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stupidfool
awwww i missed my live journal.

so cindy and laura came up yesterday. we went to see a movie. we wanted to see pearl harbor, but it was sold out until really late. so we wound up seeing shrek... i figured it would appeal to the 7-year old in me, if nothing else. when it started, i began to regret out decision. all the jokes were the kind that would make kids under 7 say ewwwwww and laugh hysterically, but anybody older would just think it was an immature attempt at humor. like farting and earwax and stuff. but it actually got much better. there were a couple jokes that i'm sure went way over younger kids' heads, and most of it was pretty funny. i really enjoyed this little gingerbread man (he had a very small role, but it was so cute...). and the last 2 minutes or so were really funny. it was a good movie overall, and i would recommend it to people of any age. ok, so that's the end of my movie review. then we went to chi-chis and stuffed ourselves. mmmm... we went back to my room. cindy knew somebody from down here (stephanie) that she had met at her school. stephanie was going to meet us at the movie, but then had to work until 11. so she said she was going to come hang out after work, but it turned out she had to work at 9 am today, so she didn't want to stay up that late. but molly and aaron (her boyfriend) and lauren came up and hung out with us. they all got along great. they sat around telling stories about stupid things i've done. cindy and laura had never heard all the 'stupid loser' stories from college and molly, aaron, and lauren had never head the 'stupid loser' stories from home. they had a blast, and 'stupid loser' was a good sport. i practiced juggling while i listened. i'm getting pretty good.

today i got up and cindy really wanted to go visit her friend at work. so we went. me and laura didn't know this girl at all. she worked at marshalls (the department store), in the men's department. we went there and wandered around and eventually had her paged becuase we couldn't find her. she comes out and she is HOT. she's so happy to see cindy that she gives her a hug. then cindy introduces me and laura, and stephanie gives us hugs too. i think my face turned bright red. this girl is really nice too. she's freindly to me and laura too, so we don't feel excluded at all. (can you tell that i'm impressed with this girl; i met her once and i can't stop rambling...) yeah, well she also mentioned her boyfreind, so i'm not getting too excited or anything. just with christine on my mind 24/7, it's rare that i even think anything about a girl besides her. so i'm rambling. shoot me.

then we go back to the dorm and then they drop me off at work. my good mood is immediately gone. terrie is here, and she worked with jim yesterday. i am scared. i go up there to get my drawer, and terrie calls cheerfully 'hi loser!' i reply 'hi' tentatively. she is never so friendly to me. what's going on? does this have something to do with jim talking to her? i don't know what to think, but i take my drawer off to express, still feeling scared and depressed. a bunch of people called off today, so christine comes in early. that's not so bad, i guess. she says nothing to me. but i've decided that she probably doesn't know. terrie runs behind me on second express. i am depressed, and she doesn't mention it, but when i ask her for a key or she borrows my pop barcodes, she is friendlier than usual. jane comes in at 4. she doesn't talk to me, but she has no opportunity to. then terrie cuts her finger on something and goes up to the service desk to get a bandaid and some sympathy. christine and jane are with customers, so she shows it to me and says 'look what i did to my finger,' in this sad little-kiddish voice. i feel like i ought to offer to kiss it and make it all better or something, but i decide that's not the best thing to say, especially becuase even if she said yes, i wouldn't. so i just say 'awwww, i'm sorry.' and wonder why she isn't being mean to me any more. terrie was supposed to go home at 6:30, only becuase we're short people, she doesn't.

after my first break, i go to 5. i'm leaning into my bag rack, staring off into space, when all of a sudden, one finger pokes into each side of me and a voice says 'wake up!' i jump a mile. it's marie, and she's cracking up at my reaction. i can't help but laugh too. she's still worried about me, and she still thinks i'm upset becuase i'm leaving soon. she asks me when i go home, and when my last day here is, and if i'm going to miss the store. i tell her i don't know. i am going to miss the store, but that's not the problem, and if i tell her i'll miss it, she'll think that's why i'm upset. i don't know why i don't just let her think that. it's not like i'm going to tell her the real reason i'm upset, so what difference does it make?

