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help me i'm so scared
stupidfool
holy fucking shit, today was an exhausting day. not physically, but mentally. my mind is just worn out. alana, molly, and lauren came and dragged me out of bed at 1:45 becuase i had to leave for work at 2:30 and they wanted to cook me breakfast for my birthday. they cooked bacon and eggs while i got ready for work and then i went down and ate it and some cake and then i caught a bus to work.

work was where the trouble began. first, terrie was there. i was waiting in the doorway for teena or michelle to get me my drawer, but they were both busy. terrie was coordinator (so much for my hopes of her having the day off). so she comes over and stands in the doorway next to me, trying to get someone to get me a drawer. i decide this must be some kind of test, to see how i react to her being so close to me, so i casually lean against the wall behind me and look out at the floor, completely ignoring the fact that terrie is here at all. so i'm feeling ok, like i passed this test. terrie doesn't seem to treat me out of the ordinary as she sends me out to register, so i'm thinking that maybe yesterday i just overreacted. they put me right behind jeff and we joke around and the first bit of my shift is fine. then, around 4:30, there's nobody in my line and i'm wiping down my register, when i hear terrie call cheerfully 'christine!' like a greeting type thing. instinctively, my eyes shoot up to where the voice came from. terrie is nowhere to be found, but christine is right there, coming at me. and she's looking at me too, which means she saw how fast my head went up when i heard her name. fuck. she's here with this girl who i think she might live with. i've seen the girl before. she's medium height, black, with long dark hair. they keep walking at me, and come through my line. they have just a snack. i forget. a drink and some candy and an apple or something. christine greets me and says she would ask me how classes were (that seems to be her default question for me), but i didn't have any today. i say nope. and then they buy the stuff and leave my line. i want to turn around and watch them to make sure they leave the store, but i'm afraid that someone will notice me. this is some sort of trap. so i don't turn around. and about 10 minutes later, terrie is talking to jim. i can see them talking but i can't hear or tell what they're talking about. i keep looking at them. i want to know. i'm so scared. she's telling him how i reacted to hearing christine's name, i know. now all i want to do is keep an eye on terrie to see where she is and who she's talking to, but that's awful, becuase the more she sees me watching her, the more it proves her suspicions. i try not to watch, but i have to know! i keep looking, and i think she sees me a few times and i immediately look away. and then jim leaves at 5. he doesn't say anything to me the whole time he's there. and around 5, i see terrie talking to jane. they are standing behind the registers, deeply involved in this serious conversation. i'm scared. i keep glancing up there and one time when i look up they're both looking at me. i look away fast and i'm petrified. when she's done talking to jane, terrie goes home for the day too. but now jane could know too! when i go up to get cigarettes, jane is looking at me funny, i know she is. and ayrik is being really strange now. he keeps asking me if i would date william. i used to talk to william all the time when i first started working here, but then he just quit talking to me. and today is william's last day. ayrik keeps saying how i should agree to see a movie with him, since it's his last day. william is saying nothing through all this, so i don't know whether ayrik is being strange, or if he's doing this because william asked him to. and ayrik starts quizzing me about what i do on the weekends, if i go out to parties and get drunk and have wild sex. i tell him i don't have time for parties becuase i work 40 hours a week and i'm a full time student. he says i must go to parties sometimes. so i lie to him and say i do, and i get a little tipsy sometimes but don't really like the taste, so i never drink enough to get trashed. and i avoid the wild sex question. sometimes, it's easier to just fucking lie.

finally, i get a break. there's no reason for me to not go to the break room, except for that i have to get out of this store. the place is making me insane. everywhere i look, there's somebody who might know. who knows how many people terrie has talked to? i know jeff is safe, and that's about it. i go sit outside at the table and put my head in my hands. i am nervous. my stomach hurts from being on-edge for so long. joe, the customer who likes christine, comes by me at the picnic table and says hi loser. and he asks how i am. i talk to him for a little bit. i feel like christine when i talk to him. he doesn't really try too hard to talk to most people, but he'll stand up at the service desk and attempt to make conversation with christine for 20 minutes. he talks to me for about 10 minutes. i don't want to go back in. it's nice out here and i know i don't have to worry about joe knowing what terrie might know, becuase i know terrie doesn't talk to joe.

