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stupidfool
let's just start at the beginning:

i woke up, got dressed, and went to work. on the bus, a man asked me about osu football. i told him i didn't really follow football. he replied 'well, you should. you know they have male cheerleaders now!' i think it's funny how you can feel the most lonely when you're not by yourself.

then i was crossing the street. this is something i do every day. i passed my penny and it made me smile. it's been there since the second week after i got the job. when i saw it for the first time, i bent over to pick it up. i always pick up money. i am like a little kid about it. i still get excited when i find a penny. but it was in the middle of a stripe of tar. the tar had melted just a little from the sun, and the penny was stuck. it was loose and i knew if i tried hard enough, i could pry it off. but it was in the middle of the crosswalk, and the traffic light was going to change, so i gave up and just kept walking. every time i passed it, i'm was tempted to bend over and pick it up, but then i remember that it's stuck. when i got back from summer break, though, i wasn't tempted to pick it up any more. i figured it was becuase i had finally gotten used to the idea that it was stuck there. today, though, i realized the real reason i wasn't trying to pick it up any more. the penny had sunk into the tar and the tar was oozing over the edges. it wasn't even a perfect circle any more. it was obvious that the penny was stuck. i didn't have to think about it any more. but it was still the same old penny. it gave me a warm feeling to think about it. i had seen that penny the first day it got stuck there, and i had watched it all the way til now, when it's stuck deep in the tar. it's been through a lot, but it's still the same penny and i'm still the same me. i guess that penny got me in a thinking mood, becuase i sure did a lot of thinking. first, i went up to the break room. the sunday busses are dumb, so i have to get there like 20 minutes early. today, i read my english assignment. it's a story called 'the yellow wallpaper,' and it's really weird. while i was in there reading, little ben came up. then nickolas came in and i laughed. i have no idea why, but nickolas makes me laugh. he is the most cheerful guy. he's just hilarious. i think it started about a week ago, when malik called 'there he is!' when nickolas came by. this is the sort of thing malik says all the time. every time i walk by malik, he says 'here comes trouble!' and i laugh and tell him i'm not trouble. i guess nickolas wasn't used to this though, becuase he asks, in that cheerful nickolas voice, 'why, were they looking for me?' i laughed but malik said 'oh yes.' and in the same cheeful voice, nickolas asks 'who?' malik says 'ummm... management.' something about the whole conversation just made me laugh, and it made him laugh too... so now i always laugh when i see him. it's like a reflex and i can't make it stop. so today i look at him and laugh and when i laugh, he laughs, and he has no idea why. he thinks i'm weird, but he thinks it's funny. anyway, him and little ben are both laughing, just becuase i am, and there's absolutely nothing funny about this situation. ben is calling terrie over the intercom, nickolas is checking the schedule, and i'm reading my english homework. we laugh for a good minute anyway. then they leave, i finish reading the story, and i go clock in. marie is acting coordinator becuase michelle called off. she tells me to take over for nickolas. so i look at nickolas and he motions like asking 'are you coming here?' and i start laughing. i tell him through my laughter that i am. he laughs. he tries to explain to marie and alyssa (who are giving us funny looks) why we're laughing, but he really can't. he says 'loser likes to laugh at me.' and they ask 'why?' and he says he doesn't think i know why. it's hilarious. terrie gives me my drawer and a funny look. i tell her 'nickolas is funny.' nickolas isn't funny. he's one of the least funny people there. terrie is funny. jane is sometimes funny, and tyrone is funny. nickolas just isn't, but he's hilarious. i am strange. right, so while i'm waiting for him to finish his customer, ben asks what i was reading. i tell him it was my homework, 'the yellow wallpaper,' and it was dumb. alyssa asks if it was that one about a lady trapped in wallpaper and i say yeah and marie calls from two lanes over 'wait, is that the one where the lady is mentally ill so they move to the country and she goes crazy?' and i say yeah and the three of us have a discussion over this story. then i take over for nickolas and i'm back to my thinking mode. i'm thinking about familiarity. i like it. it's like doing the returns or pushing carts at home. i like the way i can run the groceries across the scanner without thinking about where the barcodes are located. i like the way i can talk to alyssa and marie and the way i can laugh at nickolas. i like that little ben is consistantly nice. i like the way my fingers fly over the keys when i get to produce. my mind doesn't even have to be connected. my eyes see broccoli and my fingers type 4060. it's automatic. it's familiar and i like it.

