupid people. i get the trash and clean up everything and refill the bags until finally molly and i get to leave.

when i get home, i don't have a key to the apartment. i think it fell out somewhere at the store, maybe when i was slouching on the step or sitting in the break room, but i don't know. big fucking pain because now i have to go back there sometime and find it. and i need to renew my drivers license, and i think the only time molly doesn't need her car and i'm free is tomorrow morning before class. i'm going to bed now because i'm fucking dead, but i have to wake up tomorrow and get my license renewed and find my key and do my homework and go to class and go to work and come home and go to sleep and wake up and go to work again and i am killing myself and i still won't stop anything. fucking stupid.

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Bad thing # 7

(Anonymous)
In my experience, typing up interview tapes (both sides of a 90 minute tape) takes about 8-10 hours in total. Not really the sort of thing you can do in one sitting...

Good luck :)

Umair

thanks for the warning... i can't wait...

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