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i need to start over.
stupidfool
molly was talking to me this morning, just like normal. in fact, she was normal right up until marie called. i never said her name, but i know molly knew who i was talking to, and she probably heard me say something about the apartments, or maybe she just heard the way my voice got all excited. either way, when i got off the phone, molly was mad again. i asked her questions and she didn't answer. when she finally did speak to me, it was one or two words, and she was snapping them. she was mad, and it had something to do with marie. either she doesn't like marie, or she feels like i'm abandoning her. am i? i can't even be rational about it, because i know that marie is the reason for all my decisions... but i always thought that if marie wasn't the reason, i should be doing the exact same thing, and it's a good thing marie is herself, because it's motivating me to do the right thing... but is it?
i mean, to me, the plan was always to move off-campus, as soon as this lease was up. molly had always told me that, and we had both planned, and gotten excited together, and we were anxiously awaiting the day we could move off campus. then, before i even knew that i could live with marie, molly told me she wasn't moving off campus any more, because she wanted to stay close aaron. she said she would get a one-bedroom place, and i could move off-campus. in my mind, she abandoned me. the right thing to do would be to say, 'fuck you,' and move off-campus without her, since she's the one who's ditching me for aaron... but i didn't do that, because i thought that my options were to live by myself or to stay with her, and i didn't want to be alone. when i found out that both nikki and marie were ready to save me from having to live by myself, i figured i was pretty lucky... but maybe in molly's mind, i'm abandoning her. maybe she really was going to try to work out a compromise, or maybe i really could have talked her into moving off-campus, but instead of any of that, she feels like i just ditched her and started making plans with marie... i don't know, and i don't even know for sure that that's what's bothering her... you tell me. who ditched who?

i really just need a new beginning. i need to get out of here, away from molly and marie and terrie and the reminders of friends i used to have and people i used to know, and just start over.
college is supposed to be a new beginning. and when i left for college, there was a nagging voice in the back of my mind, telling me that college was the perfect time to start over, and to come out of the closet, and to meet new people, and to let go of all the familiarity that i had clung to for my whole life... but i couldn't do it. my senior year in high school was probably the best year of my life. everything just went right.
i didn't have any serious obsessions, so i was never weighed down. there was holly, but holly was (and still is) the most healthy obsession i've ever had. she's just fun. we have fun. we're friends, and occasionally, i wonder if i like her as anything more, but most of the time, i just want to see her, and laugh with her, and joke with her, and when i see her, that's what happens. it was painless.
i loved my job. i worked with a girl named alexa. she wasn't really that funny, and i wasn't really that funny, but when you put the two of us together, we were hilarious. we couldn't stop laughing, and the people around us couldn't stop laughing. we were constantly doing stupid things, and getting in trouble, or narrowly avoiding getting in trouble... (nothing bad, really. like one day in july, we were supposed to be looking for patriotic decorations. we discovered a box of 3-d paper snowflakes, and we threw every single one of them out the second-story window, so we could laugh at the way the pedestrians got confused and looked up at the sky, not the window. and what was even more fun was that excited scared feeling that we got when we realized that we now had to go down there, and find a way to sneak all those snowflakes back inside, without the bosses seeing us.) i felt aboslutely nothing towards her, romantically, but i LOVED spending time with her at work, and she felt the same way about me. we carefully wrote our availibility so we almost always wound up working together, and i looked forward to going to work every day.
at school, i had finally started to grow up. instead of being labeled as a troublemaker, i was labeled as a clown. it was a step up. instead of getting yelled at, i had fun.
i was playing soccer and loving it. i played for the school, but david (my friend) and i also created a co-ed team. we played indoor in the winter, and then we got together all through spring and summer for pick-up games. winning didn't matter; we played just to play, and it was fun.
there were no older kids in the school. i always feel inhibited and scared around older girls, but finally, i was at the top. i could stop worrying about acting mature and making a good impression, and when i stopped worrying about that, i made a whole lot more friends. i had always had friends before, but suddenly, i had 10 times more. every night, i had someplace to go, and most nights, i wound up choosing between a few sets of friends. one night, i was out tp-ing with the soccer team, the next night, i was bowling with the band kids, and the next night, i was over at katie's house with nikki and tara and fly, just hanging out. friday nights were usually spent with anthony, who worked with holly, and somehow, we always wound up having to go there, and all of us would hang out and talk to holly for at least 15 minutes, every friday she was there.
school was a breeze, and outside of school, i was having the time of my life.
so when the time came to think about college, i put the thought of a new beginning way in the back of my head, and made college plans with the intent of keeping things exactly the same-or as much as possible, anyway. when nikki and katie both announced that they planned to go to the same school, i decided that i was going there, too. never mind that some other college had offered me a full-ride scholarship... forget about what was best for my future... i just wanted to keep things the same.

i guess i should have known better. change isn't something you can stop. within a year, nikki and katie were hardly my friends, in the present tense. but over the course of that year, i had made a new set of friends, and i was ok... by the end of my 2nd year, everything was different. there was almost nothing remaining from that perfect senior year... i had come here to avoid change, and the change had happened anyway. but because the change had been gradual, i never got that new beginning. nikki and katie were there when i met lauren and alana. i never got to re-invent myself, and i never had the experience of being completely alone in a new place...

now, i want that. i just want that chance back. i want to figure out how to meet new people, and i want to go someplace new and just be like terrie-completely open about who i am.

it's a little too late. for now, i'm stuck in this lease. when it ends, sometime in august or september, i have less than a year left of school. if i go away then, i'll never get my degree. at any other college, half the credits won't transfer, and i'll have to do twice as much work... so after the lease is up, i need to be here for another year. in a way, it's perfect. no matter what happens to me and marie, at the end of that time, i'll have graduated, molly will have graduated, and marie will be moving away. hopefully, without marie, i won't have any reason to feel like i need to stay here... i can just leave. it doesn't really matter where i go, as long as it's not here or home. i just need that fresh slate.

2 years is a long time to wait...

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