since michelle called off, terrie is the only office person for an hour. i watch her. it's kind of funny. i'm watching her for signs that she's a lesbian, but i wind up noticing that she's hot. i know terrie is hot. i've always known it. it's just that christine was younger... and christine was nicer... and christine was hotter... so i didn't really pay much attention to terrie. but now christine is gone, and terrie's the best i've got. this bothers me for a few reasons. first, terrie's leaving, and i don't want to hurt when she leaves like i hurt when christine left. if i'm going to find a new hot girl to obsess over, i'd rather it be somebody who's going to stick around... and second, i don't really want to find a new hot girl to obsess over. i'd rather fall madly in love with jim. or ayrik. or ben. or amit. or anybody with a dick. right before terrie's supposed to leave, monique needs something one register in front of me. terrie has already taken off her work shirt. she's wearing what she had on underneath it, a long sleeved white t-shirt from old navy. i watch her and wonder if the shirt is a men's shirt or a women's shirt. i wonder why it matters. i can see her bra straps through her shirt. i wonder why i'm looking. i hate that my eyes and my mind refuse to agree. she has the keys in her back pocket. she has a nice ass. why the fuck am i looking at her ass? is the shape of her ass going to tell me if she's a lesbian? becuase if it's not, i don't need to be looking. my stupid eyes won't cooperate. anyway, terrie leaves after she helps monique, and my eyes are ok again. i hope this wasn't the last day i'll work with her. i hope she works again next week...

i go up to the service desk sometime and ask jane for change. while she gets it, amit asks if i like my major. i tell him i hate it. he asks if i'm going to change my major. i say 'no, i'm going to drop out of school.' he asks if i'm serious, and jane tells him 'yeah, she's going to quit school and she's going to work back here.' now is when i should say something to indicate that yes, i do want to work back there, even though yesterday i did an awful job of showing it. i can't think of anything though, so i take my change in silence and hate myself. i'm so dumb.

i take my break and marvel again at how much i like familiarity. i go upstairs and i could get to the drinking fountain with my eyes shut. i know the break room by the smell of old food... i can tell when i'm walking by ann's office by the vanilla smell... i know this place. i like knowing stuff. i sit up there and eat a lunchable, ham and cheese, just like always. as i eat, i enjoy the way the crackers and meat and cheese fit so neatly together, just like they always have. i put the last one in my mouth, and bite down on something hard. there's a chunk in my ham. i spit it out and i hate that i enjoy familiarity. i hate it. it's what's ruining my life. the fact that i like familiarity is keeping me from making the best of my life. it's keeping me in the closet. it's making me lie about everything, just so people will think what they've always thought of me. it's kept me acting 7 ever since my 7th birthday. my life would be so much better if i didn't refuse to let it change. i throw away my trash and i'm disgusted with myself. i wish i could deal better with change. i hate that i like familiarity, but that doesn't make me like it any less, and i hate that too. i frustrate myself. i am dumb.

