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so this is how it ends...
stupidfool
awwwwww i feel like crying. it was such a good day and such a bad day. i don't know what i'm thinking or feeling. i had a dream last night that christine was my mom. she saved me from the bad guys and gave me a hug and said don't ever scare me like that again, sweetie. it was a good dream, but kinda strange. i don't know how to interpret that. i hope it's not supposed to mean anything bad. i woke up just in time for work. i went there and i was on register and 2 seconds later, christine walks by so i can smell her, and asks 'are you sad it's your last day?' she remembers it's my last day. i tell her yeah, i am. then later, i'm standing there, with one foot up on the bag dispenser, my arm resting across my leg, just staring off into space. im not really sad or depressed, i just happen to be zoned out. i do that a lot. only christine is passing by, and i guess she thinks i'm sad, becuase she pats me on the back a few times, and says 'it'll be ok, loser.' time #5. it makes my back feel good and the rest of me hurt. i want a hug. i'm not some horny maniac. i don't want sex or even kissing. i just want a hug. is that too much to ask? i can't even remember the last time i've had a hug. i'd take a hug from jim at this point. i feel small. i want someone to hold me and say that over and over again. 'it'll be ok, loser.' and maybe after a while, i'll start to believe it.

marie works and says nothing to me the whole time. marie is only nice to me when i'm upset. i don't get it.

i took my break outside today, becuase jim had just finished his break and brian was watching him like a hawk. they had a lot of stuff to get done, i guess. and i figured there was a better chance i'd see christine that way. i went back to the back of the store before i clocked back in though, and jim talked to me a little, and asked how it feels to be my last day, and all that stuff. christine didn't go on break until marie did, becuase marie wanted to know some story that christine knew. i don't really know exactly, but it made me sad. everything makes me sad.

then i went up to the service desk for something, and christine asked if i was going to mail jim over summer. i figure it's a coincidence that she's asking me this and he gave me his email yesterday. so i tell her that he gave it to me, and she says yeah, she knows. i say 'i don't think so,' and i am taken aback-how does she know that? i sure didn't tell her. and he just gave it to me yesterday! i have to go back to my customer, so like a half hour later, i go back up there and say 'how did you know that?' of course, this is my one-track mind again, and she just stares at me and asks 'know what?' when i tell her, she explains that yesterday, after i took my break with him, he was up at the service desk talking to her and jane about it. he was saying how he thought i liked him. he was so excited talking about it too, saying 'i said this and she smiled' and 'i did this and she said this, and i really think she does like me!' i put my hands over my face and exclaim 'doah i said a bad thing the movie he was so sad so i just said we'll see it in the fall and he got all happy and smiley and that was uh-oh bad bad.' this was a fairly animated explanation, and it made teena laugh and christine crack up. it's been a while since i've made christine laugh like that. it used to bother me that i made christine laugh so much, but the past few weeks, i haven't, and i missed it. when she's not laughing at me, i feel like she's not enjoying my company becuase i know she has better friends she'd rather talk to. like when i was back there doing cigarettes, i could have stayed back there all night and then some, just being with her, but i know she wasn't enjoying herself. she probably wished i was terrie or jane or marie. but i know she likes to laugh. i'm not her friend. i have no other spot in her life, so if my choice is to make her laugh or to be nothing, i'm absolutely fine with making her laugh. marie is turning in her drawer for the night while christine and teena are laughing at me, and i feel oddly smug about that. i don't know why.

jeff bags for me a little and we joke around like always. when he leaves, he doesn't even say bye to me, and he knows it's my last day. that's ok though. i don't really mind. it's just jeff. i like jeff, but it's ok. you don't expect a bye from him. he's said before that he'll miss me and he probably will and that's probably all the seriousness you can expect to get out of him.

