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if you don't already realize that i'm crazy, don't read this.
stupidfool
so on the drive here from school, i was thinking about my life as a movie. this is something i do every now and then, because i think it's sort of helpful. it's a movie with a happy ending, and in the end, i am out of the closet, and i have a job that i like, and i'm happy. the movie ends then because it would be boring if it kept going on. and my entire goal is for my life to turn into a boring movie, because it will mean that i'm finally where i want to be. but until then, i'm just making the movie. obstacles arise, and i try to get around them. when one method doesn't work, i try another, and my goal is always to get to the happy ending, any way i can. it's not that i think anybody would actually watch a movie about my life... but it helps me to realize when i'm spending too much time on one thing, and when i need to move on, and when i'm wasting my time.

over the 2nd holly summer (the good one), i was thinking about coming out of the closet, as it related to my movie. and i realized that the audience would probably be getting pretty sick of it by now. to me, the internal struggle was real, and it was there, every day. what do i say? who do i tell? when do i tell them? what will they think? but to an audience, it's just the same thing, over and over. if i'm not getting anywhere by thinking about this so much, then i need to try something else, like actually doing something, instead of just thinking. it would keep the audience entertained, and it would keep me moving. and it's ok to move in the wrong direction, because eventually, you'll realize that you made a wrong turn, and you can go back and try again. and maybe you'll learn something, on the way. or maybe something will happen that will end up playing an important part of making your happy ending, even if it wasn't the most direct route. in the entertainment business, moving is always better than standing still.
and sometimes i look back on things, like that holly summer, and i realize that when the movie gets made, that won't even make the final cut. that summer, especially that last month, when i was used to the internship, and i was hanging out with holly regularly, was the one of the best times of my life... but in the overall scheme of things, it was insignificant. it didn't help me towards my happy ending, not even indirectly. jim's crush on me would make the final cut, because indirectly, it was what got me out of the closet to christine, which is what got me out of the closet to jim, and getting used to being out of the closet to them was definitely a step towards the happy ending. but holly was not.
when christine got fired and i went crazy, it was probably good viewing, at first. but after a while, i knew the audience was ready for me to get over it and move on.
usually, this movie-thinking ends up being more frustrating than helpful. i spent way too long stuck on christine. thinking about my movie helped me to realize that, but it didn't help me to move on. it just served to frustrate me. and it's frustrating to realize that my movie is ready for me to come out of the closet, and i'm still not doing it. and it's frustrating to think that that entire summer was a waste. but i think about it anyway, because i want to put things in perspective, even if it's not what i want to see.
(i do think that the way i feel about christine now is ok. i'm not obsessed. my life goes on. i'm still doing things and going places without her... the occasional thought of her just reminds the audience that i'm still the same person that i've always been, and that i still care about her.
as for stalking her at fridays... well, the audience is undecided on that one. in a way, it feels like it would be moving backwards... but it's also possible that i just need somebody from my past to propel me into the future.)

so anyway, on the trip home, i was thinking about marie, and how my audience felt about her. and i realized that marie is getting pretty old, too. to me, being inside it, it's real. that rush of raw emotions hits every time i see her, and the confusion is still overwhelming, no matter how many times i've felt it before. to an audience, the drama is interesting... the first few times. but by now, it all looks the same to them. she's nice to me, i love her, she hurts me, i love her anyway, i leave her side for a moment, and i realize that i hate myself for the way i am around her, but keep on liking her. nothing ever changes, and the audience is ready for a change.

this frustrated me, like my movie always does. because once again, my movie is ready to move on, and i'm not. but then i started thinking, and i realized that right now, as i think about this, i'm playing the part of the audience. as an audience member, i'm ready for myself to move on. it's just that as a participant, i'm scared to move, and i want to forget about my audience, and just stand still for a while. i always let the participant half win, because after all, she's the one who has to deal with the consequences of moving on... whenever i think about what i want, i'm always thinking about what the participant half of me wants. but isn't the audience half of me real, too? maybe i should spend more time trying to keep my audience happy, and less time worrying about what my participant is scared of.

