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stupidfool
i knew i would daydream in class, so i figured i may as well direct my daydreams in a productive direction. today was supposed to be 'figure out how to come out of the closet day.' unfortunatetly, within the first five minutes of my first class, the teacher called on me (don't ask how she knows my name, because i have no idea.) it was a simple question... we were discussing basic experiments, and she wanted an example of an situation with only two possible outcomes, like a baby can be a girl or a boy, or a coin toss can be heads or tails, or a light can be on or off. i couldn't think of anything. the whole class stared and i said, 'ummmm... uhhhh... i dunno....'
silence. i feel REALLY dumb. finally i come up with, 'a glass can be empty or full.'
that's a bad one, i know right away. it can also be half full, or 3/4 full, or 2/3... the teacher's thinking i'm stupid, and is trying to find a way to break it to me. i quickly add, 'and you can't drink it halfway.'
and everybody laughs and we move on. but for the rest of that period, and for my next 2 classes, instead of brainstorming ways to come out of the closet, i wind up brainstorming situations with two possible outcomes, that i should have said... you can be asleep or awake. ice cream comes in a cup or a cone. you can get a question right or wrong. a statement is true or false. and every time i come up with another one, i beat myself up over not thinking of it in time...

after class, i go back to alana's with her. lauren is there and we eat chocolate covered gummy bears and i tour their place.
i'm starting to get the impression that alana doesn't like me. lauren seems to like me, and alana's boyfriend seems to like me, but alana just doesn't... at first, i thought she was just in a bad mood, but now i think maybe she just gets that way around me, because she doesn't like me. i know she can be a pain, but i still like her, and even if i didn't, i wouldn't be happy about her not liking me. i don't like to be disliked, especially not by somebody who used to like me. it makes me feel like i'm deteriorating...

i go home, get a shower, and go to work. marie is there, and tells me that we close together, just the two of us, on thursday night. i act like i hadn't even noticed that, and i tell her not to get mad at me if i'm slow (i am). she keeps threatening to call off, because her throat hurts, and she thinks she has strep throat.

they (marie, terrie, michelle, and teena) ask me if i can stay later. i can't, for two reasons. one is dumb (i want to leave at the same time as marie) and two is good (i have a lot of homework to do). i give them the second reason, and i tell them how behind i am. i say, 'i'm being a bad student.'
terrie says, 'you?! no way...'
'i am, honest! i'm so behind,' i tell her.
'you work best when you're under pressure, don't you?' she asks.
'ummmm....' i try to figure out the answer to that.
'you do, i know you do,' she tells me.
'i think the problem is that i only work at all when i'm under pressure. i'd probably work best if i did it ahead of time, but i never do,' i answer truthfully.
the four of them laugh, and marie sends me back to my register (which she will do at least 30 more times over the course of the evening).
that was like something christine would say. terrie was like christine, when she said that. and i answered like she was christine, not like she was terrie-who-i-am-terrified-of. it was neat... i miss christine.

tyreka told kinitra (as i had expected she would) about my pregnancy question. when i found out, i told her that it wasn't me, it was all rashid. he had told me, over and over. she asks, 'and you believed him?!?'
'well, no, not at first, but he kept saying it was true, and just ask tyreka... so i did.'
she rolls her eyes and says her mom would never let her work here if she was pregnant, and she can't believe i thought that it could be true.
marie sticks up for me (if you want to call it that), and tells kinitra that i'm the most gullible person she's ever met, and that i believed that jeffy's dog had 5 legs. it was the first time i knew that wasn't true. for 2 years, they had been talking about his 5-legged dog, and whenever i showed any signs of disbelief, they would say things like, 'it's not really a leg, it's more like a stump, but he sort of wobbles when he walks because he tries to use it like a leg.'
and why would they lie about something strange like that? so i believed them, and now, two years later, i find out they've been lying all along... i feel dumb. i punch marie and kinitra laughs and says, 'you really believed that?'
dumb dumb dumb dumb i feel dumb. i've been dumb all day.

marie and i go outside on break and i let her burn the bottom of my shoe. i don't really know what to say to her. maybe i'm not in love with her. with marie, i have to keep playing. i don't have real conversations with her, not unless she's holding me in the dark. in her bed, we talked for real. on her couch, in the dark, she held me against her and we had a real conversation. and in my bed, snuggled together, we had serious conversations, several of them. and i guess we did once in the dark, on the car ride home, when i was really tired. but mostly, we just play and touch and flirt and joke. i want to talk to her, but i don't know what to say, so i just steal her lighter and burn the bench. if i really loved her, wouldn't talking to her come naturally all the time, not just in the dark when we're physically close?

i leave with her. she says i have to walk her out to her car and eat all the germs on the way there, so she doesn't get any, or else she won't come to work on thursday. i walk her to her car. every time i do this, it drives me crazy. i leave and it feels unfinished. we both try to drag on the goodbye forever. i feel like i need to kiss her goodnight, but of course i won't do that. but i also won't feel right leaving until i've done that. so i never feel right leaving, and she never makes it easy for me to leave, and it's awkward, sort of, but i don't want it to be end because i'd rather be with her and feeling slightly awkward than without her and feeling lonely. yeah, i'm dumb.

i go home and do nothing forever. i wash the dishes, just to avoid doing homework. finally, around 2 a.m., i start my homework. i spend an hour and 10 minutes on one equation. i simplify this complicated circuit and get one equation in one variable. i solve it easily, plug the numbers back in to check, and it doesn't work. i check all my work, and re-check, and re-check, and re-check... how can it solve, but not plug back in? that makes no sense, so i'm sure i'm either solving wrong or plugging wrong, but the whole thing is simple! damnit, my little brother could do this problem. in fact, he could have probably done this problem 5 years ago. why am i so dumb? at 3:10, i give up solving it myself, and i get online to find a buddy. nikki is the only one who's not asleep, so i recruit her to solve it. she gets the same answer i got. i tell her to plug it in. she says it works out. she takes me through it step by step, and every single time i factored out the -16, i left the negative sign in the middle of the equation. you don't have to know what i'm talking about to know that it was a dumb mistake to make once, and only an idiot could make the same mistake EVERY SINGLE time she tried to work out the problem. yep, that's me. i'm having a dumb day...

i won't see marie again until thursday, unless i go there on wednesday, which i won't (i'd better not). tomorrow, i close with tasha, and i'll pay close attention, because i want to know as much as possible when i close with marie... and i have been brainstorming my out-of-the-closet ideas, although judging from my track record, today might not be a good day for that. i'll list what i have so far later, anyway, though, and then i'll re-read, add, and edit tomorrow, or the next time i'm not feeling so dumb.

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