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stupidfool
yesterday, terrie said 'i'm sorry your break is late. i don't mean to take advantage.' i don't know why i feel this matters, and i sure would appreciate the statement grammatically if there was an 'of you' tacked on the end. but i just thought i'd write that, becuase i didn't mention it yesterday, and it hasn't left my head since then.

today i went to class. i studied. i took a hard midterm. i probably did bad. for the first time in several weeks, i spent a whole day without going to my grocery store for whatever reason.

after class, i talked to alana for a little. then nikki called, and i went to a haunted house with her and another girl who i know fairly well from last year, and some girl who i don't know at all. the girl who i don't know at all... her name was wendy, and she lives next door to nikki. she said something about a girl named miranda. that's the name of the girl christine mentioned, so i ask about this miranda... to make the long story short, the same miranda who was awful to christine her freshman year is currently living with wendy, next door to nikki. nikki and wendy say miranda is a little weird and gets really psycho sometimes. they don't like her that much. they don't know christine or anything, so we don't really discuss it. i'm just amazed... it's a small world... and now i'm never going to be able to visit nikki without wanting to go next door and find out what in the world miranda was thinking...

i've been thinking a lot. i haven't reached any conclusions. all i know is that jim is leaving me and christine isn't consistantly around. i feel like i ought to tell more people. i feel like i need to tell more people. instead of feeling relieved to get my secret out, i feel like i need to get it out even worse than before. i don't know who i want to tell, and i don't know how i want to tell them, but i want them to know. talking to jim was fine before, but i swear it's way better now. like, we talk about the same sorts of things as before, only now i feel like he knows me. before, he knew the fake me. now, he knows the real me, and our conversations are still just as good and that's great. i like that. i want to feel that way with the world. the problem is that there's no guarantees that the rest of the world is going to be as accepting as jim... while i'd rather them be nice to the real me than be nice to the fake me, i'd still rather them be nice to the fake me than be mean to the real me. (was that confusing?) i'm not good at taking risks, and i'm also not good at predicting people's reactions to anything. i've been trying to figure things out. christine is my way into this. i don't want to discuss homosexuality with anybody, but i don't mind discussing christine. i love her. i don't talk about her like 'hey, did you know christine's bi?' instead i'll just find a way to work it into the conversation. like i'll just casually drop the phrase 'christine's girlfriend,' or 'christine and her girlfriend,' and watch the reaction carefully.
alana has no reaction. absolutely none. i say it like it's perfectly normal phrase, and she reacts like it's a perfectly normal phrase. i don't know if that's good or bad. i guess it's a good sign, but then sometimes i think she already suspects that i'm a lesbian. and then sometimes i think i'm paranoid... then i remember telling myself that i was paranoid thinking that terrie and christine knew last year... only then, i wasn't paranoid; i was right. i don't know how to figure out if she knows, or cares, or even if she cares to know. i hardly ever see her anymore. maybe she doesn't even care about me one way or the other.
molly has mixed reactions. she says it's weird, but mostly she just says things like 'it's fine for other people but they should leave me alone.' if i'm thinking with a positive outlook, this is just her trying to prove her heterosexuality. like she's fine with it in others, as long as it stays far away from her becuase she'll never go there... like she has no problem with people being homosexuals, but if they started expecting her to be one too, then she would be upset. if i'm thinking with a negative outlook, it means that she's not going to start killing homosexuals, but they better stay out of her way becuase she doesn't like them at all.
i think when i go home for thanksgiving break, i'm going to try and work 'christine's girlfriend' into the conversation somehow. i think they might be ok, but then sometimes i think they might not... and sometimes i think i have no idea... and sometimes i think they suspect too... i just kinda want to test the waters... if i were to come out to them, it wouldn't be til christmas anyway. over thanksgiving, i'm only going to be there for a few days. i have a few weeks for christmas. i know if i tell them, my first instinct will be to immediately run away, back to school, where even though they know, i don't have to deal with them knowing. but i think, providing that they don't become abusive or anything, it's better for me to stick around and face it for a while. it would probably be better for me and better for them that way.
nikki seems to think not much. or maybe she didn't even hear me, becuase i only said it once, and the music was kind of loud. sometimes i think she suspects too. geez, i think the whole world suspects... i must be paranoid... but then again, i'm 20 years old and i've never had a boyfriend or shown an interest in getting one... why shouldn't the whole world suspect?
right, so there's my mixed-up thoughts on that issue. on one hand, i kind of feel like there's a little bit of urgency here. i'd sort of like to find another supporter while jim's still around, so that when he leaves me, i'll still have a friend who knows the real me. but on the other hand, i'd just like to wait until things cool off from this whole mess, and i get used to jim being gone, but knowing the truth, and christine being wherever she's going to be and knowing...
and then sometimes i sit back and think 'why bother?' who cares if they know? yeah, it's nice, but is it really worth all the pressure and fear and nervousness and depression? if i got a girlfriend out of it, maybe... but i don't even see how being uncloseted would help me find a girlfriend. christine had her girlfriend, and then came out of the closet. www.outpath.com has all these coming out stories, and most everybody had the girlfriend first, and then they came out to the world. all i ever meet is straight girls. so if i'm going to spend the rest of my life single anyway, does it really matter if people think that i would like to date girls or guys? the point is that i'm not dating at all, so who cares which sex i would date?
but wait, i want to come out. no, wait, i don't. i give up. i have no idea.

i want to sleep. for thursday, i have a 5-page paper, a 1-page paper, and some math homework. i should do some. i think i'm going to sleep instead though, becuase i've needed a good night's sleep forever. tomorrow, i'll get home from work around midnight... and then have to do all that... this is bad.

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