then it's a little after 10, which is when jim gets off. he comes up front and is talking to the policeman. i go up to the service desk for something again, and christine says 'look, i think someone's waiting for you,' and motions towards jim. i get scared and say 'no, really?' and she laughs at me again. and then i hear what he's saying, and i get even more worried. he's saying to the policeman 'yeah, did you know it was her last day?' i'm pretty sure that i'm the only one here who's last day it is. i go a little insane and half-whisper frantically 'he's TALKING about me!' the 'talking' comes out with a bit of a british accent. the whole sentance comes out really strangely, actually. christine cracks up, like the kind that makes her double over. i go back to my register and she goes over to the other side and tells teena what i just said and teena cracks up and then calls 'hi loser!' and waves to me. i look over there and grin and wave. they laugh. later, christine comes by my register and says 'he's still there, loser... i wouldn't be surprised if he waits til you leave...' i put my hands up and cry 'nooooo...' and she just laughs. at about 10:30, he finally leaves the policeman, and goes over to the service desk. the second he starts talking to teena and christine, teena calls out 'hi loser!' and waves at me again. christine and i both crack up and jim just looks around in confusion. the poor guy doesn't know that he's been our source of conversation and amusement for the past hour. nobody tells him either. i go back to my customer, still laughing. then my line is empty, and jim comes over. he says 'well i guess this is the last time i'll see you til fall.' i face him. bad plan. he is facing me, away from the service desk. the service desk is right behind him. teena is watching us and doing this little dance. it makes me smile and whatever jim's saying isn't worthy of a smile this big. christine sees teena's cheesy dance, my smile, and cracks up. seeing her trying to keep her laughter quiet so jim won't turn around, i can't even contain myself any more and i just bust up. i turn away from jim, in the hopes that he won't notice my laughter. i regain my composure and turn back to him, and he just looks at me like i've absolutely lost my mind. we continue our conversation for about 30 more seconds, and i make the mistake of looking up again. christine and teena are both watching, and teena has her hand cupped to her ear, with this hilarious look on her face. i bite my lip and concentrate on keeping a straight face, and christine sees this and starts laughing and that does it to me again. this time, he just said something almost laugh-worthy, so i pretend to be laughing at what he said, and he doesn't notice. i must be really stupid though, becuase a few seconds later, i look up again, and teena and christine are both pointing at me and laughing, and i crack up and turn away again. poor jim... i manage to not look up for the rest of the conversation, so i don't laugh again. he tells me to have a good summer, and says he'll see me in the fall. i tell him i'll probably be back a few times this summer, and maybe i'll see him then. then i get a customer, so he says bye and i say bye, and he leaves. the customer has like one thing and i wander up to the service desk when i'm done, to scold them for making me laugh but before i even get up there, they start laughing again. they're all like 'so did he say bye to you?' and 'how's the budding romance?' and 'we can say we witnessed the first conversation in this young love,' and i protest to that one vehemently 'no love!' they laugh. christine asks why i don't like him. they're still feeling silly, so i kinda shrug and instead of pressing it, they start making all these goofy suggestions 'is it becuase he has a hairy back?' i tell them i wouldn't know, and christine makes a 'purrrrrrr' noise rolling her r and says sure you wouldn't. i'm all 'no no no!' and she laughs 'i'm just kidding, loser.' then they get even worse and teena asks 'becuase of his habit of wearing girls clothing?' and we just laugh.

later, i'm up there and everyone has calmed down a little, and teena asks if i'm going to miss this place. i say yeah. she asks 'who are you going to miss the most.' that's a no-brainer, but i don't want to say it. i don't know what to say. i can't pick a person, becuase if i could never say anyone but christine, and i can't say christine becuase i don't know if that's normal. i stammer 'no computers.' they both look at me crazy and i try to explain how i don't want to spend all summer in one place in front of a computer doing boring engineering. this is true, but they're really two entirely different concepts, which i mix at my convenience. i don't want to have an internship. i'm going to miss here. they're 2 separate things. but i can't talk about why i'm going to miss here (since it's mostly christine), so anytime people ask about missing here, i mix it up and talk about why i don't want to go home. teena says 'i know you'll miss me the most becuase i'm funny.' i shrug and say agreeably 'ok,' and head back to my register.

