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stupidfool
so my day. i read some more school stuff last night, and only slept like 4 hours. i went to classes (see previous entry) and then i went to work. terrie talked to me. back when prudy was still here, right after christine left, when i decided terrie was HOT, she used to always stand at self-check and look through magazines and point stuff out to me, and i would attempt to react... then i got over her and she stopped standing by me and i didn't much care. she hasn't done that in at least 2 months... today, like she knows i've decided she's hot again, she strolls right on over with some craft magazine, and flips through it. it may not be a big deal to her, but it's a big deal to me. i don't know if it's a good big deal (she's talking to me) or a bad big deal (i'm right back where i was 6 months ago), but it's definitely a big deal. i respond about as well as i usually do, maybe a little better... it doesn't matter a whole lot, because marie is here, and as always, i am thinking about her... trying to get to see her... trying to get to talk to her... trying to get to touch her...

she calls me over there. in the low door, we stand, just looking at each other, and pressing our hands together, like one of those clapping games where you rhyme as you go, only there's no rhythm or rhyme, just casual random touch. customers come to self-check and she tells me, 'you have customers.' they don't need help. i just say, 'yep,' and stay right where i am, because i'd rather be with her... she looks at me and then smiles and says, 'you're so cute!' then she leans over and pinches my cheek, and before i can retaliate, she has to go help a customer.

she calls me over again. she's let her hair out of the clip. she tells me, 'put my hair up.' i don't deal well with clips, but i reach out and run my fingers through her hair... nice, smooth, beautiful hair... i love hair. i love the way hair feels, especially when it belongs to her... i make a couple non-serious attempts to put her hair up, but mostly she just stands there and lets me play with her hair and i love it.

she takes her last break with me. she makes an extra effort, to make sure she does. she has to be back by 9, and i'm scheduled to go at 9. i'm up there reading the break list, and she remarks, 'i was just trying to decide whether i should take my break with you.' i tell her she should, and rashid goes home at 9 anyway, so maybe i can go at 8:45, and she goes and asks art, and talks him into it, and at 8:45, she reminds him and waits for me. it's the first time we've ever planned it, like that. we've happened to take breaks at the same time, and a few times, she's followed me (she has more flexibility), but we've never tried so hard to take a break together...

we go outside and i burn another one of rashid's nametags. this one doesn't burn as well. i think it's because last time, i used a dirty tissue to help spread the flame, and this time, all i have is wadded up paper. i guess tissue burns better? when it's almost done, tyrone comes by to give her the mix cd he made for her (he showed it to me at the bus stop). she steps on the nametag to put out the fire, and i punch her lightly and we wrestle and tyrone goes inside, after calling me a pyro. we sit on the bench at the table... she lights up her 3rd cigarette of the break, and the wind blows the smoke in my face. i wave it away and ask her why she smokes so many at once, and she laughs and says, 'so the smoke blows in your face.' just looking for an excuse to touch her, i say, 'fine, i'll sit on the other side of you.' she's on the left end of the bench. i'm to the left of the middle before i move. there's no room on her right, and she doesn't move to make room, either. i slide onto the bench, and my hip presses against hers... there's no space between our legs... she moves just enough so that there's room for my skinny butt to mostly fit on the edge of the bench, and then we stay like that for the rest of the break, just that close...

she says she hopes the gay pizza guy brings her some free food tonight.
i ask why he would do that, and she says, 'because he loves me.'
i ask, 'will he bring me food too?'
she says, 'no, because he doesn't love you.'
i say, faking sadness, 'yeah, i don't get food. nobody loves me.'
she rests her head on my shoulder and tells me, 'i love you.'
(i think i was fishing for that...)
i love the way she smells. i love the way she feels. i don't know if i love her, and even if i knew, i probably couldn't say it. i respond, 'so does that mean you'll bring me free food?'
she laughs and says, 'no, it means you'll bring me free food, because you're rich and i'm not.'

the guy does bring her a sandwich, and i notice. she sees me notice, and when he leaves, she asks if i want a bite. i do. later, she calls me over again, and offers me another bite, holding the sandwich out with the middle facing me. there's a big tomato slice there and i hate tomatoes. i tell her there's a tomato in that bite, so she turns it around and gives me a bite out of the other end. when i go up to get bags, later, she hands me the rest of the sandwich. she carefully ate all the tomatoes out of the sandwich, and left the odd-shaped part just for me... i thank her and i mean it. she did give me free food.

when i go to leave, she takes the self-check drawer from me, and asks if i'm going to miss her. i think she means tonight, and the answer is yes, but i don't feel right about saying it, so i play dumb and ask, 'where are you going?'
she laughs and says, 'i'm running away.'
i tell her not to do that, and she says she is, and she's never coming back here.
i say urgently, 'no! why?'
she says she just is, and starts to walk away with the till.
i reach out and put a hand on each of her arms, and pull her back to me, protesting, 'no, marie, don't leave me.'
she comes towards me as i pull, and when i stop pulling, she keeps coming, so i wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on her shoulder. it's the first time i've initiated the hug... she puts her free arm around me and asks, 'why not?'
'because i'd miss you,' i tell her sincerely.
tyrone comes over and splashes water at us, and we pull apart and talk to him.

chuck goes out for break at the same time as i leave. marie calls bye to me, and watches out the office door as i leave. chuck turns around and looks at her, and asks why she looks so sad. i pause, a few feet in front of him, to hear her answer. she sees me stop and tells him, 'because she's going home and leaving me. and i'm going to miss her.'

there is a fine line between that which is sexual and that which isn't... in my mind, marie and i are doing a balancing act... walking on that line... everything we do could be sexual, and it could not be... any one interaction, taken by itself, isn't enough. you would need another to determine which side you're on, but every time we talk, every time we touch, it's just as ambiguous as the last... one minute, i'm sure it's just a joke, and the next minute, it feels so right that i'm sure she's feeling it too...
and i'm not even all there is to this equation... even if i knew which side i thought we were on, i'd still need to know what she thinks. i'm tempted to say that there's no way she could still think we're completely avoiding the sexual side, but maybe i only think that because i want to think it. maybe she thinks there's nothing sexual about it... maybe she doesn't even see the line, it's that far away to her... i just wish i could crawl inside her head, and figure out whether my obsession will ever go anywhere... i wish i didn't feel the need to write 2-page-long livejournal entries, devoted entirely to her. i'm sick of the obsession, but not of her... (and anybody reading this is probably sick of both.)

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feel free to write as much as you need about her.. i see you have a special bond with her. i think that is good. i hope you the best.. be honest and have communiocation open.. smiles

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