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stupidfool
i only slept about 5 hours, but i woke up this morning and i felt clear-headed. i went to class and paid attention and i came back and i did my homework that was due monday. it wasn't quite as simple as that, because i really didn't know how to do it, but between my book and the class handouts, i had the resources to figure it out, and once i did, it wasn't so bad at all. then i just sat around and thought for a long time, because i felt like it was the first time in a long time that i could really think, without all the fuzziness. i thought about my parents (i wrote about that in here this morning.) then i think i decided i needed to quit a job, but now i'm not so sure. and i thought about christine, and about marie, and about terrie, and about money... i thought until things started getting fuzzy again, and then it was time to go to class. he let me turn in my homework late. i had figured he would. he didn't give back the midterms on monday. he didn't have them today either. we took those midterms two weeks and five days ago, and he still doesn't have them graded. how hard can it be to grade a pile of 30 fucking midterms? they were mostly the kind of questions that were fill in the blank, right or wrong. come on, even i could find time in my schedule to grade those midterms, and i'm 99% sure i've got a busier schedule than this guy does because this is the only class he's teaching and he has no other jobs.
that made me a little upset, and trying to listen to what he was saying, but realizing that i was a bit lost since i skipped class on monday made me more upset. so i tuned him out, thus ensuring that i will be lost again on friday, because i'm a fucking idiot and i won't pay attention when i should.

i went to the next class for long enough to figure out that there would be no quiz, and then i left and went home. i still have to type up those tapes and i have a 2-page essay due this friday. the tapes and an 8-page essay are due next friday. i also have some homework due monday. but none of it felt urgent and i didn't feel like concentrating, so i just played around on ebay and ate and wasted time until i caught the bus to work.

i got there and michelle asked me if i would mind punching in early so she could start giving breaks. the way it works is this:
it rounds to the nearest 15 minutes. but it doesn't round the time you work. it rounds the times you punch in and out. so say you work a 4 hour shift, 5-9 (that's what i had today). you can punch in at 4:53 and punch out at 9:07. that means you worked 4 hours and 14 minutes, but since the ends get rounded to 5 and 9, you only get paid for 4 hours. if you punch in at 4:52 and punch out at 9:08, you worked 4 hours and 16 minutes, but the ends round to 4:45 and 9:15 and you get paid for 4 and a half hours. so working 2 more minutes gets you paid for a half hour more. i think that's dumb. anyway, they get in trouble if you work 8 minutes extra on either end, because it shows up that you worked more than you were scheduled. nobody even notices if you work 7 minutes extra on either or both ends.
by asking me to punch in early, she's asking me to punch in 7 minutes early, and not get paid. i don't mind. i'm here, so i'm either going to stare at the clock for 7 minutes or just work. it doesn't matter to me. i punch in.

marie is there. when i go to get my drawer, she claps a hand on each side of my face, and then starts sort of slapping my face back and forth. i don't understand it at all, but she's touching me so i'm not complaining. i start making that noise that you make when you're riding over bumps, and you can hear your voice bump with the bumps. i don't know what you call that noise, but my voice was bumping with every slap. not really slap. more like shove. and not hard. it wasn't painful... just strange. she made the noise back (her voice didn't bump) and then stopped and gave me a drawer.

terrie ignored me for an hour and then went home.

anthony is being mean. he's not mean like ayrik is mean because it's a lot more tricky. i used to think he was nice, but now i wonder if i was just blind to it this whole time. he's just like ayrik except for that ayrik is 10 times more blunt. in a way, i prefer ayrik, because at least i know for sure when he's being a jerk. with anthony, i can't tell, except for that he keeps saying weird things and then him and jamal laugh at me. i'm pretty sure jamal is a jerk too. i can't even tell. probably the whole world hates me. whatever.

michelle gave me a break and marie was just finishing up with hers. her favorite policeman is here tonight, and she's outside with him. she's off at 9 tonight too. i figure no matter what, i'll be able to see her in the break room tonight, because if she gets off a little earlier than me, i'll still be off in time to make it back there before she's done getting her stuff. and if i get off before her, i'll just take my time in the break room, to make sure i see her. i want to go outside and see her now anyway, but i know she's going to ignore me for him, which will just frustrate me... so i go buy food instead. by the time i've paid for it, her break is over. i'm frustrated anyway.

