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stupidfool
arugh. i had 2 hours between classes and work. i ate lunch. marie called. i talked to her on the phone for over an hour, and now i have to leave again. i had homework that i needed to do! and i'd so much rather talk to her...

towards the end of the conversation, she says, 'hey debbie...'
just the sound of her voice worries me. i ask cautiously, 'what...?'
'i... i know you don't like to talk about this, but i'm going to make you, ok?'
'no.' i don't even know what she's talking about, but i know that if she thinks i don't want to talk about it, then i probably don't want to talk about it.
she says, 'do you know what i'm going talk about?'
'no.'
'i think you do...'
if she thinks i know, then i probably do know, and if i'm thinking of the right thing, she's right. i don't want to talk about it.
she talks anyway. 'have you ever though that when you're living with me, you won't have to hide who you are any more?'
i don't want to talk about this... 'no,' i lie. i just thought about it a few days ago, when jay brought it up, but i just want to make her stop.
she asks, 'do you know what i'm talking about?'
'yeah...'
'you can, you know... be yourself...'
'i don't want to,' i tell her. in a way, i don't. ultimately (like, many years down the road), i want to wind up like terrie, just completely free and open and unashamed, but tomorrow? i want tomorrow to be just like today. i don't want to talk about it. i just want to be 7. i don't want to talk about sex or girls or any of that. i'm content to just think about it, and when i'm around people, i want to be just like i've always been... goofy. asexual.
she says, 'i want you to. really, doesn't it bother you to never be honest about things? isn't it stressful to hide who you are from everybody?'
'no.' it's not stressful. it's normal. it would be stressful to come out of the closet.
she tells me, 'debbie, i know you might not want to, but it will be good for you. do you ever watch terrie? isn't it wonderful how completely open she is? she doesn't hide anything from anybody, and she's happy that way... doesn't it ever bother you that you're the complete opposite?'
'yeah,' i admit, 'it is great for her. and someday, i'll be that... but not yet. not now. when i'm older. don't you think when i get old, like 30, then i will?'
'no,' she replies. 'truthfully, i don't. i think you're old now. i think you've spent so long hiding it, and it's become so normal to you, that you won't ever change. i think that when you get to be 30, you'll say that when you're 40, you'll be you, and when you're 40, you'll put it off to 50.'
'no... someday...' i mumble.
'debbie, i'm not playing around. i'm serious. i really think it will be good for you to just be yourself, even if it's just around me. just say what you're thinking. don't be so quick to run away from those topics. get yourself used to it. if you ever want to be yourself, now is the perfect time to start... i already know; you don't have anything to worry about.'
i don't want to talk about this... 'ummmm...'
'think about it, ok?'
'ok,' i reply dutifully.

i'm scared.

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