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damnit, it's happening again...
stupidfool
it began: i was up front, and molly and marie were talking about getting me drunk with jello shots. molly told marie she should come over some night, and marie said we'd have to find a night... then molly went home, and marie talked to me and told amit that me and her and jeffy did have a threesome, and i acted mad, but all three of us know she's lying, so i don't really care. we joke around a while.
after about a half hour, ann comes up. everybody in dairy called off today. nobody had touched the department all day, so she asks if i'll go back there. i do. they also sent kyle back there. kyle is 22 or so, and he works grocery, usually. kyle and i were back there for maybe 3 minutes, when marie came back. she was supposed to be coordinating, but she had talked amit into doing it so she could help us. marie likes kyle, just like marie likes every other guy in this world. kyle and i were working from the same cart (juice), and when marie joined us, she started working from that cart too. 3 people can't work from the same cart, but she didn't seem to mind that we were getting in each other's ways, because she was too busy flirting with kyle. finally, i threw an empty box onto the ground and stormed off to get a different cart. i fill the yogurt and listen to them, talking and laughing and joking and i'm jealous. i'm mad, too... mad at marie, for ignoring me so easily, when without kyle, she seemed to enjoy talking to me. i hate this. i'm throwing yogurt up there, and i get through the cart before they even finish the juice. i fill the milk and the cheese. i'm sweating from working so hard, but i can't make the anger go away. i can't tune them out. they're hardly even working, and i'm bitter about that... and she doesn't even pay attention to me, except for to tickle me when she walks by with him, so she can laugh with him about how i claim i'm not ticklish. or she kicks me in the back of my knee, so they can watch it buckle. or she punches me in the back or the shoulder when she walks by with him, but he always wins, and i'm just like her little dog or something. how can she like me sometimes, and then just ignore me when he's here? i hate that. i'm so fucking jealous... i hate her. i hate how she says i'm her friend, and she says she loves me, and then she turns around and ignores me when something better comes along. she notices that i'm not happy, and asks what's wrong. i glare at her, but just looking at her is too much because i love her. she's so fucking beautiful and she's concerned, and she has no idea that this is her fault. how could she? she hasn't even done anything wrong... i mumble, 'nothing,' but i don't even try to be convincing. i don't want to admit i'm furious at her for talking to him, but i want her to know something's wrong, and i want her to pay attention to me now, to prove that she cares. unfortunately, she doesn't care, or at least not as much as she cares about flirting with kyle. she pats me on the shoulder, says, 'smile,' and then throws a package of tortillas at kyle and goes back to the cart he's working on, and they laugh, and have fun, while i get upset. i can't take it. god, i hate this. i finish the cart i'm on, and then i leave them stocking, and i go to the back to tie up the crates.
i'm already frustrated, angry, and upset, and then i discover that they piled them too close together, and i need another person. rashid and i did all of them in 10 minutes last time. i did the work, and he just held things when they needed held, but i know he'd do it again. i go out and find marie, who miraculously, is several feet away from kyle. i'm so upset that i can feel that lump in my throat, like if one more thing happens, i'm going to start crying. i ask her, 'can you please go run self-check for like 10 minutes, and send rashid back here to help me with the crates? he'll come right back, as soon as we're done.'
'no,' she replies simply.
god, i'm angry. the threat of tears is gone because i'm too mad to cry. what the fuck is her problem? i just want to tie up the fucking crates, and she won't even leave kyle for long enough to allow me to do that? i punch the wall of the cooler as hard as i can and demand, 'why not?!?'
she jumps at the sound of my fist on the wall, turns to me, and asks incredulously, 'what is wrong with you?'
i whine, 'i just want to tie up the stupid crates! why can't you send him back here?'
'well, why can't i help you tie up the crates?'
yeah, why can't you? because you're too busy flirting with kyle, i suppose. 'you just can't,' i snap, and even as i'm saying it, i want her to insist. i want her to tell me she'll help me, and i want her to leave kyle out here and go back there and help me.
kyle has come over to us by now, and he volunteers, 'i'll help,' and he leaves marie out there and helps me. i'm fucking angry. i don't want his help. if i can't have marie's help, i want rashid's help, and if i can't have rashid's help, i'll do it by myself. i hate kyle just for being who he is, because marie likes who he is.
as soon as he gets me past the impossible part, i tell him i've got it from here, and he can go help marie. he asks if i'm sure, and i slam the knife past the twine, completely missing anything i had been aiming to cut, and snap, 'yes.'
he hurries away, probably worried that i'm about to use this knife on him.
when i finish, i go back out to do the milk, and she's still having fun with kyle. she notices me, comes over, and says, 'smile.'
i grit my teeth at her. it's the closest i can come to a smile right now.
she tells me, 'you should be happy... you haven't had to run self-check for over 2 hours now... you wanted to come back to dairy... what's wrong with you?'
she's fucking clueless.
'nothing,' i answer.
she says, 'i have something that will make you happy. close your eyes and hold out your hand.'
i don't cooperate, so she puts her hand over my eyes, and puts a lighter in my hand. this is the 4th lighter she's given me. i've already used up the first 3.
she says, 'a new toy!'
i thank her half-heartedly, and i go outside and take a break. i burn 4 store ads, a styrofoam cup, the bottom of my shoe, and a bunch of reciepts. i love fire. i love to watch it... it helps, a little, but not enough... i go back inside, and they're still back there, laughing and talking. marie asks, as i pass, 'what's wrong?'
i just keep walking, and kyle offers, 'i don't blame her. she's probably upset because all day, all you've done is tickle her and beat her up.'
marie protests sincerely, 'but i gave her fire!'
damnit, i hate the world. i hate how fucking accurate that conversation was. i'm upset because she ignores me, and she honestly thinks that giving me a lighter is going to fix it, like i'm a little kid, and she can buy me happiness with a new toy.
the non-pregnant kelly calls marie and me back up front. marie leaves in 15 minutes, but not before she stops to flirt with kyle, then tyrone. i hate people. i don't want to deal with anybody but marie, by herself. i want her to come back and say it was all a joke, and she'd really rather talk to me than kyle. or i just want her to go away and never come back. there's a ya book called i love you, i hate you, get lost. i've never read it, but this marie situation, all day long, has been bringing that title into my head. i love her and i hate her and i want her to go away and i want her to come back... i don't know what i want...

