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monday (the first half)
stupidfool
yesterday was monday. i woke up late, but i made it to my first class in time to turn in the homework. my 2nd and 3rd classes are in the same classroom. alana is in the 3rd, and in the 2nd, she is right next door. i was afraid that if i went to the 2nd, even if i skipped the 3rd, i wouldn't be able to avoid alana. and right now, i still wanted to avoid her. my plan was to send out some e-mails first, and then log back online, and do things electronically, where i could write, instead of talk, before i actually came face-to-face with anybody. i had homework due in my 4th class that i hadn't finished, anyway. so i went to the computer lab.

i finished my homework pretty quickly, so i logged onto lj to keep writing about it. somehow, i felt like if i could just get through everything that happened, i would feel better about it. i noticed that i had a comment from mike. i read it, and then i re-read the older comments from jay and t4, and then i read the e-mail from marie, and somehow, things felt ok. people are nice to me, and i'm not crying. that's got to be a good thing... and they're right. i am going to be ok. it will get better.

i went to my 4th class to turn in the homework, but matt is in that class, and he's friends with alana and extra, so i didn't really want to see him. besides, i had a lot of stuff to do (and think about) before my parents called later this evening. so i gave my homework to jack, to turn in for me, and then i left.

on my way home from classes, i stopped in at udf and quit. i told her that i had messed up, and i had to quit. and that even if i fixed this, i just wanted to have some free time, to have fun, and to be a normal college kid. i told her i'd be there on tuesday, and if she really wanted me to finish out my 2 weeks, i'd do that too, but after that was up, i had to go. she said she understood, and arlene agreed. they said they would miss me, and they'd stop in at kroger to see me, but they understood where i was coming from, and they didn't blame me at all. they said these are the best years of my life, and i should make sure that i have time to enjoy them.

i came home and wrote some more in my lj, about everything that had happened. then i went to kroger, because on saturday, marie had given me her application (for the apartment), and i had forgotten to take it with me. i was hoping to turn it in tuesday morning. when i went in there, alyssa stopped me. she said there was a lady looking for me, and she could have sworn that the lady said she was my mom. she described her to me, and it sounded like my mom, except for that the lady had her arm in a sling, and as far as i know, my mom doesn't. but i haven't seen my mom in a long time. maybe she does... i got a little scared. i still didn't want to do the face-to-face thing, and if my mom was actually in columbus, i could only avoid her for so long... i got marie's application, and then i just stood there, in the middle of the front end. there was a part of me that wanted to stay in the break room for a while, to make sure that if my mom was here, she wasn't at my house any more. and maybe after that, i could sneak inside, and then not answer the door... but even while i was plotting, i knew that wasn't the right thing to do. if my mom was really here, i was going to have to face her eventually. so i got in my car, and i drove home.

i went upstairs and answered all the e-mails, except for alana. but in my reply to extra, i asked him if alana still checked her aol e-mail. i told my sister that she could tell people, if she wanted to, but to try to remember who she'd told, so at least i would have some idea of who might know, and who wouldn't. between brandy, nikki, my parents, and my sister, i really don't think i have much hope of keeping track of it, but right now, i'm still hoping that i can.

marie called from the phone at the u-scan. she wanted to know if my mom was here, and i said she wasn't. she asked if i was scared, and i said i was. she said, 'but you're not crying,' and i agreed. she said she was glad, because it makes her sad to hear me cry. she told me again that it would be ok, and then she had to go. she said she got off work at 8, and she'd call me then. she said she loved me, and she said, 'be brave, my little allen iverson-lover,' and i smiled and said i'd try. and then she said bye, and i hung up the phone without waiting for her to do it first.

i realize that i've still heard nothing from brandy or lauren. i'm not worried about brandy. whether she believes it or not, whether she cares or not, i will be ok. i think i only ever liked her because she was my link to holly. and now, if she tells holly and holly really is bi (like i sometimes think she is), then maybe holly will contact me. and if not, nothing will change. lauren... whatever. i'll be ok.

i go downstairs and do the dishes, because molly has done them the last 3 times, and no matter how many times i do them in a row before that instant, i still feel guilty when it seems, for any instant, that molly is doing them more than her fair share.

then i come back upstairs, start the next part in my lj, and wait for my dad's phone call...

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