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stupidfool
i am losing it. ever since monday night, when i overdosed on gayness, i haven't felt quite right. i just feel really quiet, even when i'm talking. and i feel like i've been selected to keep a secret that nobody else can know, and it's big and powerful and taking me over, only i don't know what it is. i was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling avoiding my homework, and just thinking. everything was rushing through my mind, and i was just watching... seeing megan, the obsessed stalker, and jessi, who can only think of sex with her old girlfriend and sex with her new girlfriend and sex with random girls... watching marie, who wants to be wanted and needs to feel needed... sitting in the dark with christine, trying to let her voice erase my fears... talking to jane, my fingers deliberately punching numbers on the calculator, the need for a total the only thing keeping me from running away... terrie, playfully shoving her girlfriend... the evening at t4's when i finally woke up, and the world was all smiles, like the happy ending of a cheesy sitcom... the night i slept in marie's arms, when i was sure that we were perfect... i see boyish lesbians and feminine gay boys, rainbow flags and pride bumper stickers, gay clubs and bars... and then all of a sudden, it hit me. i know i am losing it because life is not supposed to make this much sense.
the only answer is that there is no answer. everybody knows and nobody cares and random strangers talk to me in the bathroom, just because i am part of 'the family.' tomorrow, i will wake up and be terrie, and so what? join a fucking softball team?
you spend all this time trying to reach a goal, sure that it's the answer, and when you get there, happiness will be yours... but i've arrived, and all that happened was that i decided this is not my destination any more. once you get there, it's never where you want to be. it's because you're looking for something that doesn't exist. there are no happy endings, and all you can do is realize that, and then pretend like you're in one, anyway. and if you're a good enough actress, maybe for an instant or two, you can fool yourself into thinking that you're happy, and that you've reached your destination, and in that moment, you've found the only answer you'll ever get.
i will always write about my life because there will always be a story to tell. there will be no ending, happy or otherwise. there will only be death, and then it's not good or bad, just over. and until it's over, i just have to forget about the past and the future and pretend that my happy ending is now. it's not an easy thing to do, when your entire illusion of reality has just been shattered.

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happy endings are for picture books. Nobody's life is a picture book but you can have your fairy tale. The catch I am learning is a lot more simple than most of us believe. It's like a book. A really good book. One chapter may end and you heart is bleeding and you are all caught up and you can't wait to get to the next chapter just so that you can heal and grow from the previous one. Then there are some chapters that end with a joke or a smile and the feeling is good and for a moment you are at peace and you coast easily into reading the next chapter.

Now together all these chapters make books and the books make a novel. The novel of your life. It's usually the best story out there (which is why LJ is so damn popular)it has drama and laughs and tears and anguish and confusion and poignant moments of true clarity. Your life can be a fairy tale if you live it in chapters at a time and stop trying to rush through the book.

Your view of reality isn't gone sweetie you have to just blink and clear your vision so that you can see it just exists inside of a larger picture. You don't need a happy ending sequesnce for the story to be just as great...


~Jay~

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