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it's been a year.
stupidfool
in about 5 hours, it will have been exactly a year since i came out to christine...

yeah, a lot of things have changed since then... but a lot has stayed the same. maybe on the inside, i'm more comfortable with myself, and maybe i have matured and grown to accept myself... but what have i got to show for all that? christine is gone, jim is almost gone, and i've gained a marie. so what? like that took a whole lot of effort, or showed any courage at all... she knew and i knew she knew. i knew she wasn't going to care. she was practically making out with me before i told her. even so, i wasn't the one to bring it up. she still had to ask for it, and coax it out of me. there was no risk there.
and having her know isn't doing me any good. she's not even my friend, really. i'd like her to be, but i think she only cares about me when i'm in front of her and she feels like it. she said she'd call me this week, and i was free all week. even if i wasn't, i would have made time for her... but she didn't call. i'm not going to get into that now, but i'm just trying to point out--telling marie was not at all like telling somebody who actually cares about me. i didn't have to stick up for myself and i didn't have to explain myself. i guess it was good practice, but i should count it as just that - practice - not an actual accomplishment.

so i went out to eat with lauren and alana this morning. extra didn't come, and so i didn't tell them. accuse me of making excuses - maybe i am - but i think that of the 3, he's the most likely to take it well, and i only wanted to do it if he was there. he wasn't, so i didn't, and now here i sit, nice and closeted. molly is out of town, and she will be all weekend. i don't work today or tomorrow. i have no more plans for today or tomorrow... so not only will i not come out of the closet, but i probably won't even speak to another human being for two days. i feel lonely already... i want a hug, and it's got me making plans to go see marie at work tonight, which is stupid. i'd be better off going to see somebody who's actually my friend, and then i could tell them the truth, and then i'd be accomplishing something...

this. sucks. happy anniversary to me.

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