i go back on register. it's about quarter til 7. i can't stop thinking about how things are so nice. the cans fit in my hands. they fly from my right hand, across the scanner, into my left hand, and onto the belt, and before the left one has set it down, my right hand is picking up another. it's a pattern. it feels good. i look ahead and let my hands do the work. perhaps i shouldn't have looked up, becuase when i do, i see christine. she is wearing a periwinkle t-shirt and the jeans and sneakers that i know by heart. it's her. her hair, her face, her body, her breasts, her walk... it's her. christine is here. the can topples out of my hand and lands with a bang on the scanner. she walks by without looking up. i stare at her until continuing to do so would require turning my head. all of a sudden, nothing is natural any more. the cans feel awkward and clunky and i feel like i need a magnifying glass to find the barcodes. i want to turn and look, but i'm afraid to look again. christine was supposed to be gone. gone from the store and gone from my life. she may still be alive somewhere, but i wasn't ever supposed to see her again. i was forcing myself to get used to that fact. christine wasn't just gone; she was dead. i think i believed it more than i realized, becuase i feel like i've just seen a ghost. i can't turn around. i'm afraid. i have no reason to turn around. i need to get these last few things across the scanner, and then i can turn around to bag. i can't do it. i can't pick them up. i drop them everywhere. my hands aren't working with me any more. they shake. i just saw christine. the part of my mind that allows me to automatically scan these stupid groceries is stuck on that thought. every part of my mind is stuck on that thought. by the time i manage to finish the order, i turn around and she's gone. i hurt. i hurt so bad. how could she walk by and say nothing? did she see me? how could i say nothing? i missed her more than i knew it was possible to miss someone, but i see her and say nothing? this is wrong. come back. where did she go? i bag the groceries and my eyes are everywhere. did she leave? i can't find her. i have another customer coming right as i finsh up the last one, but i pretend i don't see her and grab a basket to take back. i walk over there slowly, my eyes scanning the front end and the aisles behind the registers and i see her nowhere. why was she here? and where did she go? she didn't leave me, did she? i go back to my register where the customer has already unloaded about 10 items and is waiting impatiently. i apologize and i hear that my voice is shaky. i am shaky. christine was here. christine could still be here. i have managed to do about half the lady's order when i hear jane's voice over the intercom: 'christine to the service desk.' i drop the box of cereal i'm scanning. it falls to the ground. why can't i control my hands? while i'm attempting to pick it up, the lady says 'oh, and i need cigarettes.' she needs cigarettes. cigarettes are by the service desk. christine to the service desk. 'you need cigarettes,' i repeat dumbly. 'yeah,' she tells me. 'what kind?' i ask. she answers. christine isn't there yet. i clumsily scan a few more items. i realize i wasn't listening at all when she told me what kind of cigarettes she needed. i ask her again, only out of the corner of my eye, i see christine go over to the service desk. every part of my mind is concentrating on that, and i still have no idea what the lady said. i slowly finish up the order. i start to bag and then remember she needs cigarettes. i still don't know what kind. i say 'i'm sorry,' and i ask again. this time i listen. salem ultra light 100s. my hands automatically go into the air. i am remembering salem ultra light 100s. not christine. salem ultra light 100s. christine is standing in the doorway, facing out. i face straight ahead and walk by, to the counter. i don't know what to say to her. i want to talk to her. i'll hate myself forever if i don't say something to her, but i don't know what to say. ann is back there, doing something with the fax machine. jane is back there, doing something. i stand there for a minute with my hands in the air and they don't acknowledge my presence. if i go get them myself, i pass christine in the doorway... i go get them. she says nothing as i brush by her to go get them. i get them and now i don't have to remember salem ultra light 100s any more. now i need to say something to her. i come out the door and she backs up a little to let me pass. i stop and face her and say the first thing i think of: 'whats'a happen to you?' i think she thinks i meant what happened to her. i meant what's going to happen to her. she said 'i'm not working here any more.' i knew that. but i look at her and all i can think to say is 'ever?' in a voice that's begging her to tell me she's just kidding... 'never,' she answers. i don't know what to say. i miss you. christine, i miss you... i say slowly 'i'm sorry...' she says 'not half as sorry as i am.' i'm backing up to leave. this customer is going to kill me. i answer 'maybe.' maybe i am. maybe i am twice as sorry as she is. maybe i want her to be working here more than she could ever know. i apologize to the lady again and i can't make my voice come out right. i sound shaken up. i am shaken up. i just talked to a ghost. she is the most wonderful ghost in the world. there aren't many customers. they never wait in line for more than a few seconds, but i never get a fucking break in the line. i am trying hard to go fast because i just need to go out there again, walk by her again, talk to her once more... that wasn't a conversation. that wasn't anything, except christine. she's fucking here. i can't go fast. i can't feel my hands. i keep turning around and looking. she's standing in the doorway. i think she's talking to jane but waiting on ann. i can't tell for sure. what is she doing here? i need to hurry but i can't. she leaves, while i'm still waiting on a customer. i get a break in the line and take another basket back. she's nowhere. she's gone. i know she's gone, but i still keep looking up while i run register, and turning around, and looking at the door, like she's just going to magically reappear if i want it badly enough. she doesn't. after a few hours, i finally admit to myself that she's gone.

