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stupidfool
today i went to classes. i cleaned my room. i spent an hour helping alana fix her computer program. i have every tuesday and thursday off work. she is always here, but she and her boyfriend are always in her room together, with the door shut, and i entertain myself or hang out with molly and sometimes aaron. but she never talks to me. today, her boyfriend was over, but he didn't know how to do the program, so she talked to me. when we got the program working, then she chatted with me like regular friends do. it was the longest time i had spent with her in about a year. something seems wrong about that-i'm only her friend when it's going to help her somehow?-but i guess it's ok. maybe i'm being used, but do i really care? i had nothing else to do anyway. a little programming never hurt anybody... it's just that i've been thinking about telling people the truth... i told alana i'd tell her by january 7th. now, i don't really think that would do anything for me. she never talks to me. she's not going to start talking to me when she finds out i'm a lesbian... she'll probably just forget that i told her i'd tell her. i hope so... sort of. but i sort of want to tell her too. i want to tell her, and molly and aaron and katie and nikki and lauren and fly and the world and if they don't like it, screw them, becuase it's me. take it or leave it.
that's just me feeling bold. that feeling goes away right quick though.

so i avoided the store today, but it's still on my mind. yesterday, i overheard billie talking to terrie. billie was telling terrie that she should just leave. terrie said she was waiting for them to find her a replacement, and billie said that she'd be waiting forever. they're not looking too hard for a replacement, not while she's still around. she said that if terrie just left, then sure, they'd have trouble for a week or so, but then they'd make sure they found a replacement. and that if terrie ever wanted to get out, she should just do it. i don't want terrie to leave. that's not the kind of pep talk i want people to be giving her. somebody cut her out an article from women's day. it was on the floor with her groceries. i dropped some coins and read it while i pretended to have trouble finding the coins under the desk and stuff. i only read the first page, because when you start turning pages, it's obvious that you're not just picking up coins. it was saying how you should persue your goals. it said you might be worried that you can't make money off of it, but you can find a way to make it work. it told the story of this lady named karen who was a dental assistant, but her passion was painting. one of her co-workers asked her to paint her kid's bedroom, and she did a good job and the business grew, and now karen's happy with her own business, doing what she really loves. (that's the shortened version...) i know terrie's working on starting her own business. the point is i don't want her to leave. i'm being dumb. i know that even if i told terrie the truth, nothing would happen. she's old. i have never, in my entire life, had a female friend who was more than a few months older than me. i know this is dumb, becuase i have plenty of friends who are younger than me. to them, i'm an older person, and they don't have a problem with me... it's not that i don't meet plenty of 'older' girls who i would like to be friends with... it's just that i'm scared of them. i'm intimidated by them. i turn 7. they all think i'm cute and little. my friends think that sometimes too, but it's different, becuase they also see me joking around and goofing off and being fun.
like the track team. i ran track for 4 years. my freshman year, it wasn't so great. i only did it becuase everybody inisisted that i needed an outlet for all my excess energy. everybody on the team was older than me, and i spent the season-meets, practices, everything-in silence. i only talked to a few girls from my grade, and the rest of the time, i only spoke when i was spoken to, and usually it was to say something dumb and not quite right and people would laugh and call me cute and i dealt with it. my sophomore year, it was better, becuase there were all these freshman who weren't intimidating. still, there were always those old kids around... i was quiet. my senior year, though, ruled. i LOVED track season. i said whatever i felt like saying, whenever i felt like it, to whoever i wanted to say it to. i knew fly's friends and d's friends and my friends and i met the rest of the kids and it was fun. of course, i made a big joke out of it. i never won a race. i never attempted to win a race. i ran the mile once with a sophomore who stunk. she had never done it before, and didn't want to come in last by a ton. i told her i'd run with her, and she started running and i was just jogging with her, joking around and talking to her the whole time. i ate a piece of pizza while running the 2 mile once. and i was famous for trying to have conversations with the people in the stands while i was running races. but i was comfortable around the whole team, and they were comfortable around me, and i made lots of friends that track season.
so the point is that i've never been comfortable around anybody older than me. i don't know why, and i don't know how to fix it, so i'm just going to assume that i can't fix it, and go from there. from there, it becomes obvious that terrie will never be my friend or anything other than what she is right now-a hot lesbian who jokes with me. i still don't want her to leave. i like to look at her. i like knowing that she's a lesbian and i'm not the only one there, even if i'm never going to discuss it with her enough to let her know for sure that i am one. i like the small conversations we have, i guess, but mostly i just like her presence. it's not like christine. i like christine. i like to look at her, and i like her presence, but i also like her. she's nice and she's great and she looks out for me. she has the nicest things to say to people... she's special. terrie is nothing special, or at least she wouldn't be if i knew a few more real-life lesbians. but i don't. besides myself, i know one real-life lesbian, and she's it, and i don't want her to leave. it's more than that, though. she can't leave because if she does, i have nothing left. the other night, i worked with terrie for a few hours and then the rest without her. i came home and i was all depresed and saying how i wanted to quit work, and how i don't fit with the people there... but terrie's around and it's ok. i like to look at her and i feel less alone and less different and so the rest of the people don't matter. if she leaves, i'm scared i'm going to be that depressed all the time. i need to meet real-live lesbians. i need to come out of the closet. fast. before terrie leaves. but to who? not molly. molly hates those people. molly got her job back. if i tell people at work, it could get back to molly. my family? i don't know. i don't know at all but i'd better start knowing soon...

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