then i go back inside and i go to the back to get a drink before i clock back in. tommy is back there and he flips me off, and then throws this wad of packing tape at my back while i'm getting a drink. and then he follows me up to the front of the store, joking with me and hitting me in the back with the packing tape. he is back to normal. maybe he doesn't know... he follows me into the little time clock room and throws the ball at me and it lands and i kick it at him and we kick it around this tiny little room for a minute and then i clock in and go back out. i go to the service desk to get a drawer and he follows me becuase he needs his paycheck. he tosses the tape ball at me and i grab it but he still has part of it, so it just undwinds. i have the bigger half, so i wad it back up and throw it at him, while he's still hanging onto the end of it. he laughs and says i'm cheating. i get my drawer and go to 3 and he sneaks up behind me with the tape wad. and then he and i both notice christine at the same time, and he leaves me and goes over and sneaks up behind her and throws the tape wad at her. she whirls around and chases him across the front end and they're both laughing. i am jealous. i don't know why, either. i'm not jealous of christine, becuase i don't really care if tommy would rather throw tape at her than me. i guess maybe i'm jealous of tommy, becuase he can joke with christine and get chased by her. but that's not really it either, becuase i know it has something to do with the fact that he used to be throwing this at me. i don't know. i'm confused. i also have no idea what christine is doing here. it's been over an hour since she went through my line. did she never leave, or is she just back again? she goes up to the doorway at the service desk and he waits off to the side so he can throw it at her when she backs up. but instead, she opens the door and goes in. so he goes outside, i guess to wait for her to leave. i am going insane. i am trying to help customers and keep an eye on tommy, jane, and christine. finally, christine leaves with her friend. i take a cart back to the front and put it back slowly and watch through the window as they head across the parking lot and tommy runs up behind them and throws the tape wad at her. she pretends to hit him and they laugh and then the 3 of them stand in the middle of the parking lot, talking. god, i hurt. i want to be out there talking. and i'm scared. they're not talking about me, are they? i don't really think so. but they could be. i go back to my register and keep an eye on jane. she could be spreading the word any time. and she sees me looking at her and looks at me funny, and all of a sudden i realize that she could think i like her too! fuck, everyone who i watch could think i like them. so i stare at jeff's back for a long time and hope that jane notices that she's not the only one i stare at. i don't like jane like that at all and i don't think she's hot at all. i'm just scared of her now so i have to watch her.

when i get my second break, i buy a pint of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. i need something to sooth my stomach becuase i'm so nervous i think i'm going to puke. i think ice cream wasn't the best idea. i eat about half the pint, and now i think that feeling isn't just because of the nerves. i come back in and now i'm sick and scared. i don't look at jane as she sends me off to register. i don't look at jane any time she talks to me, or when i go to get cigarettes. i go up there to get cigarettes from amit a little after 10 (when jane's off) and she stopped up there on her way out. i ask him for camel lights and she says everyone in my line wanted camel lights today. i hadn't noticed... but that was a normal thing to say. she said it in a friendly way. i don't know what to fucking think about anything. i'm so confused. jane leaves and i am finally starting to feel better. amit and tasha are closing tonight, and i am almost sure that neither of them know. tasha is still new and most of the service desk people don't like her very much, so i don't think they'd say anything to her. and amit is nice but most of them aren't very good friends with him. he has a heavy accent and it's sometimes hard to talk to him. on register, it's me on 3, malik on 4, and helen on express. malik only works weekend evenings and he gets along with terrie really well, but i know for a fact that he hasn't seen her since this whole mess started. and helen isn't too close to any of them. so the butterflies are finally starting to leave my stomach, when around 10:15, a girl that looks a ton like the girl that christine was with earlier today comes through my line with a thing of water and a bag of chips. i just stare at her, trying to figure out if it's her, while i ring up these 2 items, and then i hear an unmistakeable voice from behind me say 'i got the chips. hey loser, void those chips off.' i turn around and it's christine, going through express. i turn back around to void the chips off and christine's friend says 'you can leave them on.' christine says 'void them off.' i look back and forth between the 2 of them, and then i void them off. of course i listen to christine over anyone else. her friend pays and christine is done too and christine says 'sorry, didn't mean to confuse you, loser,' and the two of them leave. i am back to crazy nervous again. she didn't sound overly friendly when she apologized. in fact, she didn't even sound very apologetic at all. it was more like a reflex, in this tired voice. usually she's nicer to me than that, isn't she? she must know. my god, i am so fucking scared.

when i finally leave, there are no more busses, so i walk. the thoughts are running wild in my mind. i remember when i used to like going to that store, when i wasn't terrified of half the people in it. that wasn't all that long ago... it feels like years. i want to quit. i have to quit. i can't take this any more; it's too hard on me. but wait, do i? maybe i should wait. maybe this is what i need. i want to be out of the closet, but i'm too scared to tell anyone. but if they figure it out for me, and drag me out of the closet against my will, then i have no choice, and it's better for me in the long run, right? i finally get this huge secret off my chest. that makes sense. what's driving me insane is not knowing. i don't know what they're saying. i don't know if they all think i'm a lesbian, or if the thought has never crossed any of their minds. i could be going crazy for nothing. i want them to confront me. but if they know nothing, of course they won't confront me. how am i supposed to know if they know or not? i can't just ask them becuase if they don't know, they sure will after i ask. and what if they do know, and they do confront me? then what? do i deny it or admit it? fuck, i don't know anything! i'm so scared and confused and fucking alone!

i need to sleep. i work at 10 am tomorrow, and at various points in my shift, i work with terrie, jane, and christine. i am so fucking scared. what the hell am i supposed to do?

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Wow chick sounds like things are kinda going to shit, first of all you have to calm down cause you MIGHT be over reacting. If not it must be kinda scarey even though it might be better for people to know, then you might not be so stressed out. And you never know cause you've never been with a girl right? So mabye when you do get with a grl maybe you won't like it and go back to guys, I dunno you sound confused either which way. Well good luck with things today. Talk to you l8er.

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