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everything else
stupidfool
this will probably be long and in funny chunks.

i got an a in psych. my parents will not be killing me. :-)

i think i've stopped respecting authority. when ann tells me to do something, i do it, and when i talk to her, i'll call her ma'am. same went for most the managers we've had there. when joel showed up, though, i didn't really pay him much mind. when he told me to something, i'd do it, but casually, and i didn't really care what he thought (coincidentally, he wound up thinking i'm a good worker, and he likes me a lot, especially compared to molly.) but when jacqui showed up, i didn't care who she was. i'm not going to get my pants in a wad for some girl who's been here for a day. i'm just going to do my job, and if she doesn't like how i'm doing it, maybe i'll care. so when rashid and sam came over to self-check, and the three of us were standing there, talking, she called me up on the intercom and asked, 'does it really take 3 people to run that thing?'
i replied, 'hmmm...' and then i asked rashid and sam, 'boys, how many people do you think it takes to run self-check?'
we joked about it for a while, and practiced splitting the tasks into 3 parts, and then i turned my attention back to her and replied, 'we're not sure. can we get back to you on that?'
she laughed and said, 'could you ask them to stock the cigarettes, or do checklane candy?'
'i could,' i replied, 'but it wouldn't be nearly as fun.'
she laughed again, and said, 'please? tell them i'm watching.'
so i went ahead and passed the message on, and sam's new enough that one reminder from the boss was enough. he kept busy. but about 15 minutes later, rashid came back to talk to me. we were joking around for a little bit, and then she called me over the intercom again. rashid and i both looked up at the office window (where she was watching us), and then rashid went over to the checklanes, and started wiping down a belt. when i was sure that he was working good and hard, i picked up the intercom and asked innocently, 'yes?'
she was laughing, even before i spoke. she said, 'i see how it works...'
'we're all working hard down here, if you were calling to check on that,' i offer.
she replied, not angry at all, 'can we try to keep it that way?'
'sure, we can try,' i tell her.
we sort of try. actually, we just talk from a distance, but she doesn't call down again.
and then today, there was this big stuffed dog, and it was on display towards the store, so its backside was facing the self-check counter. somebody crossed the dog's back legs. jacqui asked me, 'did you cross the dog's legs?'
i didn't. if it was ann, my reply would have been a simple 'no ma'am.' it's not ann, though. i reply, with a straight face, 'no. actually, i would never do that, because i like staring at dogs' butts.'
for a half second, she thinks i'm serious, and then she realizes that i'm not, and she starts laughing. she punches me lightly in the upper arm, and says, 'you are too much... you're right though, the butt is much less noticeable this way,' and then she leaves the legs crossed.
i feel triumphant about this. this is my boss's boss, and i'm talking to her like she's a nobody... and she doesn't care. she thinks it's funny. AND, what makes me feel really good is comparing myself to terrie. terrie has the hots for this lady. terrie's face turns red and she gets nervous and she can't talk to jacqui, and i am 100% comfortable around her. i like feeling superior to terrie...

i tell rashid about my moving out troubles, and how i might not have a place to stay for two days. he jokes that i should stay with terrie. for two days, we joke about people i could stay with, and the whole time, we're saying 'stay with,' but meaning 'sleep with.' mostly, he comes up with ideas, and i tactfully reject them. but at one point, i suggest (as a joke), 'how about nickolas?'
he tells me he'll ask him, and then we go up and we're joking around with amit. rashid mentions how he's trying to find a place for me, and how i want to stay with nickolas. i tell amit i was just joking, and he asks, 'how come you like those kinds of people so much?'
i ask, 'what kind?'
'you know what kind... nickolas... terrie...'
rather than telling him why i like gay people so much, i reply, 'i don't like terrie.'
'yes you do.'
'no i don't. she's evil. she's scary. she hates me and she makes me want to run away.'
rashid interjects, 'you don't like her personality, but you know you like her body.'
he's joking, and all three of us are laughing, as i protest, 'no, not terrie, no...'
only it's the truth. and i sometimes think that all three of us know it.

teena calls scott her boyfriend. i ask if he really is, and she says sure, he's one of them. she's got lots of boyfriends. (this means he's not really her boyfriend.) i ask, 'like marie?'
she asks, 'huh?'
'like marie. she has 80 million boyfriends.'
'no. not like marie. marie is a skank.'
denial wins and i pretend it's a joke.
she adds, 'don't tell her i said that.'
'don't worry,' i laugh, 'i won't.'
she doesn't understand why i'm laughing, and asks in confusion, 'why, do you think that too?'
i would, if i would let myself. but i'd rather think that she's just pretending like she's a ho, while inside, she's head over heels in love with me and only me. i avoid the question, and tell teena, 'that's what i hear, anyway.'

rashid actually asked nickolas if i could stay with him, when i wasn't there. nickolas tried to be polite and tactful and decline and finally, rashid told him that he was only joking. rashid tells me that he's going to ask terrie next.

kinitra is hot. i take another break with her (i'm sick of this happening), and rashid is back there at first. i laugh with him, and we joke about asking nickolas and terrie to let me stay with them, and bad people, and staying at ann's place, and sleeping under the table, and all these inside jokes that probably didn't make any sense to kinitra, but we were laughing like crazy. then rashid had to go back up front, and i spent 10 minutes in silence with her. what do you say to a really hot girl? i just stared at the tv. the wnba was on, and i discover that there are some good-looking women in the wnba...

