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stupidfool
my whole day is work becuase the rest of my day comes at night. that was a strange sentance. but i wake up right before work. i only work 8-hour days, but the rest of my waking hours come after work. yesterday, i went to bed at 6 a.m. if i was awake during the day, there's a chance i could have something to talk about in here besides work, like maybe i could go somewhere, or see alana or molly, or talk to katie or nikki, or something. but there's really not a whole lot to do at 4 and 5 and 6 a.m. so, here's my day at work:

jim left when i showed up. we said hey and talked about my sleeping schedule and halloween costumes and then he left.

marie called me sweetie. she showed me a lot of stuff for the self-check and i was impressed. i liked learning and watching, and you could tell that she liked having an attentive audience. it worked well. i was 7 and she was old.

i actually asked the two questions i meant to ask. i asked them when jane and terrie were both there and it wasn't busy so they had plenty of time to react and/or discuss. i did my part just fine. their part just didn't go like i had planned... at the beginning of my shift, jane asked if i was still quitting school. i said yeah, and i wanted to work full time next quarter. then she left, so later, when it wasn't busy and her and terrie were both up there, i went and asked if i had to do anything now to make sure i could get full time next quarter. jane said no, and terrie asked what was going on. jane told her i was quitting school. terrie said 'what??? don't do that! you can't do that!' i told her i hated school, why couldn't i? she asked if i was going to go back. i said maybe. she said i'm too smart to quit, and she asked if i wanted to turn out like her, 30 years old and still working at a grocery store. i never knew the story of her and school, but she told me now. she went to school, dropped out and worked here full time for a while. eventually, she went back and got her degree, but she's still working here (i don't know why she's working here even though she has a college degree; she didn't say). jane asked why i didn't like school and i said it was boring and dumb and you had to sit still and concentrate too much. terrie said 'don't quit... just don't do it...' jane said if i needed a break, i should take one, but i should make sure i planned on going back to school sometime. then, it still wasn't busy, so i figured as long as they were both right here, i may as well ask question number 2: 'does jim still like me?' they both laughed. then terrie said she sure thought so. yesterday, he was telling her how badly i wanted to work back there, and how he thought i would do a great job, and they should consider me. jane asked 'would you want to work back here?' i'm stupid. i don't know if i mention that very often, but i am fucking dumb. the answer is yes, i would like to work back there. i'm not sure if i could do it, but if you think i can do it, i would love to try. but i wasn't expecting the question, so what came out was 'uhhh... ummm... i dunno.. maybe...' then she asked 'well would you want to learn to do the self-check thing?' by now, my mouth and mind were back in sync, so i said 'yes.' of course, a yes to the second question makes the first look even more like a no. jane probably thinks i just didn't want to come right out and say no. so i guess i blew my chance to work back there... get a raise... move up in the world... i think that's really what i wanted. i'm not sure that i want to actually do the work that they do back there any more than i want to do the work i'm doing now, and i don't really care about money. i just like to feel like i'm moving up in the world, becuase that means i'm doing a good job, and i like that. anyway, i blew it and i just want to kick myself. but we go back to the topic of jim, and jane asks 'why, is he still bothering you?' i tell her that he doesn't bother me and i like him just fine. i just want to know if he still likes me so i know if i have to watch what i say around him, so he doesn't get the wrong idea. she says something about telling him i just like him as a friend. i tell her i told him that, and he said ok. terrie says she thinks he understands that. she thinks he still likes me, but he understands that i just want to be friends, and even though he may want more, he's trying to just be happy with what he has. jane agrees. it's still not busy and i still have both their attention, but i'm out of things to say, so i go back to my register. i'm dissapointed. neither of those went how i had wanted.
i had been hoping that somehow, the school thing would tie back to christine, and we didn't even mention her. best case, terrie would be so disturbed that she would mention me to christine... realistically, though, i had thought maybe i would at least have gotten a 'do you want to turn out like christine?' out of terrie, but i hadn't realized that terrie had also dropped out of school.
then, i fucked up the thing about working back there. that hadn't even been a part of my plan, but it still went wrong. i want to fix that. i want to go up to jane and say something to indicate that i didn't say what i meant, but i don't know what to say. maybe i can talk to jim, and tell him how i messed up. i'm not supposed to see him again til friday, but i can go there tuesday evening and he'll be working. i can tell him and he'll tell her. then, if i'm lucky, she'll ask me again, giving me yet another chance to fuck things up. i am so dumb...
and then the jim thing... it's good to know that they think he understands that i don't want to date him, but what i had really wanted was to get back to the question that i had avoided last year: 'why don't you like jim like that?' why is it that they couldn't stop asking it last year, but now, when i might be ready to answer, they don't care anymore? i am frustrated. if i believe jim (i do, about 99% for sure), then on monday, may 7th, 2001, i was talking to a lesbian and a bisexual. there was nobody else around. they asked me a question and the answer was 'because i'm a lesbian.' if i had told the truth, they would have both been 100% ok with it. but i didn't. i lied and ran away and blew the best chance i ever had to come out of the closet. i am so fucking dumb. now it's too late. christine is gone and terrie doesn't care. yeah, she's still here, and i could just walk up to her and blurt out 'i'm a lesbian,' but most likely she would just say 'so what?' if all i really wanted was a lesbian to tell the truth to, i could find one on the street. just look for a pride keychain, or two girls holding hands. but just becuase somebody knows and doesn't hate me for it doesn't mean they care. it doesn't mean they want to discuss it with me or be my support group. christine was my fucking chance. that's what i'm mad about the most. i blew so many chances to tell christine, and the one on may 7th was just the worst, i guess. but christine... god, she cared. or she sure did a good job of pretending... she told me if i needed to talk, she'd be glad to listen... she told me she'd be there for me, as a friend... she asks if i'm ok... christine was asking, and i was just too scared to tell her. so i didn't know she was bi. but i was almost sure that she wouldn't hate me for it. it was just the way she was, you could tell that sort of thing wouldn't bother her... i am a fucking moron. christine is gone, terrie doesn't care, and i am all alone. fucking stupid loser. you are fucking stupid. do you think you will ever get an opportunity like that again? god i want christine to come back... just give me one more chance, and i'll tell her the truth... why did she have to leave?

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