helen needs some change so i go up to get it for her becuase she has a customer and i don't. a new song comes on over the speaker. like the first note plays, and christine exclaims 'that's my girl!' and teena says yeeeah. it takes me a few moments to realize they're referring to the singer, whitney houston. guess i'm slow. it's that song, i will always love you. christine has me follow her around the front end, checking drawers for change, and she sings along here and there. i follow behind her, smelling the trail she leaves, and listening to the song. this song is sad. i've always thought it was sad. i now think it is 100 times sadder. i got home and made a playlist of only this song. it is playing over and over and i just want to cry. this is christine's song. i will always love you. my song. mine.

later, they have me get the trash from the service desk. the baggers already got it fron everywhere but the office, so when i'm done, they want me to take it back to the dumpster. they leave the door ajar so i can get in. i go in, get the trash can, bring it out, dump it in, and on my way in to put the trash can back in there, i accidentally shut the door. i say 'oops, i locked myself in.' christine jokes 'well you know we're never going to unlock that for you.' then she asks 'why don't you like jim like that?'
god, what is with that question?!?!? it puts me on edge. every time they ask it, i wonder if they know. i ask 'does there have to be a reason?'
christine says 'no, i was just wondering if maybe there was something about him that turned you off or something.'
i don't want her to think that. i don't want anyone to think that there's anything about jim i don't like, becuase i'm scared it would get back to him. then he would feel like it was his fault, and if he just changed this or that, i would like him. he's a great guy and i don't want him to ever change anything just because he thinks it's going to improve his chances with me. so i quickly say 'no, no, it's nothing like that.'
christine asks 'there's nothing about him you don't like?'
i tell her 'no, nothing.'
teena asks 'then is it something about you?'
i get scared. this is closer to the truth than i ever planned on getting. i don't know if that's the only logical conclusion they could draw from me telling them it was nothing about him, but i have had enough of this conversation. i mumble 'noidontknowdontknowtrashnow,' scramble over the door to get out becuase i don't want to wait here long enough to get a key, grab the trash cart, and head to the back. why am i such an idiot? i hope they don't know.

i get back up front and i need cigarettes so i go up there with my hands in the air like always and christine laughs and says 'i knew you were remembering a hard one,' after i tell her. i blush and say sorry and she laughs and says 'i'm going to miss you, loser.' i want to say i'll miss her too. i want to say it so much. it's right there, and i try to say it, but end up mumbling 'i'm going to miss it too.' not you, but it. and it wasn't hardly audible anyway. i want to hit myself. i want to kick something. why can't i talk? why can't i just say it? i will miss her. god, i'll even miss teena! it's not something to be ashamed of, and it's not giving anything away. i'm just afraid becuase i know that statement has a lot more meaning to me than it does to her. but she doesn't know that. why can't i just say it? why do i have to be so 7???? people talk to me, but i don't talk back. we don't have conversations. they tell me stuff, or ask me stuff, and i answer. i want to be old. i want to ask them questions back. i want to be able to carry on a conversation with somebody other than jim. i want to be able to say 'i'll miss you' when i will.

then it's time for me to go. i have never said called christine by her name. i think this is strange. i call everyone else by their names, but somehow christine's is just sacred. i'll say to jeff 'christine did blah,' or to molly 'christine said blah.' i talk about her all the time, to anyone who will listen, but i never call her by her name to her face. i'm afraid i'll mess up. what if i said it wrong, and she got mad at me? i don't know, that's not really why. i don't know why it is, i just know that i'm scared to call her christine. this bothers me. so all day, i had been trying to convince myself to call her christine. i couldn't find a good time, or when i did, i wimped out. so it's time for me to leave, and i make myself do it. instead of walking over there and saying 'hey' to get her attention, like i've been doing for over 6 months now, i call 'hey christine, can i close off?' she looks up, checks the time, and says yeah, and goes back to what she was doing. and that's it. inside me, everything is going insane, and she doesn't know the difference. she doesn't realize what a big mental hurdle i've just overcome. how can she not notice that i've never said her name? don't you think you would notice that? but i said it, and that's what counts.

