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stupidfool
today i woke up at 4 p.m. this is probably related to the fact that last night, i went to bed at 6 a.m. i have to work tomorrow morning (that's actually today) at 8 a.m. it's now 1 a.m. all this has left me slightly confused (what day is it again?), but the point is that due to this messed-up schedule, i'm not the least bit tired, and i should be sleeping.

when i got up, i went to work. terrie was there. so was rashid. today, rashid was more interesting (although terrie still looked better). he came over to me and said 'terrie yelled at me yesterday!'
i laughed and said 'me too!'
he said she told him, 'i am NOT dating jp,' and he told her he was just kidding anyway... then he says 'she gets mad when people talk about guys.'
this makes me think that he might know she's a lesbian, and i wonder how he could know that... does he really? so i pretend like i'm confused, and ask 'why?'
he rolls his eyes and say, 'you know...'
i'm pretty sure i know, but just in case i don't, i say 'no, why?'
he says 'becuase she's a lesbian.'
at this point, i feel funny saying 'oh, i knew that,' so i say 'really???' and act surprised.
he says she really is. i want to know how he knows. only two people have every told me that terrie's a lesbian. the first is jim, and he only told me becuase he was pretty sure i was one. the second is christine, and she only told me after she knew for sure that i was one. i guess christine did say that most people knew, but i don't understand how it can be such common knowledge, when in over a year, this is the first time i've heard it mentioned by someone who doesn't know i'm gay. so, i keep playing this up. i say 'no she's not.' putting on this act is not hard. i remember clearly going through this with jim, and then it was sincere. all i have to do is call up that memory, and it's not lying anymore; it's just going back in time and telling the truth. the truth is relative, anyway. (i have quite an opinion on that. but that's a discussion for another day)
rashid says she is, and i ask how he knows. he says everybody knows. i ask how everybody knows. he says he doesn't know... he tells me that alyssa told him. i wonder how alyssa knows. he tells me to ask alyssa, and he even calls her over, but i refuse to ask the question, and we both end up looking like idiots. he says to ask malik, becuase malik knows. i don't ask malik, but he is one register over, and he hears this entire conversation. when malik leaves his register for a second, rashid tells me, 'malik likes terrie.'
i say 'if you're telling the truth, he can't,' and after the sentance leaves my mouth, i realize that it made no sense.
he realizes this too, laughs, and points out, 'i didn't say malik was gay!'
at this point, malik comes back and says 'but i am.'
rashid asks him how he got all those kids if he's gay. malik says they were accidents.
i glance over at terrie, who is behind the service desk, and turn back to rashid. i don't know what to do, besides to keep acting like i don't believe him, so i do. i accuse, 'you're making that up.'
he says he's not. he says christine's gay too, and that's why her and terrie are such good friends. i tell him no, christine's bi. he looks surprised that i knew that, and didn't know about terrie. he asks how i knew that, and i say she told me. he raises his eyebrows and says, 'ooooh, you better watch out for her,' and i'm pretty sure i know how he means that, but while i'm already putting on an act, i look confused and ask 'why? i like christine.'
he says 'you like her? you're bi too?'
i laugh and tell him, 'now, i didn't say that!'
later, he comes back over and asks if i believe him. i tell him i don't know, and i glance over at terrie again, like i'm still trying to convince myself of it. he says 'seriously! how can i prove it? everybody knows! it's practically like marie. she's bi, did you know that?'
i tell him i knew that. one major lie per day is enough. he keeps trying to convince me of it. he says that's why she got so upset that we said she was dating jp, becuase she doesn't date guys.
he comes over again, and asks if i believe him yet. i'm about tired of acting like i don't believe him, but i can't find a good place to just stop not believing. i figure it's got to be a gradual transformation, between thinking he's lying, and believing him, so i begin the transformation. i say 'so she really is...' and act like i'm musing this over.
he says 'yeah!!! ask malik!'
malik turns around and asks, 'are you guys still talking about gay stuff?'
rashid says yeah, and i ask 'so terrie really is?'
malik rolls his eyes and asks 'what's it matter?'
i say 'it really doesn't, but i just don't believe rashid.' i think that was malik's point: that it doesn't matter if i believe rashid or not, becuase it doesn't matter if he's telling the truth or not. but i don't know what else to say.
malik says i can believe rashid, and that's all he has to say about it.
rashid says he'll write an essay about it, and then get terrie to sign it. i laugh.
then alyssa comes over again and rashid says 'ask her!' i don't.
alyssa says 'i hear your question has to do with someone... liking... someone...' but she's walking away as she finishes, which is good. i don't want to hear her say it. somehow, i can handle guys talking about it, but if you bring a girl in here to tell me terrie is a lesbian, i know i'm going to get uncomfortable.
rashid starts talking about terrie liking jp again, and then says 'but so does alyssa. man, alyssa and jp... wow....'
i laugh and say 'alyssa likes 'im too?'
alyssa hears, gets all defensive, and asks 'what'd you just say about me?'
i look up in surprise and she asks 'did you say i liked girls?'
i tell her no, jp. she says 'oh, good, i thought you were saying i like girls.'
rashid and i continue this discussion throughout the night. mostly, i've decided to believe him, and it doesn't really matter, becuase we keep joking around about terrie dating jp and loving jeff. jeff is here and is confused, which makes it a bit more fun. rashid describes the essay he's going to write, and even starts writing it on my conveyor belt. actually, he writes the first word-'terrie,' and then after a few minutes, he comes back over and scribbles it out.
i know that christine said that people know and don't care, but to see it in action is a rather amazing thing. malik, thinking the whole discussion is silly, becuase who really cares whether she's gay or straight? and rashid, who treats it like nothing, and makes jokes about it. (i know that might seem like not the best way to treat it, but it's how rashid treats everything- by making off-the-wall jokes. he's turned jane's husband into an opera singer, tasha into an ex-olympian who ran the steeple chase, and he claims that billie is carrying jesus's twin brother. he is blunt, and no subject is serious enough that he'll exclude it from discussion.)

