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stupidfool
i had this really good imaginary conversation with imaginary jane last night. i think i finally figured something out that i didn't know needed to be figured out until it had been.

see, marie is the kind of person who lives for 'right now.' this is why she got pregnant, and it's why she's cheated on every single person she's ever dated, even those that she supposedly loves. this 'right now' mentality is most obvious when you look at her sex life, but really, it's true for everything she does. she lies to get herself out of a mess that's happening 'right now,' without thinking about how that lie will affect her in the future. she goes to places she shouldn't go, and blurts out things she shouldn't say, because she never stops to look beyond what will make her happy 'right now.' this is, of course, a bad way to live. sometimes you need to stop and think about things, figure out where you're going and where you came from, and look at the big picture, to make sure that what you're doing right now will eventually lead to what you want to be doing later.

but i have the opposite problem. i almost never live in 'right now.' i spend my entire life inside my head, re-living the past and imagining myself a future. i spend so much time in the past and the future that i pay almost no attention to right now. here and there, i might convince myself to take a baby step, but overall, things stay the same because i won't move to change them. the only time my routine is disturbed is when it's something i can't control, like christine leaving, and even then, instead of changing what's happening 'right now' to get over it, i remember the past and imagine ways that i can see her in the future, to make things return to normal. this, too, is a bad way to live. sometimes, you have to stop thinking about doing things and just jump in and do them.

this is why marie is good for me. she's forcing me to live for 'right now.' she's forcing me to change my routine, to get out and do things, and once they've happened, i incorporate them into my thoughts, and things have changed. i need someone to take me by the hand and lead me through 'right now.' and then i need them to lead me out the other side, and sit down and talk about it with me, and not leave until it's been safely incorporated into my mind. and this needs to happen until this new and scary thing isn't new and scary any more. when it's become normal to me, then i won't need guidance, because it won't feel like making changes in my 'right now.' it will just feel like the same old routine.

the problem, though, is that marie doesn't do that. marie takes me by the hand, leads me into the middle of 'right now,' and then lets go. and i trip, and i fall, and i flounder, and when i finally make it out, i'm disturbed and traumatized and alone and scared. this is why marie is bad for me. she outs me to kelly (this is good), but then before i've had time to even begin to adjust to that, she's turning around and outting me to kinitra. or she drags me to a gay bar, and before i've even taken in all my surroundings, she's left me and she's hanging all over megan, and i'm standing in the middle of this strange new place, scared and alone.

this is how it's going to be. i see that. marie is not the type of person who could ever lead me through the entire thing. she's too much of a 'right now' person. if i sat down and explained this all to her, how i needed someone to be with me every step of the way, she would say that she would do it. because 'right now,' it would be just me and her, and she would want to be there for me. but then we would be in the middle of some gay bar, and megan would walk by her, smile, touch her, and say, 'come here,' and the 'right now' mentality would force her to abandon me. right now, would i rather stand with debbie or follow megan? of course, she would follow megan. i expect that from her.

it's just like that night, when we were supposed to go to wall street, but i decided not to go. i sat in my car in the parking lot and cried because i was alone, and because i didn't have a friend who would stay with me so i wouldn't be by myself. but i didn't, for an instant, expect marie to be that friend. i knew that marie would go to the club. i wasn't even trying to talk her out of it, and i didn't even try to suggest that she should stay home with me. marie should have gone to the club. it's good that she did. if i had tried to force her to stay with me, she would have been forever resentful of the fact that i had stopped her from living for 'right now.' it just made me really sad to realize that i would gladly be that friend for a whole lot of people, but there was nobody here who was willing to be that friend for me.

and now i have to decide. do i go back to how i was before, living in my mind, or do i let marie drag me into right now, and deal with whatever that brings?
i know the answer. i'm sick of living in my mind. when i think back on it, i realize that the only time things ever changed was when something drastic happened, and the majority of the time, that drastic thing was something i didn't have any control over. all my complex plots, designed to help me take the next baby step, weren't helping my situation. most of the time, they didn't work at all, and even when they did, they were getting me nowhere fast. i need drastic change. and if my choice is to try and make drastic change completely on my own, or to attempt to do it with sporadic support from marie, i'd rather have her with me, for however much time she's willing to be there.

so i know that i'm going to end up in the middle of some terrible messes. i realize that i'll have to spend a lot more time feeling alone, or traumatized, or both. right now, it's not going to be pretty. but in the long run, i think i'll finally get myself to a place where i've always wanted to be... so i guess it should be worth it.

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