around quarter after nine, dana comes to run my last break. i go up to the break room and get myself a snack, and sit down to take my break like always, but i can't do it. my mind is full. i get up and go outside. i don't know why. as a rule, i only take breaks outside when it's light and nice. now it's dark and cold. but i need to think and i can't think here. maybe outside, where the air moves freely, my thoughts will move freely too. i go and sit at the table. it's against the front of the store, so if you sit facing the table on the end closer to the store, you can lean to the side and you'll be leaning against the wall. i sit with my back against the wall and my legs up on the bench, looking out over the parking lot. holly from deli is diagonal from me. she blows smoke in my face and i ignore it and try to think. i hurt. i wanted to see christine again, and i did. why am i not happy? why do i feel worse than i did when this day started? when this day started, i was forgetting about her. i was laughing at how funny nickolas was, and staring at terrie. christine was gone. and then she was here, but now she's gone again. it's like she died all over again. you're only supposed to have to deal with people dying once. but in my poor mind, christine has already died twice, and in real life, she's still alive. i see a car in the parking lot that is just like christine's. it makes me hurt. she is gone. again. i stare at the parking lot and wish christine were here. it's cold outside. why did i come out here? what's wrong with me? i'm so lost in thought that i don't notice the smoke in my face. and i hardly even notice when i hear voices coming out the door of the store getting closer to the table. in fact, i don't react to the voices until they're sitting themselves down at the table. then i notice, because sitting across from me is jane, and sitting next to me, a few inches away from where my feet are resting on the bench, is christine. i am facing her becuase of the way i'm sitting. in the dark, i can't tell what color she's wearing, but i know she's changed. she has one of those warm fuzzy fleece things on. more than anything in the world, i want to rest my head against that warm fleece. i want to feel her arm around me, to lean into her and press my face into her shoulder, breathing the smell of christine and feeling safe and warm... her and jane continue talking. christine is asking about how things are going in the office. jane laughs and tells her there is no office. terrie doesn't want to work the office. she just wants to be coordinator. jp is gone. ray dissapeared. christine... she's gone too. christine asks if they're going to hire new people in or train people they have. jane says probably train people they have. she says 'we might train loser back there,' and nods towards me. ahhh another chance to tell her i want to work back there! i get to redeem myself! unfortunately, my mind is consumed with other things, and what i say comes out in my 7-year old voice: 'i'm loser!' christine laughs and says 'ahhhh, loser, i miss you.' i feel good inside. maybe i can't say i want to work back there, but christine still likes me... she says 'you know, you're one of the big reasons i miss working here.' her and jane keep talking. they say something about terrie and how she moved in with christine. they talk about meeting this girl. from what i can gather, this girl is close to terrie and terrie talks about her all the time, and christine finally met her, and jane asks what she thinks of her. christine says she seemed fine but wasn't what she had expected. i remember what jim said and wonder if this could be terrie's girlfriend. then they talk a little about this sign that was up at the service desk. chrstine tells me that she stole it when she left and hung it up in her room. she's kidding, becuase it dissappeared at the same time that christine left, so jane jokingly blames her. i tell her i have a sign in my room from here. it's really big and it says peaches 58 cents a pound. christine laughs and asks if i stole it. i tell her no, molly did. she laughs again. she asks why molly doesn't get fired for that and i tell her molly quit. her and jane talk some more. i guess the reason christine came in today was to get ann to fax some stuff to the place where christine's trying to get a job. she faxed a few things, one thing that said that christine paid back all the money that she took. jane tells her she'll get the job. then jane says something about how i'm quitting school, and christine says 'what???? loser, you can't do that!' i ask why not. she says i just can't. she says there's no way. she says i'm too smart for that. she says i need to get a degree becuase