besides that interesting discussion, when rashid was on lunch, i was talking to alyssa and steve, and steve was talking about 2 live crew, and when they were first popular. they said early 90s. i said late 80s. then we were talking about music from when we were young (new kids on the block, vanilla ice), and how you bought tapes, not cds. terrie threw a pair of gloves at us from across the front end and when she came over to retrieve them, steve asked her if she remembered 2 live crew. she said yeah, and he asked when she thought they were from. she said late 80s, like 89. alyssa commented 'that would put me in... 2nd grade.' terrie said that made her feel old, becuase she was graduating from high school in 89. she said that's why we have to be nice to her, since we have to respect our elders. then she asked how old we were, and she pointed to me and said she knew i was 20, but how old was alyssa? i was amazed that she knew that. i know i've told her that, twice, actually. i can even recall the exact conversations, but that's mostly becuase terrie has become somewhat of an obsession, and i work to remember every conversation we have. if somebody random, like steve or someone, told me how old they were, i don't know if i would remember. well, if they told me twice, i probably would... i dunno, still, it made me happy that she remembered. alyssa was older than me, 21. terrie used me as the base, since our age difference was an even 10, and started talking about how there was 10 years difference, and how much stuff happened in 10 years... how 30 was old. alyssa said 21 was old enough for her. i felt young, and wanted to let them know that i would be 21 soon, so i volunteered, 'yeah, but i'ma be 30 in...'
i start to count the months, not realizing that i said the wrong age, and terrie laughs and fills in, '10 years.'
i laugh and say i meant 21 and they joke sure i did...
terrie left for the day. i was happy becuase i had a half-real conversation with terrie, instead of sounding 7 or stupid. i still sounded stupid. but not as bad, really. i can tell the difference between a laughing-at-stupid-loser-conversation that makes me a little kid and a laughing-at-stupid-loser-conversation that makes me just like any other adult who occasionally makes stupid mistakes. this was the latter.

i think this is getting long. i've got the interesting part; i'll summarize. i joked with jeff a bit. the service desk people stayed back there, the person who was supposed to be coordinator called off, and there were hardly any customers, so we were pretty much on our own, which was fun.
once, i was looking at the break list, and alyssa came over and stood next to me and looked at it too, and kept casually moving closer so she was brushing up against me and at first i moved away but when she kept doing it, i just stood still and let our sides touch. she probably wasn't doing it on purpose. i'm probably just ultra-sensitive to that kind of thing, or something.
molly came in for the night when i was bagging for rashid. malik was one over, and liz had come down to stand on the other side. all 4 of us were talking and joking and laughing, and molly sat on the side and talked a little too, mostly just to me. i think she was surprised that i talked to people, becuase usually when she comes in, i'm closing self-check by myself. (today jeff had to do that).
liz usually rides the bus, but she worked past the bus today, so she had her roommates coming to pick her up. i was going to study upstairs until molly got off, but she's not off til 5 today, and i have to work at 8 a.m. tomorrow, which wouldn't leave me with much time to sleep. liz got off a half hour after me, and they gave me a ride home. i sort of knew one of the two roommates because she went to my high school and graduated with liz. i think i'm getting better at letting people take me places. i don't know if that's good or bad.

i have to work in 6 hours. i have to wake up in 5 hours and i'm still not tired. that, for sure, is bad. i think i'm going to eat dinner, and then try to sleep.

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