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the future
stupidfool
i kept the sfb up way past his bedtime today... it got me thinking about some important things, though. he finally gets to sleep, and i'm sitting around feeling pensive, so i'm going to ramble for a while, taking some excerpts from that conversation...

i don't like to think about the future. i like to think about tomorrow, and short term goals, so i don't have to realize that what i'm doing now isn't consistant with what i want for myself 10 years from now... or even a month from now.

anyway, tonight, i thought about the future. the initial problem is that i don't have any idea what i want. growing up, i always imagined myself like my mom... or like katie's mom... or like any of the other grown-up women i knew. happily married, with at least one child, living in a nice suburbian neighborhood... most of them had everything from that typical fantasy, all the way down to the white picket fence. ever since i realized that i would never have that, i've avoided thinking about my future. when i do, i realize that it's no wonder i see myself turning into terrie. i realize that i can't be like the millions of straight women i know; no matter what i do, i'm going to be a lesbian woman... but what do lesbian women do? how do they live? well... all of the lesbian women i know turn out just like terrie. if terrie wasn't the only lesbian woman i knew, i would probably see that this is not my only option...

so realizing this, what do i want for the future?

in the immediate future, i want marie. like, tomorrow. but if i lose the 'right now' mentality, i don't really want her as a permanent part of my life, at least not how she is now. i've grown rather attatched to her, so it wouldn't hurt to keep her as a friend, and i'm not really going to try to get un-obsessed with her, because it would be pointless. i can only assume that eventually, i will get over her. my plans for the future shouldn't revolve around her. (i say this realizing that no matter what i say, to some extent, my plans will revolve around her.)

besides her, what do i want?

for now, i want to feel more like a college student. i want to go to a few college parties, or have a bunch of friends to hang out with on weekends. i want to have some time to goof around with my friends. i want to be able to meet katie's boyfriend. they've been dating for 2 months now... i don't want to find out about important events in nikki's life 3 weeks after they've happened.
i want to come out of the closet. and as dumb as it may sound, i want to have a whole bunch of gay friends, like peter does... like jay does... where you can all go in some rainbow-selling store, and feel just like everybody else.

in the long run, i'm not really sure what i want. i know that as far as gayness goes, i DO want to be like terrie. i want to be able to say, in the middle of a grocery store, 'my girlfriend,' or 'that sexy lady,' and not worry about people hearing, or finding out. i want to be as open as she is, and i want to be that comfortable with myself.
as for the rest of my life... i can see the whole job thing going a couple of ways. i don't think i want to do what i'm doing now. being a full-time cashier is fine for a college kid, and seeing how i look, act, and feel young for my age, i could probably get away with doing it for a while after college. but to be 40 years old and still working for barely above minimum wage isn't cool.
however, i can see myself in jane's position, or even in tasha's, or the one terrie used to have. those aren't great jobs, and you won't impress people like you would rattling off 'i design active server pages for the intranet, using javascript and ado,' but it's a perfectly respectable job, and you make decent wages.
i can also see myself getting a 'real' job, just because i want the money and the respect... but i see it like it was this past summer... i'd still work at the grocery store on the weekends. i wouldn't have to live off those wages, so it would be fine.
either way, for some crazy reason, i can't really see myself not working at a grocery store... maybe that will change, but right now, i feel like i need some 'fun' job, and if i'm going to be stuck in some office building 40 hours a week, i'd better get a grocery store to balance it out...

i don't know where i want to live. i don't think i'm a city girl. i hate walking down the street and having the bums shaking their paper cups at me, begging for a penny. i hate having dumpsters behind my place, and bars on every corner. i hate the trash and the dirt. i hate that i have to walk a mile just to find a grassy spot to practice soccer. i go home, and i love the grass and the trees and the clean sidewalks and the children and the driveways...
but on the other hand, at home, i hate the monotony. every house is the same. every family is the same. they go to the same church, and vote for the same politicians, and hold the same beliefs... and one of those beliefs is that being gay is wrong. i suppose there are people who think for themselves, and it's not as bad as i'm making it sound, but the overwhelming majority of the people in that little suburb think exactly the same as their conservative neighbor, and he thinks that homosexuality is wrong...
it's dumb, i think, to decide where to live based on your sexuality, especially when, ignoring sexuality, you would decide on the opposite. but i can't see myself being happy and open about who i am in that environment, and i don't want to live like this, tight in my closet, when i'm 30 or 40 years old...

and then, having listed all goals that i can come up with, i have to come back to right now, and decide what to do now so i end up there...

i guess i stay in school. i feel guilty not putting much effort in, but it does give me more options down the road, and i suppose sfb is right when he says that i may as well get what i can out of it with the amount of effort i'm willing to put in. if i was failing, it'd be a different story, but it's not like i'm doing that awful bad...