i go up to get cigarettes from christine with my hands in the air, and she's on the phone. when she gets off, she comes over to me with her hands up just like mine, and asks 'still remember?' i blush and put my hands down and tell her what i need. she says she's sorry, if i'm more comfortable talking with my hands up, that's fine, really. i tell her i don't mean to do it. she says well it's fine, i don't have to stop talking like that just because she teases me about it, and she'll stop if it bothers me. i say no, it doesn't bother me, and i'd like to learn to talk like a normal person anyway, so her teasing me is a good reminder to put my hands down, and it's fine. i'm still talking and feeling depressed, but i'm a little more functional than i was at the beginning of the day. i'm just worried about what jim said to cause the change in terrie.

we get busy and they call people up to come bag. jim comes. these 2 girls come through my line. the one gives me her keys so i can scan her wild card, and i notice that there's a little pride rainbow keychain on her keyring. (meaning she's a lesbian, most likely). i know jim doesn't notice that, but when they leave, he comes over to me and whispers 'were those 2 lesbians?' he thinks that probably becuase the one looked butch and the other didn't. i guess. i didn't even look, really, becuase i'm still in that depressed state. but i don't think it's very fair of him to just make that assumption based only on the looks of the girls. if he had seen the keychain, maybe then it would be justified. i look at him in surprise, and say 'i don't know. how do you tell?' he rolls his eyes and walks over to bag for a different lane. he's not being mean to me, just like 'i can't believe you are so naive.' if i had any guts, i'd say something back, like 'i can't believe you're so quick to judge.' i don't have any guts.

terrie calls me intercom line 1 to ask me to run malik's break. i need to know if she wants me to use my drawer or his, but of course i don't speak correctly, and ask 'do you want me to turn him or bring myself to him?' she answers 'bring yourself to him,' and laughs, but not in a mean way. she's proud of herself for figuring me out again.

i get my second break and i pass molly on the way up. she says i don't look too happy. jim sneaks up. he sits at the table and flips through this newspaper. out of the hundreds of articles, he picks one about lesbians to discuss with me. the basic story is this: at some high school, they were going to put a picture in the yearbook of 2 girls kissing. the teachers in charge refused to let that picture be published, so to protest, the students organized a kiss-out, where a lot of people gathered and girls kissed girls and boys kissed boys. i don't have much to say about it. i don't have much to say about anything though, becuase i'm still being sad. i don't know what to think about this. i understand that most guys have this thing with lesbians... but do they all mention them THIS much? but then again, if terrie doesn't know, i don't really think jim could suspect without her telling him. maybe i don't give him enough credit, but i don't think he'd be able to figure that out. a hot girl who i look at too much would have a much better chance of figuring it out, and if they really didn't, then how could jim? so then he talks about something else for a while, and right when i'm supposed to be heading back downstairs, he brings up the terrie thing. i sit back down. he says 'so are you going to explain that question you asked the other day?'
i say 'uhhhh.. probably not...'
he asks if i was just upset at terrie or mad at her, and i say no, that's not it at all. he asks if she was mad at me. i say i don't know; i guess that's what i was wondering. and then i ask him if he told her. he says no, he didn't say anything to her about it. i feel so much better. i really do. she doesn't know i asked about her. that means that this change in attitude towards me has been entirely her own decision. it makes it much more likely that she was just in bad moods those other days. it makes it much more likely that this entire crisis has been a figment of my imagination. if she does know, or even suspect, it evidently doesn't bother her, since she's being nice to me. most likely, she just doesn't know. i would sure be happy if she knew and didn't care. maybe i'll pretend that's what's going on. so jim asks me some more questions about it, which i don't really answer. he says 'it's not nice to bring something up like that, and then not explain yourself.' i tell him sorry, and then i go back downstairs and clock in about 10 minutes late.

i go up to get my drawer and christine asks 'was that a long break?' i tell her sorry. she says its ok, she doesn't care, she was just wondering if it really was a long break, or if time was just going slowly for her.

terrie (who is STILL here) starts collecting returns. she gets them from malik, so i know she's coming to me next, so i bend down and start collecting them. she comes over to my register and asks for returns, and then says 'you're already getting them for me, aren't you? awwww... you're such a sweetie.'

molly sneaks up front and leaves one of those red playground balls at my register. she says i can play with it and it will cheer me up. i am feeling cheered up already, but i'm sure this will help more. nothing brings out the cheerful 7-year old in me like a pretty ball. i roll it around at my feet and play with it.

marie comes in with her mom and goes through malik's lane. i hear her say 'hi greg' and i turn around and ask 'did you just call malik greg?' then i realize that greg from night crew just walked by, and i say 'ohhhhh i get it never mind.' she laughs and tells her mom 'i love loser. she's so funny.' marie puzzles me. i don't know what to think.

