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stupidfool
i've been back in columbus for all of 20 minutes, and i'm already miserable. alana and her boyfriend left without me. i told them to leave without me, and i wanted them to do it, so i could see marie (though i didn't tell them that). i got back here and i was happy for 2 seconds, because i got to go see marie. i told my dad i was going to go to work to check my schedule, and he said he'd take me. i didn't know how to say no, so i let him, and marie was there, and she smiled to see me, and rubbed my back and told me i was hot (i was) and told me she was going on break, and we could play with fire. i told her i couldn't because my dad was waiting, but i walked outside with her, and told her how i got a car, and talked to her a little, and then left, and she said bye, and then my dad dropped me off back here. i'm not fucking happy. i'm listless and lonely and frustrated. i wanted to stay and take a break with marie, but that's not what's bothering me. i don't know what it is. i wanted to go out with alana tonight? i sort of did. at home, i have no jobs, and i get spoiled and start thinking that i have a life. here, everybody knows i have no time for a life, and they don't bother to include me. that's not it either though. brandy got to see holly today, and didn't invite me, but i had already told her i had to pack. i don't think that's it either. i have to work 11 p.m.-7 a.m. sunday night too, and i have classes monday morning. but i hate classes anyway, and that's not what's bothering me right now. my throat hurts and i keep coughing. i think i'm getting sick, but that's not what's making me so uhappy, either. i don't know what it is. i don't fucking know what it is, but i just want to go to bed and wake up feeling better... but tomorrow i work from 3 p.m. until 7 a.m., and if i go to sleep now, i'll never make it. i've got to stay up for at least 5 more hours... fuck... i don't want to. i don't want to be awake... i don't want to be alive... maybe i'll come up with an excuse to go back to the store and see marie...

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