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stupidfool
i woke up today and went to work. i have this streak going-ever since saturday at 3, i've worn nothing but big bear clothes and pajamas. i sit here typing, still in my big bear shirt. and i'm sure i will wake up tomorrow just in time to put on my big bear shirt and head off to work (we have no school since it's memorial day).

today, christine and jane work the same shift as me. christine asks something about when are finals. i tell her next week, but i've got a new streak going, and i'm not going to skip any more classes. that's probably wishful thinking, but it would be nice and i sure hope i can mean it.

then i'm on express and this lady comes through with 2 kids. she has one of those carts with a built-in baby seat, and her boy is in the baby seat. he talks and he is capable of walking, and he's way too big for a baby seat. her girl is probably about 6, and she's walking. so the lady buys her items (way more than the 10-item limit on express, btw), and then she goes to leave, and the little girl says 'mommy, did we pay for the juice mikey's drinking?' i look over there and notice that the little boy in the baby seat is drinking from this little jar of juice. the mom doesn't know i see, whispers to the little girl, 'shhhhhhh!' and then leaves! i am in fucking shock. the juice probably only cost like 50 cents, but she just STOLE it! and maybe it was an accident at first, but then her little girl pointed it out to her, and she goes ahead and leaves anyway. so now not only is it stealing, but it's also setting a terrible example for a little 6-year old girl! i don't know what to think. i am distraught. i keep looking to the door, expecting her to come back and pay. but i can see her out the window, loading up her car with the groceries, and she's not on her way back in. this just isn't right! i want to march out there and make her come in and pay. i don't know what to do, but this whole situation is so disturbing that i can't just sit here and watch her drive away. so i go up to the service desk and say indignantly 'that lady just took juice and didn't pay!' i tell them the whole story, all in a voice that conveys just how bothered i am by this situation. christine and jane both laugh. they agree she should have payed, but they think it's funny that i am so upset about it. jane remembers which customer it was, and says she'll tell brian, or something, but she's still laughing at my reaction. i say 'that's just not right!' christine laughs and says 'you are too cute.' i make a face and leave. i guess when you become mature, you learn not to be bothered by things like that. too bad i'm still 7. i can't believe that lady!

then i get a break, and i eat (among other things) a candy bar. jim sneaks upstairs and talks to me a little. he is amazed at the way i eat my candy bar. he says it's completely wrong, and nobody eats candy bars like that. all i do is unwrap it and then eat it. i don't get it. he says everyone in the world eats candy bars more like bananas. you're supposed to leave the part you're not eating in the wrapper, and hold onto it by the wrapper. i didn't know that, and i still don't believe that it's that abnormal to unwrap the entire candy bar before you eat it. i guess i'll have to do some more research on that.

then i get back, and christine comes through my line to buy herself some bottled water. she pays with change, becuase she has a ton of change in her pocket. when she dumps it out, she says she always has a lot of change. she has a lot to say, actually, and i don't have anything to answer to any of it. so when she goes to leave and says 'i don't know why i have so much change,' i feel like i need to answer at least one of her statements, so i say the first thing that pops into my mind. 'it makes you heavier.' she stops completely, turns and looks at me, and says 'what?' i say 'so you weigh more.' she shakes her head at me, laughs, and says 'yeah, i don't need to weigh any more than i already do,' and then leaves. i feel like hitting myself in the fucking head. i don't know where that thought came from. somebody shoot me. i say the dumbest things.

then jane calls jim intercom line one and a few minutes later, i see them going on break together. i have come to realize that when you are the boss of the front end, you never take breaks by yourself. yesterday, jane and terrie left christine inside by herself while they took a break. and now there is nobody here but christine and jane, so jane calls jim up to take a break with her. i wonder, as they walk outside, if they are going to talk about me. then i figure i'm being paranoid again, and look where that got me last time. so i forget about it.

i get some form from an old man who gets a 5% discount because he is that old. or something weird like that. i don't really know. so i flag christine down becuase she is right there. she comes over and says she doesn't remember for sure, but she plays around for a little and figures it out. she smells SO GOOD. mmmmmm... then she says i have to fill out the form with some stuff, changes her mind, and fills it out herself. her sleeve brushes against my arm a few times. i go crazy. i watch her write my name on the form, and suddenly recognize the handwriting. anybody remember that note i found in the break room...? becuase i do. and i remember the writing. not just that it was in all caps, but also the way the letters were formed. exactly the same way she formed the letters in my name on this paper. she wrote that note. there is no way that anybody but her could have written it. the handwriting is exactly the same. i remember. 'you say you like me for my personality, but then you make physical comments... is this a joke to you?' something like that. she wrote that to someone. who? i want to know. i should have said something to her. god, that was a long time ago. a month, at least. i want to know who it was to. marie? could it be marie? who else could it be? i wish i had told her 'you wrote that note' the second i saw her handwriting. maybe i can do it tomorrow.

