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stupidfool
i worked today. it was my last day working with terrie and jane, and i saw jane once and she spent the rest of the time upstairs. i saw terrie a few times when i needed cigarettes and stuff, and she asks me 'what do you need, sweetie?' why have i become a sweetie? i don't even know if she realizes that i'm leaving. i don't even know if she would care if she did realize. i don't expect her to. i don't care that i'm leaving her, either, i guess. i'm probably just being dumb. i don't think i slept enough last night.

i didn't see christine for a while, and when she first saw me, she greets me cheerfully 'hi loser!' and then asks how are finals. she can't ask about classes any more, so she switches to finals. maybe it's a good thing i'm not staying over the summer, becuase i don't know what she'd say to me if there was nothing school-related going on. i tell her i think i failed one, but i'm practically done now. becuase today's were the hard ones. the rest should be easy. on my first break, i'm sitting up there eating some crackers, and she comes back. tommy comes back too becuase it's the start of his shift. they start doing that throwing things at each other, threatening to dump water, etc, thing with each other. christine asks when i'm leaving (while he's still there) and i tell her friday. tommy didn't know i was leaving and i try to explain only the words come out jumbled so christine tells him i'm leaving just for the summer to go home and do an internship. tommy says 'awww...' and then he leaves to clock in and christine asks 'are you going to miss this place?' i say yeah. and then she falls silent and i have nothing else to say either, so we spend the rest of the break in silence and i sit there and breath in and she's next to me and i smell her and i hate that she can have such a great time when tommy's back here but i can't make her that happy. i think this is frustrating, and maybe it's good that i'm going home for the summer to get away from it. it doesn't matter. i go from one frustrating situation to the next. at home, there's this girl, holly. she works at kroger. she is my home version of christine. they're very different in a lot of ways, but they're both straight girls who i like. that's all it takes to make for a frustrated loser. i think i'm going to wind up back at kroger this summer. the managers love me and every time i've been at home and stopped in, they ask if i'm coming back this summer. i tell them about the internship, and they say 'well you can work weekends... come on! we'd love to have you.' nikki and katie are staying down here over the summer, so i'm going to have nothing to do at home. and besides the frustration that came with holly, i enjoyed working there. so i'll wind up back at kroger, my obsession will shift from christine to holly, and then when i come back here next fall, it will go back to christine. or if holly's gone, i'll find a different straight girl. this is my life. i hate it.

anyway, a lot later, jeff leaves, and it's just me and helen and sara. it's pretty dead and we usually only have 2 cashiers now anyway. terrie is upstairs and christine is doing all the stuff by herself. i am wandering around the front end, looking for something to amuse myself. i've already collected returns and taken out the trash. christine calls 'hey loser, wanna do me a favor?' i don't even bother to find out what it is before i answer 'yeah!' she has me come back there and stock the cartons of cigarettes. while i'm back there, she sorta talks to me. she says how they're going to change around this setup, and i say it's sad that i won't be here when it happens. she asks if my parents are making me do the internship, and i say yeah. (they're not. nobody is making me do it. but i know if i didn't do it, a lot of people would be dissapointed in me. molly and lauren are already jealous because they wanted internships and couldn't get them, and if i could get one but didn't take it, i think that would make it worse.) i tell her 'they say it's good for my future.' (they do say that. i'm telling the truth.) she tells me they're right. i say 'yeah but it's dumb becuase that's not the future i want.' school isn't the future i want. nothing is the future i want. i don't know what i want. i don't want a future at all. i am stupid and confused. she talked to me casually on and off while i stocked the cartons. and she helped me find them too, becuase they're in no order at all. marlboro is on top. everything else appears to be completely random. it takes me forever to finish, and i have to manuever around her to put some of the cartons away becuase she's right in front of one of the shelves. it makes me fucking sweat, being so close to her, and i wish it didn't. by the time i'm done stocking them, i'm burning up. it's also time for me to leave. she says bye to me and i go.

tomorrow, i study for more finals and clean up my mess a little. i am a slob and my stuff is everywhere and it has to be all neat and together and ready to go home by friday. i don't want to go home. i don't want to stay here. i am stupid.

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