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christmas eve
stupidfool
i worked. it was insanely busy, but i think they learned from their thanksgiving mistakes (which luckily, i didn't have to witness). on thanksgiving, we closed at 5 and they scheduled the last cashiers to be off work at 5. this time, we closed at 6, but they scheduled 3 cashiers and 4 office people to stay until 6:30. good plan. also, they scheduled enough cashiers to keep all the registers open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. i was there until 6:30, as a cashier, closing the u-scan. marie-wise, it sucked, but overall, it was ok. i'd never been in that store when it was closed, and i (being the dork that i am), thought it was really neat! around 6:40, i walked out with jane, michelle, ann, and marie, and we locked the doors behind us! when you work in a 24-hour store, that never happens!

on the way home from columbus, i was tired. i kept myself awake by thinking out loud...

terrie worked with me that day, and i was standing by the low door. terrie was on the other side of the door, and marie was at the counter, waiting on some young guy. marie was getting her flirt on with this guy, and being all giggly and dumb. i was just watching, wondering what she saw in that guy that she wouldn't rather get from a girl. when the guy left, marie wandered over towards me and terrie, and terrie shook her head at marie, and asked, 'you know, i just don't understand. how can you find guys attractive? they're just so... guy-ish. i can't even think about them in that light! it's disgusting!'

sometimes i think terrie is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. terrie makes me feel normal. i know that even if i was out of the closet, i would probably not be as blunt as she is... but i'm glad she's blunt. i'm glad she's completely candid, because it makes me feel so much less alone. sure, christine was bi. in theory, marie is bi, too. but talk to them, and they're only open about the guy-liking part. maybe to selected people, christine would talk quietly about how her girlfriend was coming to visit her, and she was excited... but then she'd turn around and announce to the world that allen iverson is hot, or that she wants to pinch j.p.'s ass. and marie is even worse. when it's just me and her, laying in my bed, she admits to having a crush on christine... but that's the only thing i've ever heard her say about liking a girl. in public, she's all about boys, boys, and more boys. it almost gives the impression that the guy-liking part of them is ok, and it's something to be proud of, but the girl-liking part is something to hide... it's something to be ashamed of...
and if i was around that enough, maybe i'd start to believe that that's how it works. luckily for me, between all marie's talk of hot boys, there's terrie, announcing that she's going upstairs to stare at jacqui's titties, or talking about her girlfriend, or wondering why the best girls have to be so straight, or commenting on the hot girls in a magazine. terrie is like the voice for all the thoughts i'm ashamed of having... and the more she speaks, the less ashamed i am.
i'm not even out of the closet to terrie. i've never talked to her about liking girls, or telling my friends i'm gay... but still, i feel like she's my lesbian big sister, or my mentor. i'm learning about being a lesbian from her... and all she has to do is be herself. it's hard for me to express just how grateful i am that she's not afraid to do that.

but then i feel bad. i shouldn't think that terrie is so great. you know who's better? marie is better. maybe marie is the best thing that's ever happened to me... sure, terrie is willing to be herself, but marie wants to help me to be myself, and that's what i really need. marie is my friend. she's not pressuring me to do anything major, like come out to the world, or start talking like terrie, but she's holding my hand and helping me to take a baby step at a time... she'll make me talk about it, even when i don't want to, but when i start to get too uncomfortable, she lets me change the subject. and when we're alone, marie holds me close and makes all my problems seem insignificant. she's helping me, gay-wise, and she makes me feel loved.

i feel bad again. i probably only like marie because i like the way my body feels in her arms, and because she's a good kisser. you know who's really great? christine is really great. christine could be the best thing that's ever happened to me. christine was the first person who cared about the real me. when i talked, christine listened. even when i didn't talk, she still listened, to the words i didn't say. she always knew what to say, and her words have made a huge difference in my life. she was the first person to know that i was gay. and unlike marie, who cares about me when it's convenient, christine actually wanted to help me, all the time. she sat outside with me, in the cold, for an hour, just talking me through it. christine got the ball rolling. she outted me to jim, and she told me marie was bi. if it wasn't for christine, i wouldn't be out of the closet at all, to anybody.

awww, but i probably just think that because christine is my favorite person in the whole world. jim probably should be the greatest thing that ever happened to me. if it wasn't for him, and his silly little crush on me, i would have never come out to christine in the first place. i would have never known that marie was bi, and i would have never found out that terrie was a lesbian, either. but hey, i'm a lesbian! how can i bypass three beautiful girls and call jim the greatest?

forget that. i can't choose just one. this job is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. it gave me jim, christine, marie, and terrie. it provided me with the chance to come out of the closet, with my first kiss, and with the opportunity to see that being gay is not so bad. without it, i would still be deep in my closet, trying to run away from myself. with the help of this job, i've come a long way... and i've still got a long way to go. i guess that's a good topic for the trip back to school...

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it provided me with the chance to come out of the closet, with my first kiss, and with the opportunity to see that being gay is not so bad.

Was this first kiss the "slobbering dog" incident? I haven't gotten up to that in chronology yet...I'm probably almost there, but I already read it in the memories. So now I'm like literally the only person on earth who has reached such an advanced ripe old age without a first kiss I guess...but you know, now I feel totally okay with that, because I don't really like dogs. Or slobber. So I think I'm fine keeping my mouth slobber-free. Okay, so now I'm just having fun typing the word "slobber." slobber slobber slobber....

slobber, slobber, slobber...

hehe yeah, the first kiss was the 'slobbering dog incident,' which was rather startling. so was the second kiss, and the third. but by the time we got around to the 7th or 8th or so, it was much better... so i guess when i'm counting my blessings, i should list:
coming out of the closet, my 7th kiss, and seeing that being gay isn't so bad.
but then people would wonder why seven? why not 6, or 8?
and maybe that would be a very good question... in theory, i might act like a 6 or 8-year-old somedays, and sometimes i'm so mature that you might even mistake me for 10... but i always say 7. i think i'm obsessed with 7. perhaps i should start to use the number 8 more often...

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