but what immediately jumps out at me is that i need to get started coming out of the closet. i've got no statistics to back it up, but i feel like i'm way behind... if i want to be a happy, uncloseted 30-year old, i'd better get started now... if i want a whole bunch of gay friends, i figure the best way to meet them would be to join some sort of group, or go to meetings, or something... right now, i'm so busy working that i don't have time for that. but even if i wasn't working, i'm not going to sneak out of the house to attend them. i'm not going to lie about where i'm going... before i go anywhere like that, i need to come out to my friends... molly, alana, lauren, katie... maybe nikki can wait, and extra can come along if he wants, but those are the important ones. (i need to come out to my parents too, but that doesn't seem as pressing. i'm already keeping 80 million secrets from them, so filling them in last won't hurt anything.)
but you can't come out of the closet to people you never see. i see molly often. i occasionally see alana. as for the rest of them, i need to get myself some spare time... and if i'm staying in school, and i want to keep the grocery store, that means i ought to quit udf...
which i will. not today, and not tomorrow. math class is over at the end of this week. that'll get me some more free time. when summer classes end, in about a month, i have a free month. i want to work at udf for that month. i think when that month is over, i'll quit.

right now, my goal should be to keep getting decent grades and to come out to molly...

how do i come out to molly? in theory, it's a great idea. but in practice...? i feel like i've got nothing to fall back on. now is when i want christine to come back, to be that safety cushion... if molly gets upset, then what? jim? i've seen him once in the past month, and we don't have serious discussions. in fact, i'm starting to get the impression that he wants to have a serious discussion even less than i want to have one. if i email him with 5 serious subjects and one light subject, he'll respond to the light one.
i want to come out to molly, right now, but it's scary to do something knowing that if something goes wrong, you've got nowhere to turn...
and this is where marie comes into play. automatically, things get confusing again. marie knows i'm a lesbian. she has to know. i've never admitted it to her, and she's never flat-out confronted me with it, but i'm 99% sure that she knows. and i know she doesn't care. my mind slips back to her couch, her arms around me... i'll still love you, no matter what you tell me. i promise. i'll still be your friend... you can tell me...
what was she asking for? was she really only asking for an explanation for that phrase? i feel like she was fishing for more, like she knew that the explanation was tied to my sexuality, and she wanted to know both.
and then later, after i had told her, and she wanted to know if part of it was true... she was asking me to tell her. she was drunk... a little... or was she?
if i had stopped to think about all of this before that night, it would have been perfect. what marie wanted to be to me and what i wanted her to be to me would have been the same, for the first time in my life.
unfortunately, the realization has come a little late. then, i didn't realize how much i needed something to fall back on. i was too busy thinking about how much i wanted her, and i didn't bother to realize that this is as risk-free as it gets, or even to completely realize what she was asking for... it was rather short-sighted of me (which isn't surprising... most everything i do is short-sighted.).
so will i have another chance to tell her? maybe...
but is this really the next step? why is this looking remarkably like the decision i made a year ago, that the next step was to tell christine? is this really logical, or am i just making it logical because i'm obsessed with marie? if i was still stuck in my terrie phase, wouldn't my next step be to tell terrie? and if i were back in 10th grade, obsessing over melinda, my next step would probably be to tell her...
if that's all there is to it, why do i still feel like telling marie makes sense?

i don't know. i'm stuck again.

what i do know:

i ought to stay in school. as long as i'm getting decent grades, i should keep at it, regardless of how much or little i care, because eventually, i will probably appreciate the options this gives me.

i ought to quit udf. by the time fall quarter starts up, i will quit. if i get fed up and quit earlier, that's fine too. i should also quit on good terms, in case i want to work there next summer, when i get a break from school.

i ought to do something about coming out of the closet... marie... molly... alana... i don't know. this is my blurry goal... maybe tomorrow, it will become clear...

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i cheaed I admit I only read the first few paragrapghs (i have to leave soon)

most lesbians I know (DATING-relationship-DATING AGAIN-relationship-DATING AGAIN) is that Terrie

Nan: Committed relationship for awhile and pretty happy about and sees it being a forever type deal

Riley's Aunt: Went to visit her in PA her and her WIFE have been married for like 10-15 years. They both have great cars a home in the Pochanos and a home in NY and children etc... No picket fence but a bomb ass town house

Thinking about the future depresses me because I always get this feeling that I am going to do something great and wonderful. Why is that depressing because right now in a deead in job and not in school I am not doing shit. So the future means I am either going to fuck up or at some point some drastic shit is gonna happen but I don't know what and I don't know when so I don't know if I have already slept on the opportunity that was supposed to make my future geat...uh yeah..that's my two cents

~jay~

okay so I wnt back like you asked and here is what think. you are obsessed with marie so she is your first option to tell. that is one of the most normal things about your whole situation.

she is teh object of your infatuation the representation of a lot of things in your mind and your heart and your head BUT at the end of it all she is still and obsession and Molly is your best friend. It seems that telling Marie first would be better because se will probably handle it well and then she can be there to support you in any way if Molly takes it badly. I understand your reasoning ( i don't know if that is good or bad) And it seems pretty safe reasoning. Just don't talk yourself out of it because you chalk it up to b a result of your obsession not the result of who Marie is.

In the long run I personally think you and Marie will share a lot and I think Molly being your best friend will understand more than you give her credit for.

~Jay~

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