i go to clock out at the same time as her and teena do. christine tells me to have a good summer. i want to respond normally. i want to say you too. i can't do it. i can't talk. i can't remember the words. so i wrinkle up my nose, indicating how much i plan on enjoying my summer. christine laughs and says it won't be that bad and i say it will becuase i'm stupid, and teena says 'yeah you are.' i know she's just joking, but i suppose i sometimes have trouble telling, and christine's a little too concerned about my self-esteem, and she tells teena 'don't say that, she'll think you mean it.' and turns to me and says 'you're not stupid, loser.' i feel 7. i clock out and head upstairs and she's heading back out to the floor because night crew just went on break, and tyrone's out there. but she says 'i'll miss you.' there are all these words running around in my head. i want to say i'll miss you too. i want to say have a good summer. i want to say see you in the fall. what comes out, though, is 'bye.' and that's it. i go upstairs and when i'm sure i'm alone in the break room, i kick the wall hard. i want to be normal! i fucking hate myself. i grab my paycheck and a few boxes from back there to pack with. i have to walk by christine and tyrone on my way out. i half-wave to her and say bye again, but she doesn't even notice becuase she's so busy talking to him. it hurts so bad. i get out to the parking lot and i want to scream and kick things and hit things and i can't. instead, i put the box closer to my face, and bite the cardboard hard. i can't stand it. god, it was such a good fucking day. we talked and laughed and had fun more than practically ever before. and she said she'd miss me and i think she means it. but i fuck it up. i can't even say 'i'll miss you too.' why is that so fucking hard? why is it so fucking important? what difference does it make? why should i care so much whether she thinks i'll miss her or not? i am so mad that i bite the box again and wind up with a mouthful of cardboard. i spit it out and laugh at myself until i cry. i am the strangest person i have ever met. i am so upset that i am eating cardboard? come on loser, that is just weird.

then i come back here and sit and put on whitney houston and i have heard nothing but that one song for the last 4 hours. it must be 50 times i've heard it now, and it still makes me just as sad.

i think cindy is coming to columbus in a week, to visit abby. i told her i might go too. my last paycheck will be in, and i can stop in and get it. christine works that day. i feel like i should wait longer. i think i will come back to visit more than once this summer. after all, nikki and molly and lauren and katie are all going to be here. but i only have 1 excuse to go to big bear-my paycheck. once i get it, i would feel dumb going there any more in the summer. i want to wait, so i can get a christine fix closer to halfway through, and so she's had time to really miss me, and maybe she'd be glad to see me. absence makes the heart grow fonder in almost all cases, but 1 week is not an absence. but if i don't go this thursday, i have no guarantee that christine will even be there. yeah, she works a lot, but she's not always there... and i would never forgive myself if i put it off til later and then missed her entirely. so i'll probably go next week.

when i get home, i'm going to go up to kroger and see what's going on. depending on the looks of things, i might try to get some weekends in there. i need something to get my mind off of christine, and if i'm not coming out of the closet, then it pretty much has to be another straight girl, so it may as well be holly. last time i was home, she was acting kind of weird though, so if something's strange there, i think i'm going to check out the giant eagle in the other direction. there is nothing like working at a grocery store to help you meet hot straight girls. and even though most my friends won't be around, cindy will be there, so i won't be a complete loner. and maybe the internship will turn out better than i'm thinking. i sure hope so. god, if it's as bad as i'm thinking, this is going to be the longest 3 months of my life.

i'm also going to work on my parents' internet thing. i think they might have internet explorer installed somewhere, and the thing isn't installed on that. i figure i'll have more luck finding interenet explorer than figuring out the password. so maybe i won't be able to feed my addiction with long updates every night, but hopefully i'll be able to get on every once in a while.

i have to pack. i really do. i am moving out in 6 hours and i need to sleep sometime. i think that is wishful thinking. i don't think i'm sleeping tonight. i can't even make myself pack. i miss christine already.

'and i will always love you'
i'm going to cry.

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