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stupidfool
i played gta3 (still too weak for ddr) for a while, and i guess i feel a little better. better like i'm not in tears any more, anyway.

i just feel like i suck sometimes... i was talking to marie online, and i guess she was just joking, but she was saying that i am hopeless and that i'll never find friends and that god just made me so i could be a big loser. maybe i should have realized she was being sarcastic, but it just seemed so true... and i started to feel like maybe i should just accept that she's right, and that no matter how hard i try to find a roommate or to make friends or to be terrie, i just am not the type of person who could ever do any of that. and in making this plan and thinking that i can actually improve on my life, i'm only being disillusioned...

she told me she was joking, when i said she made me feel hopeless. and she said i should keep trying, and i will find friends if i keep trying, but i can't convince myself that she wasn't right the first time... i mean, why would anybody want to be my friend? seriously, look at me. i sit around and cry half the day, i'm too much of a loser to even find a roommate, i'm self-centered, i'm going broke, i can't ever talk to people or show appreciation and just saying 'hello' or 'goodbye' is hard for me. why would anybody see that and then decide that they liked me, or wanted to see more of me?

i asked her if she liked me, and when she said she did, i asked why. she said, 'because you make me laugh when i am sad.'
and that was it. when she is sad, then she likes me, and other than that, i really don't serve any purpose. it just made me feel even more hopeless. even the people who like me don't like me when they're happy. i said something about going to depression clinics to find people to like me, and she told me i was silly, and she loved me, but she was going to bed. but it wasn't a joke. if i'm not playing the fucking clown, there's no point in being around people...

i just don't know about anything any more. i wish i could start over, from the beginning, and be a good person... but i can't, and i don't know if it's even worth the effort to try to change, or make friends, or any of that. i mean now, it's all i think about and all i focus on, and i've still gone absolutely nowhere. maybe i should just cut off all contact with humans, and refuse to speak to anybody. and then i think, 'that's no way to live, you'd be better off dead,' and that doesn't even sound like a bad option, which is when i know i'm lost. how do i snap out of it for good? i'm scared because if i don't get out and stay out, sometime, it's just going to consume me...

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"i wish i could start over, from the beginning, and be a good person"

Oh, my, my. What makes you think that you are NOT a good person? From all I have read from you I see no indication whatsoever that you are not a good person. No indication at all. In fact, I think that you are a very good person. But you are a very MISLED good person...you are misled into thinking things about yourself that are not true.

"i was talking to marie online, and i guess she was just joking, but she was saying that i am hopeless and that i'll never find friends and that god just made me so i could be a big loser."

Now here is one of your problems. Here is where you are very misled. You said something in one of your posts about being masochistic. I agree that you are..you are EMOTIONALLY masochistic. Extremely so. You turn to people who, time and again, whip your self-esteem into a quivering blob and you embrace it with open arms. Why? I have read comments from people on here that ARE your friends and have supportive and positive and caring things to say to you about you...yet you seem to turn a deaf ear to those who DO care..who want to uplift you instead of degrade you. You shun the positive and latch onto the negative aspects and influences in your life. You are failing to see what is right under your nose. You DO have friends..you DO have people who care about you, for some reason you just don't want to see that truth. You want to surround yourself with what hurts you, not what helps you. This is a choice that you make, for whatever reason. Until you change your choices and your perspectives on life, your friends and yourself, you will continue to run in the same dead-end and hurtful circles. I have begun to see that this is a conscious descison ,on your part, and no matter what anyone says to try and help you you do not want help. You seem to enjoy pain and humiliation and actively seek out those who will give it to you. It's a sad thing to see happen, but only you can decide when you've had enough of it. Only you can decide to stop believing the lies.


"..no matter how hard i try to find a roommate or to make friends or to be terrie, i just am not the type of person who could ever do any of that."

Umm..why are you trying to BE Terrie? Why are you trying to be some other person who is not you and who you are not? Of course you can't do that and it's not even close to healthy to be trying. Could it be possible that you are trying to be someone else because you either don't know who you are or hate who you are so much that you want to become another person who is already walking around in the flesh? That's kind scary. Honestly, it is. But at least you know that you are not the kind of person who could do that..I'd be really spooked if you were. There's already one Terrie out there, the world is not ready for her evil twin.

"i asked her if she liked me, and when she said she did, i asked why. she said, 'because you make me laugh when i am sad.'
and that was it. when she is sad, then she likes me, and other than that, i really don't serve any purpose."

Oh well. At least you make her laugh and are , therefore, good for something so she'll probably keep you around so she can tell you what a total hopeless loser you are and then say she was "Just kidding". She could have responded with something like ; "Because you pay me"..now that would have been a bad response and something to really feel bad about. But making people laugh..it's not a bad thing. Besides people, in general, are totally selfish and think of what you do for THEM..such responses as hers are pretty much normal..and truthful. I wouldn't dwell on it too much.

I know I'm wasting my time by saying this..but you're a good person..just don't become "Terrie", ok? And stop listening to and analyzing to death everything that your emotional "Sadists" say to you. Try listening to the good things instead of the bad..try listening to the people who want to help you instead of hurt you. If you want to cut off contact with humans...cut off the ones that are giving you the emotional whippings..you know who they are. Now THAT would be one of the smartest moves you could ever make. You'd be surprised at just how good it feels not to hurt all the time.


Re: Good but misled

redgrrl2001, you seem very very wise; do you mind if I ask you a question?
Is it emotional masochism to be the person who cares about stupidfool?

Absolutely not. She is not a hurtful person to others. She just has had a hard time letting herself SEE that people do care about her. She doesn't think it's possible for people to like her so she has made herself blind to it as a defense mechanism. But she has no harmful intentions to anyone. She is a good person :). She deserves people who care about her. With a little time, she'll see who is worth her time and who is not. We've all been a little emotionally masochistic from time to time. We live and learn.

Re: Good but misled

Yeah okay good, that's what I thought. Thanks :)
I mean, sometimes I've wondered if I should stop being friends with her or something because I can never do anything to help, which is frustrating (although I know rationally not to take it personally bc she is the only person who can help herself) and seeing her that unhappy really hurts me every time. But that reasoning just seemed dumb and selfish because of the fact that she never did anything wrong. And plus, I know she won't be unhappy forever, so I guess I just need to chill. I just wanted to make sure I was not misled, but your answer makes me feel better about my own thinking. Thanks again.
-t4

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