today, terrie was there and it was the first time i had seen her in over a week. she got a haircut, and i don't like it as much. terrie went home early, and there was nobody to be coordinator, so since i was running self-check, i volunteered, and non-pregnant kelly was more than happy to let me. she mentioned, as she walked by me, 'you should probably tell kinitra to get some carts now. make sure she realizes that she's the only bagger tonight, so she's got to stay up on that.'
holy yikes... i'll be coordinator. i'll send cashiers on breaks, and make sure stuff gets done, and i'll even sacrifice my break to make sure they get theirs on time. that's all cool... but talk to kinitra? i don't want this job anymore. i can't talk to kinitra... but kelly's already walked by, and i have to do it. i spend about 5 minutes mentally rehearsing. i don't want to sound like i'm trying to boss her around. i want to sound nice, and fun, and likeable, and if she's a lesbian, i want to sound gay. that's a whole lot of stuff to fit into a sentence about getting carts... i work up my nerve, and go over to where kinitra is bagging for pregnant kelly. pregnant kelly is about due for a break, and she asks me about that, and i talk to her for a little bit. kelly is nice and it helps me remember how to talk, so i can turn casually to kinitra and say, 'hey, you're the only bagger tonight, so can you just make sure you keep up on carts, please?' it sounds too bossy. i add, 'you don't have to do them now if you don't want to, just make sure they don't get down too much.' augh, still bossy! i probably would have kept trying a while longer, had she not nodded and said, 'that's cool.'
i added, 'i'm sorry you have to be the only one doing them, though. i know that sucks.'
she shrugged and said, 'that's all right. it's cool.'
i walk away like i'm calm, but my head is saying i just talked to kinitra i just talked to kinitra i just talked to kinitra and my stomach is fluttering and my heart is racing and my hands are all clammy and i'm still waiting to get un-nervous.
it is so much easier when you don't decide the girl is hot until after you know her...
later, i have to talk to her again to tell her to go on break. i struggle through that one, too, and i end up sending her about 8 minutes late, just because it took me that long to work up my courage.
when she gets back, she's getting carts, and some pregnant lady wants help out to her car. i wander between self-check and the lobby, waiting for kinitra to come back, and when she does, i wait for her to stop pushing carts so she can hear me. i ask, 'how bout helpin a pregnant lady out to her car?'
she laughs and says, 'sure... i thought i was in trouble, with you coming out here to get me.'
i laugh and say, 'oh no, just a pregnant lady...'
i make her laugh again when i'm looking for a card application. i start on the register closest, and ask, 'do you have a card application?'
he doesn't, and by the time i get down to the last register (where kinitra is bagging), i'm just asking everybody i see, 'card application?' so i ask pregnant kelly, 'card application?' and i ask rashid, 'card application?' and i accidentally ask kinitra, 'card application?'
'what?!?' she gets all worried.
i laugh at myself and say, 'sorry. i was just looking for a card application, and i got a little carried away...'
she laughs too.
when she goes to leave for the night, she comes by the self-check counter, drums on it lightly, and tells me something. what? i don't know. i was thinking damn, a hot girl is saying something to me, and that was so amazing that i didn't have any brain cells left to process the actual words. i think it was something about either that she was going home for the night, or that we should have enough carts to last the night, or something... i just answered, 'aight, cool. thanks.'
she said, 'no problem,' and left and boy is she hot. and i'm done babbling about that now.

molly stopped in my doorway the other night and asked, 'are straight people sexist?'
any time molly says anything about sexuality, she gets a big surprised, 'what?!?!' from me before we continue the discussion. this time was no exception.
she clarified, 'like wouldn't you say it's racist, sort of, if you never thought about dating black people, even if you knew some and liked some, just because they were black?'
'yeah, i think so.'
'so then isn't it sexist if you know and like lots of girls, but you don't even consider dating them, just because they're girls?'
i think about it. 'well, maybe, but how could you fix that? everybody would just date girls, so the girls would date each other and the boys would just want to date the girls?'
'no, everybody would be bisexual,' she declares.
i tell her i always think of sexist as favoring males, just like you don't normally think of racism as hurting whites. she says maybe that's what it actually means, and then she goes to talk to aaron on the computer.

christine thought molly was bisexual... i ought to come out of the closet to molly.

so last night, i tried. i decided that i would take a break from packing and i would go talk to molly. i did. i talked to her for about 3 hours. we talked about moving, and we talked about our jobs, and we even talked about gays and straights and beds and sleeping with people... but i could never quite figure out how to get at it. even when i drop hints, she doesn't press it. in fact, when i hint too much, she changes the subject. like i ask, 'is it comfier to sleep when aaron's in the bed?'
and she says yeah, because he's warm and comfortable. so is marie i think, but before i can say anything, she adds, 'you should try sleeping with a boy sometime.'
no... i shouldn't... but while i'm still working up the nerve to correct her, she changes the subject to dan (a guy who she used to sort of date, but only because he wanted her, and she liked having a warm body next to her in bed. they never had sex or anything like that...), and then i've lost my opening.
i am so bad at this... for 3 hours, we go on like that... i create openings and lose them, and get no packing done either. right now, molly has all her stuff packed up but the clothes she's wearing for the next 4 days and her bathroom stuff. i have 2 boxes of legos packed. i think i finally ran out of stuff to say, so i'm going to go pack now...

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