i make rashid run self-check, and i put back returns until it's time to leave.

rashid and i catch the bus, and he talks to me about the same nothings we always joke about. it helps some. i really do like rashid... i'd just rather not date him... i'm still mad, but i'm calming down.

and then i'm home, and the anger dissolves into sadness and i realize that it's happening again. i don't want to do this again... god, i hate it when jealousy rules my life. i hate this feeling. i hate who it makes me. i don't even make any sense, hating her and hating everybody, when nobody's even done anything wrong. i hate how unstable i am, how one minute i love her and want to be with her, and the next minute i want to strangle her. i hate knowing that i'm being completely unreasonable, but feeling like i'm not in control enough to change it. i hate the person i become... how can i blame her for not caring? if i were her, i wouldn't care either. who would care about this unreasonable child, lashing out at the world for doing absolutely nothing?
last time it happened was alana, when she started dating extra. jealousy took over, and i was miserable. i hated being with her and i hated being without her. it was so fucking depressing. i hated my life. i wanted to die; i tried to die. the jealousy led to frustration and anger and depression, and i was miserable. that was before lj, but let me tell you, it was by far the worst time of my life... it had a horrible effect on everybody it touched-her and me and extra and my friends and even my grades. i got the worst gpa of my life during their first quarter as a couple. i hated myself... katie and nikki and molly were all worried sick about me, but i didn't care what i did to them, or what i did to myself. i was only worried about my effect on alana, and that was the one thing that i had no control over. god, i hated that period of my life... i don't want it to happen again. i won't let it happen again... except for that i don't know what to do to stop it...

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