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every day is now a gay day
stupidfool
yesterday, teena asked, 'so, this gay club thing, you must be going for a reason, huh?'
i didn't respond. she asked, 'are you just curious, or are you full-fledged?'
i decided that i was going to stop running away, and being so stupid about this whole thing, and i was going to face the question. so i stood tall and looked her in the eye and opened my mouth to answer. and then i just kept staring at her, because the words wouldn't come out. i stared for an entire minute, and then she took an advil and said, 'for cramps.'
i asked, 'what?'
she said, 'don't play dumb, you know the question.'
i said, 'no, what you just said.'
'for cramps,' she repeated, 'but what about the first question?'
and then i hid behind the door. because i am hopeless.

she told me later, when i came out of hiding, that it didn't matter, and that she didn't think any less of me, either way. and then she asked, 'so are you ok with me knowing?'
i thought it was a funny question, because i didn't see that i had a whole lot of choice in the matter. i told her, 'i guess i'd better be, huh?'

jane called me on the intercom a separate time from the porch sentence. she said something about checking out-of-date pop tarts, but then she asked if i had fun last night, and i said no. she asked, 'do you feel like marie is forcing you to do things before you're ready?'
i wasn't sure. i really wasn't. i still have this theory that if somebody doesn't throw me in before i'm ready, i'll never be ready. i think marie thinks she's doing me a favor by forcing me into this stuff. and even if it doesn't feel like it now, i think eventually, it will turn out that this was good for me. so jane might be right, but i don't want to say yes, because then it sounds like a negative thing, and i'm not sure if it is... so i told her, 'well i don't know. i think maybe i'm just stupid.'
she told me, 'debbie, you're not stupid.'
'not stupid exactly. but funny. messed up. i don't know.'
i'm trying to do a refund for a customer while we're having this conversation, and i can hear ann trying to talk to jane in the background. jane asks me if i work tomorrow (which is now today), and i say yeah, i close. she does too, so she says, 'we'll talk about this tomorrow.'

tomorrow is today. i slept through both my classes (that's BAD! attendance counts!) and now i'm going to work, to close with jane. i want to talk to jane so much... i really really do. jane is the greatest straight person i've ever met, and she understands everything. and in my head, i've had a million practice conversations with her since yesterday. but i just have this fear that when we're closing, and she actually brings it up, instead of talking, i'm going to hide. if i don't have this conversation with her tonight, i swear, i will hate myself forever...

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well, at least you opened your mouth. that's a step...er...maybe... :-p
good luck w/ tonight

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