so participant-me takes some time to discuss it with audience-me.
audience-me volunteers her views. i think that marie is a bully. i'm tired of watching marie push you around. i'm sick of seeing her hurt you, mentally and physically.
but don't you ever have those days where everything goes wrong? your parents are mad at you, and your classes are kicking your ass, and customers yell at you for every little thing, and you just feel like the world is against you. everything seems so straight, and you're way too crooked to fit in. and all you want is for somebody to hold you tight, and stroke your hair, and whisper that they love you, and kiss your forehead, and promise you that it will be ok. marie will do that for me. she is the only person who will do that for me, and no matter what else comes with it, i can't let go of that.
i'm not asking you to let go of that. i want to see you being comforted when you need it just as badly as you want to feel comforted. i just want you to stop letting her push you around.
i get upset when it's worded that way. if somebody's pushing you around, are you automatically letting them do it? i don't feel like i have much of a choice in the matter. sure, sometimes i'm just asking for it, like when i squirt her... but other times, i'm minding my own business. allen iverson is in my pocket, and i'm just counting tills, and the next thing i know, she's stealing him. or we're just messing around, and all of a sudden, she decides she wants to choke me. how can i stop that? it's just like my brother. i either let him push me around with his words, and i do everything he tells me to do, or i stand up to him and say no, and he physically hurts me. when somebody wants to push you around, and they're stronger than you, you don't really have a choice. one way or the other, you're going to get pushed around. the only answer i see is for me to work out and get fat, until i've gained 50 pounds and can fight back. but to me, that doesn't seem like much of a solution.
there is a big difference between marie and your brother. let me re-play something for you, from my perspective, ok?
marie pinches your hand and makes you bleed. you put on a fake sad face and look to her for sympathy. when she gives you none, you just smile and play-threaten her with a spray bottle. she tells you that if you squirt her, she'll beat you up. you squirt her. she hurts your stomach and she chokes you. she puts on a great show, and when she's done, you get up and again, go straight to her for sympathy. to marie, you're telling her to beat you up. she draws blood, and you don't even get upset. she promises to beat you up if you squirt her, and you squirt her. she beats you up, and when she's done, you're right back at her side, talking to her like you're not bothered. i'm not saying marie is perfect, by any means, but can you really pin the blame entirely on her, for assuming that there's nothing wrong with what she's doing? you're giving her no reason to stop beating you up.
yeah, you had no choice at first. she decided that she wanted to pinch your skin and, being the weakling that you are, you couldn't avoid that. but you had a choice in how you reacted to it. if your brother pinched your hand and drew blood, would you grin and bear it, like you do with marie?

no, i would get mad at him. but i like marie so much that it's impossible for me to get mad at her.
if i'm watching this movie, then you must be an actress in it. act like you don't want her sympathy. act like it bothers you. if she tries to offer sympathy, give her the cold shoulder. if she has half a heart, and you consistently act upset or mad when she inflicts pain on you, i bet she'll stop. there are plenty of other people who are weaker than marie, and she doesn't hurt them. most likely, she only hurts you because you let her, and if you stop letting her, there's a chance this could work out. she seems to want what's best for you... she talks to molly for you, and she encourages you to come out of the closet. when you're upset, she cares about what's bothering you, and she honestly wants to listen. you just have give her a reason to stop hurting you.

audience-me is right, i think. she usually is. it's just really hard to remember that when participant-me is participating. i need to spend more time in touch with my audience. some people go through life constantly asking themselves, 'what would jesus do?' i need to go through life asking myself, 'what would your audience want?' because in the end, i just want what the audience wants... a happy ending.

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*CLAPS*
Goood, good good, that's so good! I think I really like you now!

don't like me yet... i haven't done anything good. real life messes stuff up, so you have to wait to like me, to see if i actually do what i mean to do.

Hey, no worries...it's the thought that counts. God knows I never do what I mean to do, so if I followed that method I would have nothing at all to like myself about, and that would be sad. It just bothered me when I thought you thought there was nothing wrong with the marie situation...but as long as you realize it's pretty whacked out, that's a start. Of course actually doing is the best, but I'm not going to withhold my liking for that. Besides, I don't really think you can "wait to like someone," can you? I guess you can vary between liking and not liking them, but I don't know if you really control that...

hehe... no, you definitely can't wait to like someone. i've tried... sometimes i forget to think before i type :-)

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