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stupidfool
molly and i went searching for a place to live next year. we didn't find anything for sure, but we found some places that we want to look at more closely.

at work, i discovered i couldn't stand still. well, i can never stand still, but today it was worse. terrie wanted to get away from cheryl, so she came over by me and was complaining about cheryl and talking about other stuff and i was pretty much silent. i can't ever come up with anything to say. even my 7-year-old can't find the words. then she goes over to the rest of them and her, liz, amanda, and cheryl are all looking at horoscopes and laughing and having fun and i find myself feeling jealous and wondering why can't she talk to me like that? only then i remember that she tried, and i just stood here like i'm mute. so it's my fault. i'm dumb. i run around and put some carts back and stuff and amanda asks me what my sign is and i'm thrilled to be involved in the conversation. then terrie asks when my birthday is. i get happy for the dumbest reasons.

i climb up the registers and jump off and some customer sees me and asks if i'm a gymnast and i laugh. i can't even do a cartwheel.

my big adventure came when jane (who is off today) called terrie. terrie uses the phone by me, and then jane gets another call and puts terrie on hold. terrie complains to me about this, and then she has to go help amanda, so she thrusts the phone into my hand and says 'here, tell her i'll be right back.' i feel really dumb and i'm not sure why. terrie is still helping amanda when jane comes back so i have to talk to her... i say 'uhhh, terrie's not... she's... she said to tell you she'll be right back...' jane laughs and says 'thanks, loser.' only terrie is still helping amanda. and i don't know how to work the phone. i'm afraid if i try to put her on hold, i'll hang up on her. so i just stand there holding the phone. people talk to me and when i answer them, jane hears. finally she says, 'loser, you can put me on hold.' i tell her i don't know how. she tells me how, so i try and it doesn't work, so i get jp to help me, and then i think terrie forgets about her and eventually jane hangs up and when terrie comes back over to me, i tell her, 'i think jane hung up on you, but i just put her on hold and i know it worked becuase jp said so.' she says she forgot all about jane. i've never used a complicated phone before... i felt like i was in charge of the world. (not really. mostly i just felt dumb.)

nickolas is hilarious when he gets upset. he's so girly nice sounding that hearing him say 'jim, you better not fucking mess with me,' is hilarious! it's so nice and so evil all at once and i just laugh...

terrie leaves after 2 hours and then she calls the store and asks for me. i've never had a phone call before... i don't know how to work this either, but helen and i figure it out after several unsucessful attempts. she just wanted to know if i could find her reciept, becuase i had been there when she had put it there. i found it and put it in the office for her. i was honored.

when i got off work, instead of waiting for the bus, i ran home. i had to do something to get rid of all that energy... it was effetive. now i'm feeling pretty sleepy.

rashid wasn't there. he's not going to be there tomorrow either, which is too bad. i really like that kid... terrie is off too. marie will be there tomorrow though, and it'll be the first time in several weeks that i've worked with her.

i miss christine. it's not her body, either. now, when i think about nice bodies, i think about terrie... but i miss christine asking if i'm ok... i miss her telling me if i ever need to talk, she'll be there... even more than her concern, though, i miss her smile... i miss making her smile. i miss the way she grins at me and says, 'i love you loser,' or 'you're so cute, loser.' i miss getting that reaction from her... i wonder if i could even do that anymore. i wonder if i'm a different me now. i wonder if now that she knows the truth about me, i'm nothing to smile about anymore. i wish she didn't get fired. i wish she wasn't gone. i hope she comes in once more before i go home for christmas. i want to talk to her about my family,, but if it's just a quick trip and i can't do that, i'd settle for making her smile... god, i miss her... this is no good for me...

i think it would be neat to build a lifesize person out of legos. i bet i have enough legos to build lifesize shoes, at least. i think that would be a fun project. maybe i'll clean up a little and then try that...

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