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maxwell
stupidfool
i'm having a rough time. it's been just over a week since my surgery now. my dad had been here taking care of me, but he left 6 hours ago or so. since then, i've been watching tv and feeling like a huge loser. i'm not sure who's to blame...

when i was working 6+ days a week at two different jobs, i was socializing on the job, with people who i really thought were my friends. when i was at work, we would make plans to hang out outside of work, and then we'd do that evenings or weekends or whatever. and then i also had a whole other group of friends that i was seeing regularly.

since surgery, i've seen nobody but my dad and my physical therapist. some friends are texting to check on me, but some people who i really thought were my friends haven't called, texted, or even liked a facebook status of mine. one 'friend' even texted me three days after my surgery to see if i could cover her shift! (when i pointed out that i'd had surgery 3 days ago (which i KNOW she knew was happening) she did say, 'oh yeah' and then ask how i felt.)

the guy who is trying to do my job in my absence has called me nearly every weekday. i know he's calling because of work issues that he can't handle without my help, but then he updates me on the latest gossip and asks how i'm doing. i never even really considered him a friend before this, but i'm now starting to feel like he could be one of the best friends i have.

i begin to feel like people are only nice to me when i shove myself in their faces, and remind them that i exist. i thought i had build friendships that stretched beyond work or shared activities, but the past week is making me question that. and beyond that, it's just making me feel like crap. i ache. i can't walk and i can't drive so i am stuck sitting around the house, wishing i had friends to entertain me or places to go.

i know it's only been a week, but i'm already torn about how to handle things when i'm not crippled and my life resumes. the people who fell off the face of the earth when i wasn't there reminding them of my existence and forcing them to react to me, what do i do with them? do i try to pick up our relationships where we left off, or do i take this as a sign of where i really stand and move on?

i don't know--am i overreacting because life sucks when you're freshly cut open, alone, and in pain? is a random text here or there acceptable from a good friend? would a casual friend think it could be better to leave you alone entirely and let you recover in peace? would these people have been trying to come see me or check on me if they knew my dad wasn't around? (if that's the case, should i expect an outpouring of support now that he's gone? i haven't had that, although i have had really good support from a few friends, which is definitely better than none.) should i be texting them, asking what they're up to and trying to organize activities? without me doing that, maybe they think i'm not well enough to get out or socialize... but given the fact that i can't drive myself anywhere, it seems pretty shady to try to get a group of people to do something with me, and then turn around and beg one of them to come pick me up before and drop me off after. i feel like since people know i'm housebound and at the mercy of friends, they should be offering to come get me to do stuff and if they're not, it means they don't really like me that much after all. i guess i need to just accept that not everybody is going to like me as much as i like them.

in this mindset, i decided to go ahead and make an lj friends cut. sometimes i feel like my lj life is the same way--i reach out to people, and they barely notice i exist, or i'm just a nuisance. so for pretty much the first time ever, i did an lj cut and completely left my feelings out of it. if you said you wanted to stay, either in the poll or in a later comment, you stayed. if you said nothing, you're gone. i made two exceptions for people who have been my lj friends for 5-10 years, have not updated in months, but have been known to come back to lj after long absences. this leaves me with 15 friends: 8 voted in the poll, 3 commented on a later entry, 2 are the above-mentioned exceptions, one is cowboy and indian photos, and one is myself.
it was quite painful to remove some of those people from my list. i guess i'm just trying to do for lj what i've inadvertently done for my life: weed out the people who don't really want to be there. doesn't that sound like it would be a good thing? it feels a lot less pleasant than it sounds, trust me.

on second thought, i just went back and edited out a few specifics. i'm going to go ahead and make this entry public. if anybody returns to lj after an extended absence or just missed the poll and the subsequent entries, and wants to still be friends, please comment and i'll be more than happy to add you back. i don't want anybody to feel slighted by this; i'm just trying to make sure that i'm not devoting time and energy into caring about people who don't want to have to care about me.

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Hey! I've been a little swamped this week with everything so I missed your poll. I still would like to remain LJ friends if you wish! :-)

thanks! i would--i was really sad i wouldn't get to hear about baby gabriel's integration into your home of kitties! :-)

Awww lovebug!

