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stupidfool
after sleeping 5 hours, i went to udf. susan asked me, again, if i wanted to work full-time for her. i asked if i could tell her on monday and she said sure... by monday, i have to make a decision...

i only make a $.25/hr more there. by reversing how much i work where, i'm only gaining (20 hrs/week * $.25/hr=)$5/week. $5.00 a week isn't that much, is it? i don't know. if my only good reason for not doing it is marie, that's dumb. and i think that's my only good reason, although i have lots of other reasons that i'm pretending are my reasons. like i told molly that i wanted to get moved to the office, and i thought i would have a better chance of that if i worked more hours, and she agreed. truthfully, i don't even know if i want to move to the office, because i would probably see marie less that way. it's all about marie... marie marie marie marie... shut up, loser.

i went home, got changed, and caught a bus to work. when i clocked in, marie was punching out for her break, and she put her arm around me and i put my head on her shoulder and it was a good way to start my shift.

she was coordinator today, which meant she had the break list, and she left it by me on self-check, so she always came over by me... one time, i said something dumb, and she rolled her eyes and gave me a dirty look, and i asked, 'are you mad at me?'
she reached out touched my shoulder and said, 'no, i couldn't be mad at you. i love you... do you love me?'
my voice replied, 'yeah.'
and then my mind thought, 'hold up... run that by me again? since when do you love her? did you just lie, or was that the truth? oh boy...'
i don't know where that answer came from. i'm pretty sure i didn't mean to say it, but i don't know if it's the truth that just slipped out, or a lie that just slipped out.

she left after 4 hours, but in the time she was there, we talked and touched and smiled and i love it. i love every second that her hands are in mine, and i love it when her arms are around me or my head's on her shoulder, and i love it when she's brushing an eyelash off my face, and her fingers brush down my cheek and across my lips... but do i love her?

after she left, i was playing with a hook from a shelf, and talking to rashid. he was talking about aaron, and how molly shouldn't be dating somebody who does drugs, and i disagreed. i didn't bother to tell him that half the time, molly's high with aaron, because i don't want him to think less of her... anyway, that evolved into a conversation about drugs and the people who do them, which led us to alyssa (who drinks, but as far as we can tell, doesn't do drugs) and jeff, and then marie. rashid likes alyssa and jeff ok, and i do too. he hates marie. he asked if i heard how she was complaining about ken, the new 20-year old bagger, and if i had seen how she was treating everybody today, like she thought she was better than the world. i had noticed that (although i had been much more interested in noticing other things... like the way her jeans fit nice and snug around her ass...). he said she was just being a bitch. i want to stick up for her, but at the same time, i know he's right. it's yet another topic on which we are in complete agreement. rashid and i share the same brain... everything he dislikes about marie, i dislike about her too. but i won't agree with him, because no matter how much i dislike her, i still like her. a lot.
he sees that i'm not agreeing, and asks, 'do you like her?'
i mumble, 'i dunno.'
he laughs and says, 'liar. you do know. do you like her?'
i think about it, and then answer, 'well, theoretically, no, i don't.'
'theoretically?'
'yeah. i shouldn't like her.'
'but you do, don't you?'
'well, i don't not like her, anyway.'
'you know why, don't you?'
'why?'
'because you're bad.'
i throw the hook at him and he ducks and runs back to his register, and that's the end of that conversation.

bad=gay. if rashid and i were both sure that we were serious every time we talked, he would know more about me than anybody else in the world.

later, he tells me about how he overheard molly talking with alyssa about getting me drunk. i tell him marie wanted to get me drunk, and her and molly had a whole plan. he tells me not to do it, because i'll wind up dating some drug-dealing guy. and then he adds, 'or marie.'
i roll my eyes. he remarks, 'you should try it sometime.'
i'm not sure if we're talking about drinking or dating a drug-dealer, so i ask, 'try what?'
he replies, 'her.'
i look at him, and he looks at me. finally, i reply sarcastically, 'thanks for the advice.'
he laughs and says, 'no problem,' and it's a joke again... or is it? how can i tell?

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