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my grades....
stupidfool
in high school, my lowest grade was an a. so far in college, my lowest grade has been a b-. this quarter, i thought i'd see how i'm coming... and the answer: wow. i'm going to set some new records, this quarter. here's a little breakdown, by the class:

class #1:
-homework average: 83%
-midterm: 86%
-overall grade: b

class #2:
-homework average: 48% (didn't turn in 1/2 assignments)
-midterm: 65%
-overall grade: d

class #3:
-homework average: 59% (didn't turn in 1/3 assignments)
-midterm: 70%
-overall grade: d

class #4:
-homework average: 69%
-midterm: 80%
-overall grade: c

a few remarks:
my highest grade (class #1) came in the class that i attend the least. i always sleep through all or most of that class. i think i've only been to the whole class about 3 times all quarter, and once was to take the midterm.
class #3 is the class i have with alana. we studied together for that midterm for 2 hours, and made part of a cheat sheet. then she studied for over 4 more hours, and finished with a cheat sheet that contained about 4 times as much information as mine did. i played with clay with marie. we took the midterm, and she got a 65%. compared to my 70%, it's not that bad... but i feel guilty, because i know she deserved the higher grade. every time we have classes together, though, i always score higher than she does, and about 90% of the time, she's the one who deserves the higher score.

you would think that seeing how poorly i'm doing would motivate me to work harder... but i think it's just motivating me to slack off worse. those grades are so amazingly bad that i don't even want to try to change them. i won't be able to get A's this quarter. i probably won't even manage a B average. and if i'm going to do poorly, i may as well do REALLY poorly. if i got B's and B-'s, and maybe a C or two, it would kind of blend in with the rest of the A's and B's on my transcript, and just make me seem a little worse. but if i earn straight D's, they'll stick out like a sore thumb. people will look and see 4 D's, in the middle of a bunch of A's and B's. then they'll realize that all 4 D's came in one quarter. and they'll write it off, like she had one bad quarter, but all the rest of her grades are fine. or at least, that's what i figure they'll think. mostly, i think i'm just not motivated. i've been feeling really lazy lately... i've always been somewhat lazy about school, but lately, i've just been feeling drained, when it comes to school, and work, and everything. i hardly ever do dishes. when i went back to udf, my work ethic was just not the same. at kroger, i find myself taking longer breaks, goofing off more, and literally napping on the job. and a year ago, i would be having a ball with all this snow! we have sleds, and i'd make snowmen... but now, i just lay in bed, staying warm and doing nothing.

i can think of 3 possible reasons for this laziness:
1) i'm growing up. i'm not a hyperactive maniac any more. i've been bouncing off walls my whole life, and now that i'm getting older, i'm finally turning normal. since i'm used to being supercharged, normal feels lazy. in this case, i need to figure out how to motivate myself.
2) i'm anemic. everybody says that drains your energy. i don't know why, but i'm hesitant to pin the change on a lack of iron. i feel like something has changed in my mind, not in my body. but maybe i'm wrong. i'm on my 2nd day of iron pills now, so if this is the problem, i guess i should start feeling more energetic soon.
3) i have a one-track mind, and right now, it's focused on gayness. i'm thinking about coming out of the closet, gay speed dating, going to the gay campus group, taking the lesbian class, and meeting other lesbians. my mind is so full of gay thoughts that i can't be bothered with classes or work or building snowmen... if this is the case, i'm not sure what the answer is. i either have to (a) be a lot more gay or (b) be a lot less gay. on one hand, if i'm so gay that i turn into terrie, being gay will be normal, and i won't think about it because liking girls will be as natural and normal as liking legos. on the other hand, if i lay off of the gayness for a bit, then it will free up my mind for things like school and work... i think i'll just keep taking my iron medicine, and hope that fixes it, so i don't have to choose between (a) and (b)...

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so uh, yeah, I'm not the most motivated in school right now either...but I'm tending to think Ds can't be that good. I think it would be worse if it stick out...i mean they would probably still think you had a bad semester if you had Cs, but Ds are kind of...bad.
And it's not like you'd actually have to do that much more work to do better, you would just have to turn in homework, right? It might be too late to fix it much now, but at least don't keep not turning stuff in...

i've decided to aim for Cs. this way, if i fall short by a little bit, i'll still pass. so i'm turning in my homework, but i'm not making too much of an effort to do it correctly. as long as i turn it in, i'll get partial credit and get the Cs. i just can't bring myself to care any more than that...

well...I can't say that makes me ecstatic, but I guess minimal caring is better than none...don't mean to rag on your or anything, but sometimes I just worry, you know?...
I sound like an annoying parent, don't I...

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