when my break ends, i go back up for a drawer, and marie comes over and pinches my cheek, lightly at first, and then harder and harder until it hurts and i squeal. when she hands me a drawer, i pinch her cheek as hard as i can and then ask if it hurts. she says no. i tell her i must have tender cheeks and she and michelle laugh. i stand up there while i wait for michelle to decide where she wants me, but art is done with his customer, and now marie is flirting with him and laughing with him and touching him and i'm fucking frustrated. she's got to be one of those people who give bisexuality a bad name. she's not really bisexual. she's fucking straight, but she's so horny that just guys aren't enough for her, and if there's no guy around for her to flirt with or touch, then she moves on to girls. but i'm fucking second string. half the world comes before me which isn't very fair considering that my world nearly revolves around her, or at least her and christine and some funny part of terrie.

at 10 til 9, i'm mentally preparing myself for seeing marie. michelle sends josephine to take over for me. it's a little early, so i ask her why. she says i'm going to give jp a break on self-check. i'm off in 10 minutes... i look at her funny and ask, 'a fifteen minute break?'
she answers, like i'm asking a stupid question, 'yes, a fifteen minute break. that's how long they all are.'
(come to think of it, that was a stupid question. of course it was a 15-minute break. that wasn't really the question i wanted to ask. that's probably a good example of what terrie doesn't like about me. ok, i'm bad. i'll work on that. say what i mean... terrie's not even here and i'm correcting myself because of her.)
so i go to self-check, but jp is busy talking to one of dylan's produce friends, and he doesn't even punch out for break until 5 til. i want to be off at 9. i want to see marie in the break room. i want to catch the early bus. i want to go home. i want to go to bed because i have to work at 8 in the morning tomorrow. at 9, michelle ignores me. marie clocks out and looks at me staring angrily at the clock, and asks if i'm off. i say yes. she goes to the break room and 5 minutes later, she comes back, and i'm still glaring at the clock. she asks if michelle knows i'm off at 9 and i say yes. she holds out her hand for me and i slap it and hang onto it and shake it a little, playing like we always play. she says 'oh well, you'll get overtime.' i tell her i don't want overtime; i want to go home so i can wake up early. she says i have plenty of time, and of course i do to her. half my problem is that i wanted to see her alone anyway, and she doesn't answer that problem because i don't say it. then she leaves. at 10 after 9, michelle calls me and asks what time it is. i tell her. she says, 'shit, fuck, oh shit,' and comes out and takes over for me, tells me to run clock out, and asks what time the time clock says it is. it says 9 after 9. i tell her that and she's upset, and all of a sudden i realize that her intention was never to let me off at 9. she's not upset because she kept me 10 minutes over. she's upset because they had to pay me for it. she had planned on making me work those extra 7 free minutes, without telling me that was her plan, or asking if it was ok. fucking jerk. i'm fucking mad. that's not right. marie said they take advantage of the good workers. fucking bitch. i'm glad she didn't remember me 2 minutes earlier. i hope they see that i worked that extra time and get mad and hunt her down and fire her because it's not fucking right. she wouldn't dream of doing that to terrie or beep or any of them, just me, because she thinks she can, and i suppse she can, because she did, but it makes me fucking mad. i make me mad and she makes me mad and i'm just mad in general.

i'm even madder when i see the bus pull away as i step outside, and i have to wait a half hour on the next one.

then i get home and my mom's online and she made me feel about 80 times worse, all telling me about how great fly is and how wonderful fly is and all these awards she won and yay super spectacular fly. i don't know if her intent was to make me feel unimportant, stupid, and inferior, but that's what happened. here, let me just cut and paste a little excerpt, so you can see how great fly is.

her: fly had tons of honors
her: it was actually kind of embarrassing
Me: huh?
her: she should have just had a seat on the stage
her: mr whited said that when her time was off on the 800 that night, it was because her legs were tired from walking up to the stage so many times
Me: what are you talking about?
her: the senior awards ceremony
her: athletic, english, spanish, national merit qualifier, scholarships, etc
Me: oh
Me: that stuff
her: i made her wear nice shoes in case she went up on stage
her: i remember that i wanted you to get new shoes, but i didn't have time to make you
her: so you wore clunky brown ones
her: i wasn't worried about it because i figured who would see them

so, in case you missed it, the basic idea here is that for the senior awards ceremony, fly got so many awards that she should have had a seat on the stage, and i was so stupid that nobody was even going to see my shoes. never mind that i actually ended up getting 3 awards at the ceremony, and they did see my terribly ugly shoes. we forget about that part, because fly is better and fly had way more awards and not only that, but she had nice shoes to go with the hundreds of awards she won. yeah, well fuck that. fuck fly, fuck my mom, fuck life. i'm going to bed.

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