then i'll have options for my future. jane goes inside when she finishes her cigarette. she tells christine to call her, and recites her phone number for her. christine stays outside becuase she sees the policeman coming towards the door and doesn't want to talk to him. i watch her. it's dark and i know she can't see clearly where i'm looking. i'm in the shadows. i see the siloutte of her face, outlined in the moonlight. she's beautiful. i watch her lips as she talks to me. she talks about school some more. she says i really can't quit. i tell her i'm going to. she says forcefully 'no you're not. i won't let you.' i ask her how she's going to not let me. she laughs and says she'll sit next to me and force me to register for my classes. i tell her at least i'm doing pretty good with going to classes this quarter. i've been to 50%. she sighs and tells me i should get it up to 75%. or 2/3, at the least. i tell her at least it's better than last quarter. i add 'but i'm sick of it, and i'm not doing this again next quarter.' she says i need to make money when i get out of school. i tell her i made money this summer and i still have a hundred paychecks. she laughs and says no you don't. i tell her no, i have twelve. she laughs and says i'd like to have that much money sitting around. i tell her she can have it. she laughs and says she'll remember that ten years from now, when she needs money. then she laughs and says 'in fact, i might remember that tomorrow...' and i laugh too. somehow, even though my mind is overwhelmed by the thought of talking to christine, i know that this is my chance. last night, i begged for another chance to talk to christine, and here we are, just the two of us. she is listening to me, everything i say. i want to tell her the truth. the whole truth. but i can't just say it. i have to get her to get at it somehow... i tell her i'm not happy, so i have to quit. she says dropping out of school isn't going to help and i shouldn't do it. nobody who has quit school is happier becuase of it. i try another angle. i tell her jim did it. she asks if i think jim is happy. i say he seems happy to me and add 'he always talks to me friendly.' she says he's not as happy as he seems. and she asks if she seemed happy when she was working here. i said most of the time. she said probably, but trust her, she wasn't. she says her sister dropped out of school and now she's pregnant and she knows who the dad is, but he's sure not going to stick around and help with the baby. i look away and say quietly 'i can guarantee that won't happen to me.' she looks at me for a moment and then answers 'maybe not. but there are other things that are just as bad.' she says dropping out of school is the biggest mistake she's ever made in her life. then she corrects herself and says second biggest, and asks if i know why she's not working there any more. i say 'cause you took money.' she says yeah. she says her roommate screwed her out of some money on the electric bill, so she just took $50, and meant to pay it back, but things just kept going. i tell her i need a break. she asked 'what do you call the summer?' and i threw up my hands in frustration and my 7-year old said 'i call it a stupid internship!' i know as i'm saying it that this is going to get that christine reaction that i've grown to love. it does. i see her smile and her outline moves as she laughs and tells me she misses me. holly laughs at me too and then she gets up and goes inside. christine and me are sitting alone on this bench in the dark. she says if she had stayed in school, she wouldn't be in this mess. she says she only quit becuase she had a mess and she was suicidal and messed up stuff. she says you don't realize it when you're in school, but it gives you something consistant. it keeps you disciplined and gives you direction. even if you hate it, it's there, and you're doing it, and it's good for you to have something like that. like it or not, you're going somewhere, and going somewhere is good for you. and she says dropping out of school isn't a magical cure, and it doesn't fix anything else in your life. it just takes away one of the more consistant things you have. then she says something about living with terrie and i say 'i thought you lived with that girl.' she asks 'what girl?' and i tell her 'the girl you always come into the store with.' she says 'no, that girl lives 2 hours away...' she sounds sad about it. i remember what jim said and wonder how much he knows. he agreed with me when i said she lived with her and she doesn't. he said she had sex with her. what does jim know? my break was over a long time ago, but i'm sitting on a bench with christine. i tell her that terrie slept on jim's