then i get my second break, and when i come back, jane asks 'do you really unwrap your whole candy bar before you eat it?' i say yeah... she says yeah, jim told her, and it is a little weird. most people she knows eat it more like a banana. ok, so now i have reason to be paranoid. if they were talking about how i eat a candy bar, who knows what else they were saying about me... (and is the way i eat a candy bar really that strange?)

then more time passes, and then jane gets her second break. it's late, so the service desk is closed, so christine goes on break with her. they give helen the key and leave her in charge. it's slow. they come back from break. helen and rose and i are all on register, and there's nothing to do. christine is upstairs, so i go up to the service desk and ask jane 'can i collect the homeless items?' (i meant returns)
she laughs and says yeah, i can bring up my drawer first. when i do, she tells me to come back behind the service desk and get the 'homeless items' from back there too. while i'm trying to figure out which key opens the gate, she says 'i wish you didn't have to go home for the summer.' i am glad she said that. now i know she doesn't hate me either. no matter what she discusses with jim, she doesn't hate me for it. i tell her 'i wish i didn't too.' she laughs, and asks where i'm from again. i tell her. i give up on the key and just climb over the gate when she's looking the other way. then christine comes back downstairs while i'm searching for returns around the service desk. she lets herself in and her and jane are talking. i can only find 2 returns, so i wait til they're done and then ask 'are there maybe not so much back here?' jane says yeah, and christine laughs and asks 'what are your parents like? are they as unique as you?'
i tell her 'my dad's a nerd and my mom's a little strange, i guess.'
this makes her laugh. it's pretty much the truth. my mom does some crazy things. and my dad is your stereotypical nerd. if she wanted details, i could give her them, but to describe with a stereotype is much easier. then she asks if i have brothers and sisters.
i tell her i have a normal sister, an almost normal sister, and a weirdo brother.
she asks how old he is, and i honestly don't remember, so i just say 'he's stupid.' he is stupid. he is the kind of stupid i am. he does things without thinking and he says things without thinking and it gets him in a lot of trouble, all the time.
she answers 'he must be smart.'
i make a face and say 'no, he's stupid.'
she says i say that about me too, and she knows i'm smart, so she's sure he is too.
i say 'well yeah, but he's stupid.' he is smart, in some ways. he's really advanced in math and science, and he's really lazy too. he is doing better than most kids a few years older than him, without any effort. so yeah, he's smart, but he's also really stupid.
she says 'i bet he's smart.'
i say 'well, he's a lot like me.'
she says 'then he's smart.'
i say 'well sure, but he's also really stupid.'
i think she thinks i'm trying to argue with her, tell her that he's not smart. i'm not. i agree. he is smart. but he's also the dumbest person i know, with the possible exception of myself. (i'm not sure how she can know that without ever even seeing my brother, but hey, whatever)
then i go to get out, and i still don't know which key does it, so i just climb back over. this time they both see. jane tells me which key it is and i look through the keys again. while i'm testing the different ones, christine asks 'do you think you could ever work in the office?' that's what they call them. they're all interchangable. the service desk people and the inkstand people and the cash office people are all the same. at kroger, they were all separate, but here they just call them all office.
i say 'i dunno.'
jane asks in surprise 'would you want to?'
i would because i like to learn new things here. it's different than engineering becuase i know that nothing is too difficult. it's a grocery store; how hard can it be? but for some reason, i'm afraid to say yes. so i say 'i would probably say wrong things.'
christine laughs and says 'we all do that sometimes too.'
jane chimes in 'not me!'
i find the key that opens the doorway. i had tried it upside-down before.
christine laughs and says 'yeah, all of us except jane. she's perfect.'
and that's the end of that discussion. i wander off with the two returns from the service desk and wish i had said yes. i know it's too late for this year, but when i come back in the fall, i could work back there. i could be like christine. that worries me a little. if i only want to do it to be like christine, that's a bad reason. she could quit at any time, and then i would be stuck with that job. but i want to do it for other reasons too, don't i? not really. maybe i don't at all. maybe my future probably isn't in the grocery store buisness anyway, so i should settle for being a cashier and concentrate on making it to classes. maybe i never know what i want.

christine calls me over and dumps $7 of quarters into palm for me to bring to helen. her hand touches mine. i like christine.

then i bag a while and go up there and tell them i'm leaving. christine just says bye. she doesn't ask if i'm walking and i don't bring it up, of course. it's not even raining.

so tomorrow i work an 8 hour shift with terrie and christine. i think the note is still in the corner of the break room, seriously. i'm going to check when i get there, and if it is, and the handwriting still looks like i remember it, i'm going to mention it to christine. is that a bad plan? i don't know what i hope to accomplish with that, but i'm going to do it. and now i'm going to do my homework and maybe some laundry. it's not late yet...

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Heya, no you don't eat a candy bar weird, I eat it with the wrapper off cause the wrapper annoys me lol... and alot of people I know eat it without the wrapper. Ne ways so hmm ya I gotta get goin, Ill talk to you l8er, ciao

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