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stupidfool
i slept 3 hours and went to udf, almost an hour late. nobody noticed. i didn't feel guilty, either, because if ja'lysa can do it every night, why can't i do it once or twice when i need some sleep?

i made a milkshake and brought it to work with me. i couldn't find marie, so i waited in line for my paycheck, and after a while, jamal (who was getting carts) told me that marie was outside. i asked him to give it to marie, and then i changed my mind and went outside with him. marie was eating lunch with art. jamal asked, with his hand still on the shake, 'do you want this? it's melted.'
she asked how melted, and then she shrugged and told him he could have it.
i made her a shake and she didn't even want it... i'm early, and i stay outside, hoping to talk to her, but she's much more interested in art than me, so jamal and i burn their trash on the curb.

she comes over to me and molly and tells me she loves me, and then she says she loves molly too. she loves everybody...

when she goes to leave, i block her and tell her she can't go, because she let molly run reports last night, and she's never let me do that, so i'm mad at her. i tell her she has to stay til close tonight, so she can let me run reports. she says no, and tells me to let her go, but she doesn't care. i cross my arms and she hugs me and i keep my arms crossed and don't hug her back. she pokes me in the side and when i squirm and turn, she pulls me towards her, so i'm leaning back into her. we wrestle a while, and she takes a pen and writes on my face, so i try to get the pen. i reach for it and she bites my wrist. it doesn't hurt, but it leaves a mark. even now, you can still see where her teeth sank into my wrist... i trap her in the corner and reach my arms around her for the pen... i like having my arms around her. eventually, we stop and she leaves.

about 15 minutes later, i'm roaming around and amit calls me over to the service desk. he asks what time i work tomorrow, and i tell him, and then he hands me the phone. it's marie, and she makes fun of the way i answer by saying 'hi?' instead of something professional. she tells me she just called so that i would have a phone call, because she knew i would be excited about that. and that's it. evidently, she called just to say nothing to me... i feel special, i think...

i spend most of the night talking to rashid and malik. i feel more comfortable with them than i do with pretty much anybody else... not physically comfortable. the most physcially comfortable i ever feel is when i'm in marie's arms, but then my head is a mess, wondering if she's going to let go, or if i should let go, or if i should say something, or what she's thinking, or if i should be hugging her back, or if i can run my hands over her back, etc... with malik and rashid, i'm just relaxed. mostly, we talk about sex, hot girls, and lesbians, but not in those words. like today, it started when malik said he was hungry. (background information: malik thinks that tiffany (a 30-year old deli girl) is hot. not just a little hot... and he's not shy about staring at her, either. she comes in wearing shorts, and the second she can't see him, he'll call rashid, and they'll both stare at her ass. more background information: late at night, malik goes over to deli and takes food. it's not exactly stealing, but it's not exactly legal either. usually, he takes the cookies that they give to the little kids, or stuff from a package where one of the things is broken, but the rest are fine. they can't sell it, so he'll just eat the good stuff.) anyway, malik said he was hungry, and it wasn't late at night yet. rashid offered, 'i'll get you something to eat from deli.'
i ask, 'something from deli? tiffany?'
they laugh like crazy, and for the rest of the night, we talk about 'deli.' rasid asks if i want something from the deli, and i say 'not right now.'
he jokes that i save that for later at night, like midnight or later, and i say yeah, during the day, i'm a good girl... i only eat things from the deli late at night.
we talk about being 'bad' and 'eating deli' and sleeping 'under the table.' to the rest of the world, we sound crazy. but to us, we're just talking about sex and girls, using a variety of phrases we've come up with over the past few months.
and there are no givens, about who's eating deli with who, or which sex goes under the table with which sex. rashid will say something implying that malik's 'bad,' and malik will play along for a while to give us something to laugh about, and then switch it around so he's straight, and rashid's 'bad,' and rashid will laugh and pass the 'badness' along to me... it's nice, having conversations where heterosexuality isn't so automatic.
is it bad that i identify with hormone-driven straight guys better than i identify with anybody of my own sex?

alana came in to grocery shop with her boyfriend. i live with alana, but it was the first time i had seen her in 2 weeks and 2 days. we talked a little. air conditioning battles aside, i like alana. to my face, at least, she is a good friend... i think.

i found out why molly is on this anti-religion kick. it involves an article in the newspaper about summer camp and kids and freethought, and i want to write a journal entry about it sometime, because i have a lot to think about, but right now i'm about to fall asleep, so i'll do it later.

tomorrow morning, molly and i are doing laundry, and then i work. marie will only be there for the first half hour. terrie comes back on monday, which is my day off. i work with marie tuesday and wednesday, and then i won't see her again for the rest of that week, and the next week, she's on vacation... that's 10 days without marie... hopefully, her absence will make me forget her...

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