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stupidfool
last night, i got driving directions at yahoo maps to the license bureau. it said it should take 5 minutes to get there. i printed out text-only directions. then i went to bed and got up the next morning and i was tired. i took molly's car and went to the license bureau and it took 15 minutes to get there and half the roads were one way. since i had no map, i had no idea how to get back. i had planned on spending a half hour in the place, and it wound up taking 45 minutes. when i got done, i had a class in 15 minutes, still hadn't done the homework, and i didn't know how to get home. i finally found my way to a road i recognized, and i discovered that i was halfway to my grocery store. i realized that today, we would probably get back our midterms. however, i also knew that i wouldn't make it to class on time, and i certainly wouldn't be able to get my homework done. if i showed up late, he would expect me to turn in the homework. if i didn't show up at all, maybe he wouldn't care if i just turned the homework in wednesday. so i decided to forget about the midterm, and skip the class. i went to my grocery store and teena said kiera had found my key last night, on the step. i came back home and opened up the book to do the homework. i couldn't read the question. a few words stood out, and i didn't know them, and i was scared, so i just shut the book and played on the internet until it was time to leave for my next class.

he told us at the beginning of class that we would have a quiz at the end of the period. i took out the book to read the chapter that the quiz was over. i couldn't do it. i thought it was just my lazy brain, acting up again, but even when i tried my hardest, i honestly couldn't. i stared at the words forever, and i saw them, but i couldn't read them. i couldn't process them or get any meaning out of them. i went through the chapter, word by word, and i looked at every word, but i didn't read a single sentence. i always thought that concentration was like riding a bike... once you learn how to concentrate, you don't forget, right? but i haven't concentrated in a while, and i'm out of practice, and now that i want to concentrate again, it's like i've forgotten how. i look at a word and then i'm thinking about marie. another word and then i wonder if i shaved my left leg last night. another word and then i wonder if there's still leftover pizza in the fridge. another word and i try to remember if i fixed the self-check station that wouldn't dispense change. another word and i realize that i have homework for that other class that i have to do between now and wednesday, so maybe i should try that now. i take it out again, and i still can't. i shut it and i shut my book and i put my head on the desk and take a nap. molly wakes me up for the quiz. i look at it and i realize that the problem is not that i don't know the answers, because i can't even get to that point. i don't know the questions. i know if i knew the questions, i probably wouldn't know the answers, but at least i could know what i was guessing at... but i stare at the quiz and i feel like it's in another language. all the words float around on the page and it's one huge mess of jibberish. how can i hope to find the answer when i don't even know the question? i line up a sheet of paper under the words, becuase that's how i always did it in grade school, and it's how i read now, when i'm tired. i learned in about 6th grade or so to read without it, just so i wouldn't look so funny, but sometimes it still helps. anything, a ruler or a paper or a bookmark or a pencil or even my finger, under the words helps them calm down when they start floating. not today though. it's hopeless. i try, for the first half of the quiz, to make sense of it, and for the second half, i give up and just pick random answers. it doesn't matter so much because these quizzes are hardly worth anything, and we get to drop our lowest anyway, but it worries me that i honestly can't do it. thinking i had a lazy brain was one thing, becuase i felt like i could make myself do it if i needed to. now i'm worried that i can't. i have to teach myself how to concentrate again, and i have to do it fast, because finals are coming up in a few weeks, and if all the words float like that on my finals, i'm in big trouble.

i go to work. i'm still sleepy, but not so cranky today. work is ok. it's not fun. i don't want to do this for the rest of my life, but if i had to choose between doing this or doing something like i did at my intership, i would pick this. this or programming? this. this or engineering? this. this or physics? this. this or math? this. maybe i'm just stubborn. you can't really forget how to concentrate, can you? i'm just lazy and fucking stubborn, and i won't do it because i don't want to and i don't want to do well in school or to graduate, and why should i concentrate on something that i don't want to concentrate on when it's only bringing me closer to reaching a goal i don't want to reach?

terrie appears to be over the whole 'you know everything' thing, and is back to ignoring me and hating the world. coincidetally, rashid, who used to think terrie was great, has brought her down in his mind too. he told me today that she looks good but he doesn't like her and she yells too much. he said jane is much nicer. i agreed that she yells too much, didn't comment on the looking good part, and told him that i still like terrie sometimes, becuase she can be funny. he shrugged but i know he still likes her sometimes too, like when she's close to him and you know he likes her touch. i can see it. i watch him and he leans towards her like i know i lean towards marie... maybe he's having the same trouble with her that i'm having with marie, that he doesn't like her but he likes her touch, and a good touch with a nice smell can make up for a lot. and me? with terrie, i tend to think it's not about her body so much. i don't really know what it is. everything, i guess. her connection to christine, and the fact that she's comfortable and out with her sexuality, and her body, and the similarities i see between us, and she really is funny when she's not mad at everybody. yeah, i don't know. i don't know what it is. all i know is that she could murder my mother and i would probably still like her because i can't be rational about it.

i can't remember anything. i'm tired. tomorrow i work at udf and i have to find some time to do that homework. tonight i need to get a lot of sleep...

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