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stupidfool
rashid is my hero. 99% of the time, he can make me feel better. marie didn't work today, and rashid did, and he spent all night trying to make me laugh, until finally he succeeded, and then he kept making me laugh, and by the end of the night, i felt better. rashid is great.

amit took me and rashid home. all day, he was joking about the 'threesome' i had, and about the 'orgy' we had with marie and molly and aaron. i denied it all day long. on the ride home, rashid was talking about me being under the table with terrie, and amit was joking about me making jeffy or jim or marie or molly or aaron jealous. but then, he got serious, and said, 'but seriously, you know marie likes you, right?'
i answer scornfully, 'marie likes anything that breathes.'
he laughs and says, 'no, but for real, she likes you a little more.'
'uh, ok.'
'i mean in a different way. not just a regular like... why do you think she always takes you home, and calls you on the phone when you're at work? why do you think she wanted to go over to your house and get you drunk? what do you think her plan was? at least you were too smart to get drunk... seriously, do you know what i'm trying to say?'
i answer, 'yeah, i get what you're saying... don't know that i believe you...'
he says, 'well, ok, but all i'm trying to say is you better stay on your toes. keep your eyes open, ok?'
'i'll keep 'em wide open,' i tell him.
and then i'm home and i get out. he doesn't know. he thinks i'm an innocent little girl... he thinks i don't want marie... and he thinks she 'likes' me. what does that mean? does that mean she likes me more or less than the hundreds of guys she flirts with?

the other thing i should probably mention (one of chrisgreer's entries reminded me of this, and made me put a little thought into it) is that marie's plans to move in with the boy named jamie fell through. she's still living at home. a while back, when i wasn't around, she told molly that she wanted to move out, and molly told her that next year (sept 2003), we would be moving again, and we could look for a three-bedroom place and she could live with us. then molly asked me if that was ok, here, after marie wasn't around, and i said 'whatever.'
then, a few days later, marie told me that molly had told her that she could live with us. i said fine, thinking she meant in 13 months, and knowing that saying fine now will mean nothing 13 months from now... but molly and i are also moving in 4 weeks, and a few things that marie has said have made me think that she's thinking about moving in with us then... most recently, sunday night (before anything happened between us), we were talking about beds, and marie told me that when we share a room, we could use her bed, and take mine apart and keep it against the wall, or downstairs.
then, i thought this was fine. i thought yeah, i want marie to live with me. yeah, i want her to share my room. sure, i'll share her bed. i like cuddling with marie...
but now, i don't think that's such a good idea. she wants to move out because she's sick of her mom watching over her. as far as i can tell, her mom only watches over her to try and keep her from getting drunk and having sex (not necessarily at the same time). so if she moves in with me, she'll probably get drunk a lot and have sex a lot, and probably not with me. i don't think i'll deal with that very well. i can see myself getting stuck though... i can just imagine... say, 3 months from now, if marie ends up living with us.
marie has moved in with us, making 3 of us in a 2-bedroom apartment. since i have the bigger bedroom, she shares with me... there's not room for 2 beds, so we share hers. marie goes out every night she can, taking advantage of all the clubs and hangouts around campus. when she meets a willing guy, she goes back to his place, and i sleep alone, in her bed. she knows better than to lose me as an option, though, so she makes sure she's here at least 1 night a week. for that one night, she holds me and whispers nice things to me. 6 nights a week, i miss her. i hate that i'm nothing to her. i cry myself to sleep, but i live for the one night that she's with me, because i feel loved and wanted. i know if i force her to choose between the rest of the world and me, she'll choose them, and then instead of feeling loved 1 night a week, i'll feel loved 0 nights a week... so i won't force her to make that choice. i'll settle for what she's willing to give me. i won't find myself a girlfriend. i won't even look, because i'll only have eyes for marie-it's how i work. in fact, i'll probably spend most of my time at home, hoping that marie will come home and want to talk to me, or hold me, or give me some sense of hope, so i can keep believing that maybe someday, she'll realize that she only really wants me.
so that's all speculation. maybe she won't ever mention living with us again. but if she does, and if she winds up moving in, i know it won't be good. i may not have described the exact situation, but it'll be close enough... i know how i work. i know how she works. for my own good, i need to not live with her... but if she brings it up again, i'm scared my head's going to get clouded with images of me and marie, living happily ever after, and i'm going to say the wrong thing... amit's right. i'd better stay on my toes...

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