couch once. she laughs and asks when. i say when she was drunk. christine laughs and says she knows terrie's done some crazy things when she was drunk. i tell it was the same day jane wrapped herself up in a dirty rug becuase she was drunk. she laughs and says she knows jane's done some crazy things when she was drunk, too. finally, we both go to go inside. she says she should say goodbye to everyone and she forgets jane's phone number. i recite it for her and she laughs. i go to clock in and she goes over to the service desk. i'm still thinking about everything she said about school. i guess i already knew most of what she told me. it sort of went with my whole foot/toe analogy. but somehow hearing it come from her, i believe it. i understand it. she's right. i know it. i probably knew it before she said it, but i don't listen to myself. i know that if i drop out of school, all my attention is going to be focused on this place. everything that happens here will matter to me twice as much, because i will never have anything else to think about. i know that's not good for me. and i know it won't be easy to live off the money i make here. but i do need a break... maybe i can just go part time to school next quarter. i wonder what she would think about that.

i go back on register. i watch christine on and off. she's standing in the doorway talking to jane. then, sara comes in to grocery shop, and christine follows her around and talks to her. they come up to check out and go through the line behind me, helen's. sara forgot her card, so christine lets her borrow hers, and she still shows up as an employee. i complain, from my perch on the bag dispenser 'hey, how come i still don't have that?' christine laughs and asks 'how come i still do?' i laugh and tell her good point. when sara's about done, christine squeezes by the cart to go back up to the service desk. my hand is on the side of the lane, holding me up. her hip brushes against my hand as she goes and i tingle. at first, i'm watching frantically, like she's going to disspear the next time i look up, but she never does. after an hour, i get used to her being there. i go up to ask for things, like cigarettes and formula and she smiles at things i say and laughs at me, just like always. i'm up there and i hear her telling jane 'yeah, but my baby's coming to visit next weekend.' and she sounds happy. i wonder if her baby is the girl, who lives 2 hours away. i think it could be. it could be a guy. i don't know. one time i need a key, and i go up there making the motion of turning a key with my right hand, and giving some sort of jumbled loser-explanation of what i did to need it. jane stares at me blankly and asks 'you did what?' christine laughs and asks her 'haven't you learned by now that this-' and she makes the same motion that my hand is making 'means she needs a key?' i laugh too. i know christine always knew that. christine always knew what i needed... a key... cigarettes... or a simple question, like 'you ok?' i like christine. i go up for marlboros once and trip over that word. christine practices it with me, and says that's why i have to go to school, so i can learn proper pronunciation. i ask what if i just take one class, so it's still sort of a break. she says she supposes as long as i'm in school, that's good. and then she adds 'but two would be better...' i laugh. i go up there later for some baby formula and discover that i can't say formula either. christine tells me to just say similac and then adds 'that's why you gotta take 2 classes-one for each word you can't say.' i laugh. i bring my drawer up there at the end of the night. christine is still in the doorway and says she can't take it and hand it to jane or she might get in trouble. i messed up. i ran out of quarters and pennies at the same time, and i accidentally opened the quarters where the pennies went and the pennies where the quarters went. i ask jane if it's ok if i mixed up my money. she doesn't really listen to the question, but christine does and looks down at my drawer and starts laughing. she tells me it's fine. she takes my drawer anyway. jane changes her mind when she sees how many checks and stuff i have and tells me to just leave it out there. she hands it to christine, who hands it back to me. i put it back in and ask if it's ok to leave. jane says sure, and tells me bye. christine says bye and then tells me 'you WILL stay in school.' i say maybe one class. she says maybe two. i say how 'bout i go 5 credit hours. she says 8. i say maybe 6, to be half-time. she says compromise-7. i laugh and ask where i'm going to find 7 credit hours. she shrugs and tells me i can do it, and i leave and she says bye again and i say bye.

