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stupidfool
i was just thinking about something a little weird... if i died, and you were in my journal, would you want to read what i had to say about you? like, if you were terrie, would you want to know how highly i thought of you? (and that i was terrified of you when i thought you knew i was gay?) if you were christine, would you want to know how much i liked you? if you were rashid, would you want to know how much fun i had with you?

see, i always want to know what other people think about me. i drive myself crazy, trying to get inside their heads. if marie was keeping a journal, i would want to read what she thought about me... maybe i'm full of myself, but i also think it would be cool to read jim's journal, if he had kept one during the period that he wanted to date me. i just like to know what people are thinking about me, especially if it's a good thing.

so i was thinking that if i died, i could leave the password to my journal somewhere, and some good person could grant access to it, as they saw fit.

i guess this is silly, because i probably won't be dying anytime soon. and by the time i'm 90 years old, will an 88-year-old rashid really care what i thought of him when i was 21? i wish i could read marie's journal, right now. do you know how cool it would be if my friends list included terrie, marie, jane, rashid, malik, amit, alana, lauren, extra, and all those people?
i like my lj friends. and some of them have been around so long that i feel like i know their friends, and when they mention people in their entries, it conjures up memories of a million other entries about that person, and pictures that they've shown me of that person... but it's not the same as being inside the heads of the people that you see every day... i wish it was a rule that everybody who knows me had to have a livejournal, and they had to write in it at least once a week.

and that's enough strange thoughts. i need to go do the dishes.

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if you were terrie, would you want to know how highly i thought of you? (and that i was terrified of you when i thought you knew i was gay?) if you were christine, would you want to know how much i liked you? if you were rashid, would you want to know how much fun i had with you?

I'm sure they would want to know all those things even if you didn't die, the thing is just that you're not about to tell them...

One time, way back when I had my old journal, I went through this phase when I thought it was fairly likely that I would die soon (I don't remember the exact reason anymore, but I've always been a hypochondriac, and there was some situation reason which was fairly logical to me at the time, I just don't remember exactly what). In any case, I made complete preparations, which consisted of three things. The first was purely journal stuff - I told the stalker girl (who I was still on fairly good terms with at the time) to tell the few other journal friends I had thanks and all that. The second thing was real-life related - I wrote a letter and put it in a sealed envelope in my room, thanking all the people in real life that I needed to thank, and apologizing to people I thought I should apologize to. And the third was in essence tying the first two together. There weren't really people in real life that I wrote about in the journal who I thought deserved to see it, but I thought my parents might as well see it if they wanted to, so I put in stalker girl's email and said to email her for the journal name if they wanted to.

But then, I didn't die right away, and things in the letter kept changing. So I kept having to open it, change things, and put it back. Pretty soon I realized that I wasn't going to want to keep changing it my whole life, so I threw it away.

i wish it was a rule that everybody who knows me had to have a livejournal, and they had to write in it at least once a week.

You know, I was thinking about this the other day...how it just seems hard to deal with people in real-life interactions after you get used to LJ and just knowing all of people's innermost thoughts all the time. Sometimes I just want to go up to people in real life and be like "how am I supposed to get to know you if you don't tell me your innermost thoughts? Don't just stand there, come on, talk!!!" I feel like I'm always frustrated at people because they don't reveal enough, but maybe I've just gotten used to expecting too much after reading all the LJs! It's kind of a strange situation if you think about it...

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