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stupidfool
i went to class and talked in class.

i came back and spent an hour typing up part of that stupid tape, and then i took a lunch break. alana and i couldn't find anything in the kitchen, so we wound up going to subway, which wasted the rest of my free time. but typing for an hour is a good start, anyway.

i went to my next class and we STILL didn't get our midterms back. we took the test 3 weeks ago. we also had homework due today, which i didn't do. i went up after class and asked him a question about it, and he told me i could turn it in wednesday. as long as he's so leniant about when i turn in my homework, i suppose i should cut him some slack about the midterms... but 3 weeks is a bit ridiculous...

i went to udf. i worked with chantaye and heather. keisha was still there when i got there, though, because she was waiting for our paychecks to arrive. i went on register and this person came in. at first glance, i thought she was a girl. at second glance, i realized he was a boy. then i looked again, and thought it was a girl again. it was wearing an express baseball cap and a ponytail (a high one). it had short shorts and a sort of tight t-shirt. its hands looked thicker than girls hands, but it had a french manicure and thin feminine rings. i waited for it to talk, but it paid without speaking. when the person left, keisha came running out of the back room, threw her arm around my shoulder and exclaimed, 'girl, did you see that!? ooooooh that boy was something else. you know that's a drag queen in her day clothes!!!! ooohhweee!!!!!' i laughed, more because she was funny and i liked the way her touch felt than because of what she was saying. i don't understand transgendered. i really don't. there are a lot of things i don't understand, i guess. i don't understand straight girls either, or bisexual ones. i don't know how it's possible to find guys attractive, but i've been around it for long enough to accept it. it's not the same with the trans thing. i feel bad for not understanding, and i try, but i just don't know how you can feel like you're any sex other than what you are. i am a girl because i have female body parts. i don't feel like there's any other part of me telling me that i'm a girl. if i had male body parts, i would probably feel like a boy. i don't get it. i need to go to some trans support group and sit down and just listen to them all talk, the way i've read and heard so many gay people talk about how they realized they were gay and who they came out to and who they like and who's sexy. then even if i don't get it, it will start to seem normal. how will it ever seem normal to the people who don't feel like they ought to make it seem normal?

there was a big grocery order. chantaye asked if i minded doing it, and i said i didn't mind, so i spent most of my shift doing that, while chantaye and heather spent most of the shift talking. it was slow because it was rainy. as i wandered around with my crates of junk, i listened to them. they talk for real. not about deep stuff, but about non-work-related stuff. getting their hair done and their nails and where to buy clothes and stuff like that. and every once in a while, i say something to one of them, but it's always something like 'where do we store the extra sundae bowls?'
that's me. here and at my grocery store, if i want to talk to somebody, it has to have to do with work. back when i wanted to talk to terrie, if i came up with something to say to her, it was always a question about work. when i want to see marie, i try to run out of change (or i buy change even though i don't need it). i used to try to find the customers who needed cigarettes, just for the chance to interact with christine. i don't know how to talk to work people about stuff that's not work. i'm dumb. that's why christine was good. because every day, she'd ask me how classes were, and i always thought it was weird, but it was good. it's good to get me to talk about me or her or something that's not a grocery store.

if i had more to say, it would just come out scrambled anyway because i'm tired. i work early tomorrow. goodnight.

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