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stupidfool
i went to no classes today. i just sit around feeling scared. i don't know what's going on. this makes 13 classes in a row that i've skipped. i'm going tomorrow though. i have to. 2 labs (one to make up for the one i skipped tuesday) and one class where i have to turn in homework. i will go. i mean it. honest.

anyway then work. jane and terrie both had the day off or worked early. i don't know which, and i don't care, as long as i didn't have to deal with them. christine was supposed to overlap my shift for 2 hours, but she left a half hour early. but in the hour and a half, she was nice. like i went to get my drawer and she asked how classes were. i told her i didn't go. she asked when didn't i go, just today? so i told her i hadn't been since thursday. she asked if i was ok. i wasn't acting ok. i was scared of her. i don't know what she is thinking and it scares and depresses me. so i was in that moping, staring off into space, sad kind of mood. i just said yeah, in a lifeless tone...

jp was coordinator, and he said every time he sees me, i look worse. he asks if i'm ok. i say yeah. he pats me on the shoulder and sends me to express.

later i went up there for some 10s and leaned against the counter and stared at the wall while i asked for them. christine said i looked stressed. she asked if i needed a hug. i don't know what to say to that. yes, more than anything else, i would love a hug, to just have her hold me for one brief moment, lean against her and feel like everything is going to be ok. but i'm afraid. i can't say yes to that. i don't ever admit to needing anything-help, a ride home, a hug, anything. and plus, i'm scared that this is some sort of test, still related to terrie knowing. if i say yeah she'll jump up and scream 'terrie is right!' or something. and besides, there's a service desk between us, so a hug is pretty impossible without a bit too much effort. i say no, in the same lifeless voice i've been using all day. she looks at me with concern and offers 'sometimes it helps...' i stare blankly at the wall behind her and don't respond. i don't know what to say. she hands me my 10s, pats me gently on the arm, and says 'hang in there, kid.' i want to cry again. why does her being nice to me make me want to cry?

later, i'm on express and deshawn is on second express. she is over there talking to deshawn and kanesha (a bagger) while i huddle in a corner and stare out the window. i am absolutely not a part of the conversation, but i listen. they're talking about getting haircuts. christine says she wants to get one but doesn't know how to get it cut. she's saying she wants something drastic, because she feels like it's time for a new her. kanesha suggests she gets it real short, like jane's. christine says she doesn't think she could pull that off becuase people would think she was a butch. then she laughs and says that it doesn't really matter, becuase no matter what she does, people are going to think she's a dyke. i don't know what to make of that conversation. i understand why people would think she's a lesbian. she's athletic, and while she occasionally dresses girly, she appears more comfortable in baggier clothes. the tomboy type thing. if you put her next to me, and played 'pick the gay', i bet she'd get picked at least 9 out of 10 times. but i make an extra effort to dress straight, since i am gay and don't want people to find out. if she's so comfortable dressing like a dyke, it's less likely that she actually is one, right? hearing her talk about gays, i want to be able to figure out what she's thinking about them. even if she is straight, i want to know what she thinks about gays. if she hates them or not. i couldn't tell from that short conversation. she didn't say butch or dyke with much emotion at all, either way. if i say them, i ooze with that 'yuck' tone. i don't think she did. that's a good sign, right? i don't really think that was enough of a conversation to really make any conclusions. i need to sit down and have a talk with her about gays sometime. lol, yeah right.

but then she looks at me and i haven't moved in a long time. she comes over and stands in front of me and snaps her fingers and says wake up. i look up at her. big mistake. god, she's so fucking nice. you can see she's concerned, the way she looks at me. i want to cry again and i look away. she asks if i'm tired. i sleep through all my classes. i sleep through life. i'm averaging like 11 hours of sleep a night. so i tell her no, not really. she asks if i'm stressed? i shrug, and mumble no. depressed? i mumble no again. she says 'yes you are. you're depressed.' i say 'no, i'm just tired.' the second the words leave my mouth, i realize that i just told her i wasn't tired... oops. just tired is my excuse for everything. i don't want to admit that i'm upset, or scared, or depressed, or any of that. but being tired is ok. she laughs and says 'now you can't use that excuse. you just told me you weren't.' then i get a customer and she moves and a few minutes later, she leaves for the day.

for some reason, jeff thinks i am acting like this becuase i am sick. i tell him i'm not. he recommends a good cold medicine. i tell him i'm not sick. i buy food from him for my break and he suggests i buy some medicine for my sore throat. i tell him i'm not sick.

