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i think my mom just wants a straight daughter, after all...
stupidfool
i'll write a real entry in a minute. for now, i just had a conversation on instant messenger with my mother, and it's bothering me a little bit too much, so i'll share it with you...

blah blah blah, stuff about classes...
mom: i am praying for you, debbie - maybe right now, you think that is weird, but I am.
mom: but, right now, i'm going to bed because i have to get up at 5:45 to take jake to the high school
mom: i love you, bye
me: what?
mom: huh?
me: why are you praying for me?
mom: i want all my children to be happy, and i just don't have the feeling that you are
me: i'm getting there...
mom: so i'm praying for you
me: ummm... ok...
me: thanks
me: goodnight
mom: i also am ordering a booklet for you
me: what???
mom: which you may not like
me: what booklet?
me: a prayer booklet?
mom: it was in that religious magazine that you used to get a long time ago
mom: a booklet about homosexuality
mom: a different perspective
mom: than big campus classes
me: from a jesus point of view, how everybody can be healed or something?
mom: no, not healed
mom: i haven't gotten it yet
mom: so i don't know
me: it'll be one of those 'through counseling you can change' things, where they want you to spend your whole life unhappy, pretending to be something you're not
mom: i'll read it when it comes
mom: then you can read it

and then she changes the subject, and then she goes to bed...

i guess maybe she does think i'm unhappy. i mean, i did run away from everybody for an entire weekend, and since they wouldn't listen to me for long enough to hear the story behind that, maybe they think i ran away because i was unhappy...
it's just that i've been there, and i've done that. i've tried to change. and when i finally realized that i couldn't change, i spent a long time hating myself for being how i was, and wishing i could change, and thinking that i was supposed to be able to change... and i've finally given up on that. i'm finally accepting myself for who i am, and i'm doing a fairly good job of it. i run into trouble when i think about other people knowing, but within myself, i'm ok with being gay... and i don't want another program to put that doubt back into my mind. i don't want to hate myself any more. i'm easily influenced, my mom says, and she's right. if somebody shows me a convincing booklet, about how gays can turn straight, it'll plant that seed of doubt in my mind... i'll go through that struggle all over again... and i know how it will turn out. i know i can't be straight. so why should i have to go through that all over again? because my mom thinks i'm not happy?
i don't know. i just wonder if she's not really meaning, 'i want to be happy with what my children are doing with their lives, and right now, i'm not happy with you.'

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yeah, blah is right

blah

hm now i'll feel guilty because this is another one of those "let down" comments, lol

my name is sabbatical.

"j----- it's just not normal, it's not natural."

That was the first non supportive comment my mother said to me after I came out to her. She went on to tell me how it was not of God and how two women just were not meant to be. Her rationale was that I could love a woman as much as I wanted but to want her sexually.... unnatural, ungodly, anything but normal.

Hurts like a son of a bitch when your mom tells you that the one thing about you that you know you will never be able to change is unnaturla and ungodly. She didn't tell me she'd pray for me she told me to pray. She said if I went to God I would see that I was too young to be placing labels on myself.

There was a point when I tried to hide it from her and there was a point when I tried to appease her and listen to what she had to said.

You will go through enough shit now that you are out. The one thing you can never allow yourself to do is doubt yourself or who you are because it seems easier or more right for some one else.

Your parents are going to come up with some shit D. They are going to try plans of action, they are going to invent time frames, they might even start sitting you up on dates. Just try and be a little understanding and patient with them. Their reactions come from love and ignorance.

PS
And when she sends you teh pamphlet just throw it away or burn it like the old ladies in teh sixties burned their bras


~Jay~

i think i'd feel guilty throwing it away... maybe she won't send it to me. maybe i can change her mind...

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