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stupidfool
i don't know if i ever said what was going on with my parents and that e-mail.

t4 pointed out that i hadn't discussed it with my parents since the religious pamphlet conversation, so it might be best to warn them, before i just sent them a mile-long e-mail. so t4 and jay composed me a little warning paragraph, and i wrote my parents a nice e-mail, about classes, work, and my iron medicine. then i ended it with the warning paragraph, which said something like, 'i know we're unresolved on the issue, so i'm going to try to send you a more complete explanation, like maybe tomorrow.'

my mom and dad both replied, separately. my mom wrote the same number of paragraphs as i did. her first paragraph was a response to my first paragraph, her 2nd responded to my second, 3rd to my 3rd... and then her last paragraph discussed the kids in her class, and how only 7 kids turned in homework this monday. i guess it shouldn't surprise me, considering that this is the same woman who responds to 'i'm gay,' with 'get a good job.'
my dad said:
Yes, a more complete exlaination might help, but think it would do more good
to talk to you in person. I know this is hard for you (as well as us), but
I do love you and really want you to be happy. Also I believe being
successful is important to as it will enable you to not have to sweat the
small stuff resulting in your being happier. Again, we need to talk some
more. I wouldn't mind coming down sometime to eat with you and talk
for a bit (just ask your sister - will always travel as an excuse to eat good
food). But don't want to disturb your schedule or impose if you don't want
me. Any weekend or Fri off would be good (this Fri is off - I have every
other one off), but let me know what you think.

what is it with him and talking in person??? i know i say that i can't talk all the time, but you really can't understand it until you've met me... i really can't talk. especially when it's something important, i get lost in my sentences and i stammer and stutter and backtrack and jump forward... if you want to hear what i've got to say, you've got to be pretty patient, and my dad is definitely not... i can't talk! he can't listen! talking in person only results in really long lectures from him...

so i guess i'm sending the e-mail. i thought it would be easy to send, but it turns out that i'm having a little trouble... the gay thing is bad enough... and i'm telling him a lot more than just that, in this one e-mail. this is telling him about udf, about freshman year, about religion... all in one e-mail. that's a lot to hit them with at once... if they ever had a good reason to be mad at me, it's in this e-mail...

yes, i just clicked send. now what?

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Hi, my name is Samantha, I read your long e-mail on the lesbian lj community, and whoa... Although I haven't the same problem as you do with your parents (they seem very conservative but they're so accepting of most ideas considered "liberal") I have had definite trouble with nailing down who I am and accepting that. I share the problem (mentioned briefly at the end) of being very good at persuading myself that I am something/feel something that I am not/don't feel because of this huge desire to fit in, or more succinctly, to not be excluded. And I tend to let the pressure build up and up until I do something really really dangerous or stupid. Example1: Last year I walked away from home. I only got a few miles away, and it was only for ~8 hours, but it was a strange, trance-like experience. I can remember some of it, but my thinking at the time seems so cloudy, and I can't understand how worried other people were about me once they found out. Argh, I haven't even been able to write about it, so I can't really explain it.

Anyway, I'm interested to know what happened/will happen and wish you luck and courage. I may add you to my friends list and I hope you don't mind. I've had bad luck when it comes to telling people I don't know in real life that I want to add them to my lj friends list... apparently people who meet me online think I'm their either their future wife or a perverted psycho...

In the first parenthesis I was commenting on my parents, and in the second parenthesis I meant at the end of the long e-mail you resently sent. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

well i just went over to your journal, and so far, you don't seem like a perverted psycho. and i already have a future wife (just not a current one, or a girlfriend), so we should be ok on that, too. i'll add you to my friends list, and you can add me back, if you like, but just to warn you... i often have a lot to say (not quite as much as that very long e-mail to my parents, but a lot, nonetheless).

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