i go outside and i want her to come out too, to offer to take me home becuase i'm walking today. i go to the corner and mail an imaginary letter, to give her time to come outside. she doesn't. amit does, and as i'm coming back from the mailbox, he asks if i'm waiting for a ride. i tell him i'm walking. he offers to take me and i decline and he offers again, and in my mind, i hear christine talking to me about letting people take me home, and telling me 'you need to be more accepting,' which made me laugh. but i knew what she meant. so i say ok and he takes me home and asks if i'm really going to drop out of school. i tell him christine sorta scared me out of it. i tell him i'm going to maybe take just one class next quarter, and probalby go back spring quarter. he tells me that's good becuase i should stay in school.

i sit here and i feel ok. i feel like christine is back. i know she's not back. she's never coming back. but she was there, just like she always was, only instead of being behind the counter, she was in the doorway. she was still there, smiling, and laughing, and interpreting what i'm saying for everyone else. i don't feel like she's gone. i feel like maybe next week sometime, i'll show up for work, and she'll be up there for another 2 hours, talking to terrie or jane or somebody. and when it comes time for me to schedule for classes, she's going to come sit next to me and make sure i sign up... i wonder if she's gone. i wonder if she's ever coming back again, or if i'm just fooling myself. i wonder if fooling myself is such a bad thing, becuase i sure feel better today than i've felt since... well since the wednesday before last, when i found out she went away. and i wonder if there is a god. for some reason, i feel like there is one and he's looking at me in dissapointment right now. i begged for one more chance to talk to christine, becuase i was sure that if i could talk to her, i'd tell her the truth, and my life would be ok. and god, if he's up there, gave me that chance, and i didn't do what i said i'd do. if he exists, he's probably thinking 'i did my part... she didn't do hers...' and wondering why he should ever listen to me again. i dissapointed him. i dissapointed me too, becuase i wanted to tell her. i just couldn't come flat out and say it... and she never asked... if i had only known that i was going to see her again, i could have planned better... thought of a way to bring it up... done something... or maybe god's proving a point. becuase i sit here now and i want to beg for one more chance. just one more chance to talk to christine, and this time i'll tell her, i mean it. it's sort of ironic. maybe he's telling me-just listen to yourself. you say you'll do it if you see christine, you say you'll do it january 7th, but do you really believe any of that? you're all talk. you don't ever mean what you say. if you want to do it, you don't need the perfect setup. you don't need terrie to be a lesbian and you don't need christine. what you need is yourself. and you need to just take a deep breath and do it, becuase no matter when you promise you'll do it, you never mean it. christine doesn't make it any easier. you just think it does because you're looking for an excuse to not do it, and you know that christine won't be around any more. you thought it would take a miracle to see christine again, so you could make all the promises in the world, and it wouldn't matter. but the miracle came, and you found out that your promises mean nothing. you are stupid. you are dumb. you never mean what you say. christine is not magic.
but if i could just see her one more time... if she could bring it up... any way she wanted to... why i don't like jim, or what's wrong with my life, or why i was so depressed last year, or even ask if i'm dating molly, becuase i think they think i am... all i need is for her to bring it up to me, and i'll tell her the truth. i promise. i mean this. i mean this more than i've ever meant anything... i promise. honest. i think it's too late i already blew it.
i'm glad i saw her though. i am. i'm glad she still exists. i'm glad dana gave me my break late. i'm glad i randomly decided to go outside. i'm glad she still smiles at me and tells me she missed me. i'm glad she talked to me about classes, not becuase she knows so much more than anybody else, but becuase i listen to her so much more than anybody else. i'm glad she's ok. i'm glad that she's trying for a job. i'm glad that i got a chance to get my questions answered. i'm glad she told me why she took that first money. i'm glad for everything that happened today.
and if i ever get another chance, i promise i'll tell the truth.
shit i have class in 5 hours... i meant to be sleeping a long time ago...

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