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maxwell
stupidfool
i'm having a rough time. it's been just over a week since my surgery now. my dad had been here taking care of me, but he left 6 hours ago or so. since then, i've been watching tv and feeling like a huge loser. i'm not sure who's to blame...

when i was working 6+ days a week at two different jobs, i was socializing on the job, with people who i really thought were my friends. when i was at work, we would make plans to hang out outside of work, and then we'd do that evenings or weekends or whatever. and then i also had a whole other group of friends that i was seeing regularly.

since surgery, i've seen nobody but my dad and my physical therapist. some friends are texting to check on me, but some people who i really thought were my friends haven't called, texted, or even liked a facebook status of mine. one 'friend' even texted me three days after my surgery to see if i could cover her shift! (when i pointed out that i'd had surgery 3 days ago (which i KNOW she knew was happening) she did say, 'oh yeah' and then ask how i felt.)

the guy who is trying to do my job in my absence has called me nearly every weekday. i know he's calling because of work issues that he can't handle without my help, but then he updates me on the latest gossip and asks how i'm doing. i never even really considered him a friend before this, but i'm now starting to feel like he could be one of the best friends i have.

i begin to feel like people are only nice to me when i shove myself in their faces, and remind them that i exist. i thought i had build friendships that stretched beyond work or shared activities, but the past week is making me question that. and beyond that, it's just making me feel like crap. i ache. i can't walk and i can't drive so i am stuck sitting around the house, wishing i had friends to entertain me or places to go.

i know it's only been a week, but i'm already torn about how to handle things when i'm not crippled and my life resumes. the people who fell off the face of the earth when i wasn't there reminding them of my existence and forcing them to react to me, what do i do with them? do i try to pick up our relationships where we left off, or do i take this as a sign of where i really stand and move on?

i don't know--am i overreacting because life sucks when you're freshly cut open, alone, and in pain? is a random text here or there acceptable from a good friend? would a casual friend think it could be better to leave you alone entirely and let you recover in peace? would these people have been trying to come see me or check on me if they knew my dad wasn't around? (if that's the case, should i expect an outpouring of support now that he's gone? i haven't had that, although i have had really good support from a few friends, which is definitely better than none.) should i be texting them, asking what they're up to and trying to organize activities? without me doing that, maybe they think i'm not well enough to get out or socialize... but given the fact that i can't drive myself anywhere, it seems pretty shady to try to get a group of people to do something with me, and then turn around and beg one of them to come pick me up before and drop me off after. i feel like since people know i'm housebound and at the mercy of friends, they should be offering to come get me to do stuff and if they're not, it means they don't really like me that much after all. i guess i need to just accept that not everybody is going to like me as much as i like them.

in this mindset, i decided to go ahead and make an lj friends cut. sometimes i feel like my lj life is the same way--i reach out to people, and they barely notice i exist, or i'm just a nuisance. so for pretty much the first time ever, i did an lj cut and completely left my feelings out of it. if you said you wanted to stay, either in the poll or in a later comment, you stayed. if you said nothing, you're gone. i made two exceptions for people who have been my lj friends for 5-10 years, have not updated in months, but have been known to come back to lj after long absences. this leaves me with 15 friends: 8 voted in the poll, 3 commented on a later entry, 2 are the above-mentioned exceptions, one is cowboy and indian photos, and one is myself.
it was quite painful to remove some of those people from my list. i guess i'm just trying to do for lj what i've inadvertently done for my life: weed out the people who don't really want to be there. doesn't that sound like it would be a good thing? it feels a lot less pleasant than it sounds, trust me.

on second thought, i just went back and edited out a few specifics. i'm going to go ahead and make this entry public. if anybody returns to lj after an extended absence or just missed the poll and the subsequent entries, and wants to still be friends, please comment and i'll be more than happy to add you back. i don't want anybody to feel slighted by this; i'm just trying to make sure that i'm not devoting time and energy into caring about people who don't want to have to care about me.

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yeah, i think you're definitely right about this. younger people can be nice, when the opportunity to be nice is obvious to them, but i think in general, they're much more flaky and focused only on what's in front of them... does it make me old, if i can say this? i swear i was never like that...

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