jim comes in at 6. he comes over to me right away, and asks 'now what was with you the other day, when you asked me about terrie?' hmmm... i was hoping that he would forget that i asked that by friday, but at this rate, that's not likely. it doesn't take him long to realize that whatever was 'with' me then is still with me now. he says he wants a full explanation. he tries to repeat the exact question i asked him, only he doesn't remember exactly. the best he can come up with is 'why does terrie hate me?' i think that could be good. isn't it better for terrie to think that i asked why she hated me than for her to think i asked what she thought about me? i don't know. i think it would be best if he told terrie nothing. maybe he won't.

later i'm staring off into space and jeff offers me some of his bottled water, becuase you should drink lots of liquids when you have a cold. i tell him i'm not sick. it's funny and he's not even joking. he seriously thinks i'm sick, and i just won't admit it.

when i take my second break, jim sneaks upstairs and takes it with me. i'm still sort of mopey, but i'm actually doing a little better. terrie isn't here, jane isn't here, and it really seems like jim doesn't know, or if he does, he doesn't seem to care. he doesn't mention the terrie thing again, maybe becuase don't look so depressed and he doesn't remember it. he is nice, just like usual, and he talks about different things. i mostly just listen to him, becuase i'm still not in a talking mood.

a while later, teena asks if someone will go out and get carts. i say i will. jeff says it's not good for a cold to be outside when it's rainy. i tell him i'm not sick. i go and the difference is amazing. i feel so much better being outside, away from the store. just being in that place depresses me, and the second i leave, my mood improves. i want to get carts the rest of the night, but when jeff goes home, they need me back on register. when he passes me, he tells me to make sure i get lots of sleep tonight, so my cold goes away faster. i tell him i'm not sick.

finally my shift is over, and alana and her boyfriend came grocery shopping, so they hang out when they're done and give me a ride back.

now i analyze. neither jim nor christine seem to hate me. this either means they don't know, or don't care. don't care would be nice, but i think don't know is more likely. or maybe they know what terrie thinks, but don't think she's right. or terrie could have just not told them. or terrie could not even know herself and i'm insane. i think that's becoming a more likely possibility. i was convinced that terrie, jane, christine, and jim all knew, and i was so sure. now i only am sure of half of that. seems like it won't be long before i'm sure of nothing again, and things are back to normal. so here's the outlook on the next few days:
thursday (tomorrow), i work with jane and jim. i hope to observe jane a bit and see how she acts towards me, becuase i'm thinking she probably doesn't know and now i just have to prove it to myself.
friday, i have off, but jim and terrie overlap for the first time since i asked him about her. i almost hope he mentions it, so she will say something to me and either prove me right or wrong, once and for all, and i can stop all this worrying, or know that i'm worrying for a real reason. either one of those would be better than what i'm doing right now.
saturday, i work with terrie for 3 hours, jim for 5 hours, jane for 7 hours, and christine for 7 hours. if jim tells terrie, this could be interesting... if jim doesn't tell terrie, i need to figure out for myself what terrie thinks. i honestly still think that she suspects. maybe she didn't discuss it with anyone, but i really think she knows. oh well. we'll see.

tonight, i was a good student and did my prelabs and homework before i wrote in here, so now i should be able to go right to bed, and still get 8 hours of sleep before i have to wake up for class tomorrow. i will go to class. i will go to class. i will go to class...

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Going to class?? Good, and I thought I missed alot! lol... and I went to school today too so its all good, but I do admit I do skip too much, same with my bro though, he could give less of a flying fuck about school. Hmm oh well and oh ya about that singing thing I totally agree cause in my head and on tape it sucks but when Im performing it live it sounds good, haha and ya I probably do confuse you alot, so Ill keep my advice to a minnimum, lol and 35 degrees is not cold! Are you kidding me?! haha its hotter then LA right now, well actually alot of places are hotter then LA. hmm I like LA lol... confused yet? I know I switch subjects all the time. K well I should go, I have to go write in my live journal then go back to my desk and do some work, ciao!

thats not what i mean! you don't confuse me a lot. i mean i do such a good job of confusing myself so much that you couldn't possibly say anything to make it worse... i am as confused as a human can get, just with me. so don't worry about confusing me. you can't. i already do. riiight... (oh, and i can use all the advice i can get, so you don't really have to minimize that either...)
you should come live in the us for a little, and then you'd know, 35 degrees IS cold! lol.

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