i play with the ball when i have breaks in customers. at 11, i'm supposed to leave, and since terrie already got all the returns, i take the ball with me to put back on my way out. i dribble it like a basketball over to the service desk to tell them i'm going home. christine sees me playing with the ball and laughs. she holds up her hands for me to throw it to her. i don't know why she wants it, but i do. she catches it and throws it back. so i take it over to clock out and she makes a face, like she expected me to throw it back again. oh well. it's ok. i'm ok. christine will throw balls with me. terrie doesn't dislike me. jim didn't tell terrie. and i still don't know about jane, but if terrie's ok, jane must be ok, right?

then i walk home. when i'm almost to my dorm, i notice this guy walking in front of me. i think he is johnny. johnny is one of 2 gay people i know. i better clarify. i don't actually know him. the two gay people i 'know' are really just two people whose names i know, and i know what they look like and know for a fact that they are gay. i have never spoken to either of them.
the one is a girl who was in a different session of a class i took in the fall, and she made a web page that included her picture, and also a picture of her girlfriend and links to gay pride pages. i recognized her, like i had seen her before, but i had never spoken to her and still haven't.
the other, i heard about through molly's boyfriend, aaron. aaron is a sophomore. last year, he was assigned to live with 3 other guys, and one of them was johnny. johnny was in the closet then, but at the very end of the year, he came out. aaron talks about johhny like a big joke-he doesn't even call him by his name. he calls him 'the gay christian,' and i've never heard one good thing about him. johnny is in our dorm all the time becuase he has lots of friends (girls) who live here. so aaron pointed him out to me and molly one day, and i insantly committed his appearance to memory.
anyway, i'm walking along with this guy who i'm sure is johnny in front of me. i want to talk to him. to get to know this guy is just what i need. a gay guy means no worries about a relationship, since neither of us could ever be attracted to each other. plus, he's a christian. i need to talk to gay christians, becuase trying to get straight christians to help me is a lost cause. i won't tell them why i stopped believing, so they can't help me. i want to walk a little faster and talk to him, but i don't know what to say, so i just follow him a while more. when we're right in front of the dorm, he stops. he turns around and says 'hey, do you live there?' i tell him yeah. he asks if i'll check him in. (after 10 pm, anybody who doesn't live in the dorms has to be checked in by someone who does.) i say sure, and as we walk up the steps, i ask if he was aaron's roommate last year. he says yeah, and asks how i know. i tell him my friend is dating aaron. we talk a little more about aaron, like what he's said about johnny. i don't mention that i know that he's gay or christian. i don't really mention anything i know about him, except for that he listened to rap sometimes. he laughs and says yeah, not that much, but they made fun of him every time he did. i check him in with the night people, and then we ride the elevator together and he says 'thanks sweetie' (for checking him in) and tells me to tell aaron he says hi, and then i get off. ok, so i know that is nothing. i'm sure johnny wouldn't recognize me tomorrow, especially if i wasn't in my big bear shirt. but it's the first time i've ever spoken with someone who i know is gay. this is a big deal to me. should i have mentioned that i knew he was gay? maybe he would have said something about it, and we could have had a discussion about homosexuality. i could use one of those. i have never had a discussion about homosexuality with anyone. i think i'm overdue. i want to see him again. i think i'm going to go walk back and forth in front of the dorm every saturday night, hoping that he will need signed in. not really... damn, i should have made a stronger first impression. i want him to remember me, so he'll at least say 'hi' next time he sees me.

anyway, tomorrow i work with christine. i get off a half hour before her and the bus doesn't come and it's supposed to rain. the outlook is good for loser getting a ride. but i'm not getting my hopes up because i wind up sad that way.

shit. i just looked at a calendar. i have 2 weeks left. i work 5 days this week, 3 with christine. then the next week, i will probably work 3 days (don't know how many with christine), and then that's it. i'm going home for the summer. i only work 8 more days! what if she has quit by the time i get back in the fall? how am i going to survive an entire summer without my daily christine fix? how am i going to survive a whole summer without a daily livejournal fix? waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

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lol u know what u should maybe except a ride from her, then maybe you guys will have a longer conversation then just the 5 minute ones you seem to have in the stores, and you know what since maybe this whole christine thing isn't gonna work, this summer you should try looking around for someone.... well ne wayz its late I gotta go, ciao

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