I totally know how you feel though. I think a lot of the bad feeling is circumstantial. Like I felt the same way after I got dumped then moved across the country. There were a few people who REALLY stepped up, and I was thankful for that, but I think it was just the fact that in addition to what had just happened I had so much sudden free and alone time that really got to me, and I felt so miserable! Now that I'm totally busy though, I feel less alone, even though no one is necessarily contacting me any more frequently than they were when I felt like I was miserable, alone and a loser.(In fact, I am slightly relieved that people aren't contacting me more often, and when they do (like, phil) I am actually slightly annoyed.) So, I realize that I am being somewhat hypcritical...when I am alone and lonely, am pissed that people don't contact me, but when I am busy, I am pissed if they do?

In any case, I love you and I don't know what I would ever do without you!! :-)

i know this isn't supposed to be funny, but is it bad that the line "after I got dumped then moved across the country" made me laugh? maybe just because that's so much drama compared to a stupid hip surgery...

anyway, i think you're definitely right about keeping busy. it's just hard to keep busy around the house on crutches, and without friends, i can't get out of the house! but some people are stepping up, and this is only temporary...

lol...I mean I guess that sentence made it sound even more dramatic, as if the dumping and moving were related :p

But exactly! The feeling of being a loser is definitely temporary, and in your case you know you still have friends even though you might feel temporarily ignored (where as when I got dumped and moved across the country at that time I really thought there was a high possibility I might never have friends again!)

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. :( The only thing I can think of is that they might think they're bothering you if you haven't contacted them. But after a week that excuse doesn't really hold up.

yeah, i guess it's rough to be on the other side too, because if we're not super close, you could be worried about bugging yourself on me... and part of it could be my fault too, because some people have asked me if i needed anything, and i say no. if i desperately needed like toilet paper or something, i think i'd feel more ok about answering and telling them the truth, and it'd be a simple favor... it's harder to say, 'no, but i could really use some company and to get out of the house, if you want to drive over here and entertain me,' because then i just feel whiny and needy!

Awe, I'm really sorry! :( I unfortunately know exactly what you mean about all of this. It's almost as if you feel like you're the good friend because you make an effort to be social and hang out or whatnot, but when you're out of commission, no one takes the time to check in with you. It really gives you the chance to take life in. I always tell myself that I shouldn't care so much about others, but it's just my nature. It sucks being so damn nice sometimes!

Anyhow, I hope you get to feeling better soon! How much longer until you can start getting around on your own??

P.S. Thanks for keeping our little project on your FL! We need to keep up with it, but I'm always forgetting to bring them with us! :-p

it may be several weeks, still! it's been a little over a week, and they're saying it will be 3-4 weeks total before i can walk and drive again!!

Jeez!
I'm gonna come keep ya company because I feel bad! :(

Aww Hun part of this is surgury blues I also think because your caring and you try your friends now think its up to you. Theres nothing wrong with asking them for help and at that point if its a problem then I think you should reconsider whose in your life..
It could also be an age thing too younger peoples are much more self centered these days..

yeah, i think you're definitely right about this. younger people can be nice, when the opportunity to be nice is obvious to them, but i think in general, they're much more flaky and focused only on what's in front of them... does it make me old, if i can say this? i swear i was never like that...

Sometimes when someone has been sick or had surgery it's hard to know if you should be all over them or leaving them alone to let them heal.

Either way I'm sure going from being super social to feeling isolated is not an easy change to make. Maybe you can reach out to people and invite them over or initiate conversations. Either that or just start building weird lego sculptures and posting them on facebook.

I second the weird lego sculptures! :)

i do have 4 lego christmas sets that i'm dying to build but (a) i currently have to be in a motion machine for 4-6 hours a day and sitting up straight for long periods of time is still a little difficult and (b) i won't let myself touch christmas things until november! so come november 1st, i will have something awesome to occupy my time!! :-)

Oh man. Do I feel you. Anyway! Cheer up! And hugs!

i'm glad i'm still here... i've taken a looong time off LJ, but always planned on coming back!

I think as well... some people are really shit at keeping in contact when they don't see people. That being said, you can't excuse everyone who hasn't contacted you because of that. It depends on whether you want to pick up where you left off with them, or if it bothers you so much that they did it or if you just don't miss their company?

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