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stupidfool
it's been 2 months since i came out of the closet. i feel like i should say something about this, or at least like i should take a moment to reflect on this thought. actually, i'm in a rather reflective mood.

first, this journal in general. it's been 8 months since i started writing stuff down here, and i'm amazed at how much things change... when i started this, i worked with christine, eric, deshawn, mark, william, laurie, stella, tommy, trent, kanesha, zeke, and jp. christine was just a co-worker, and i thought she was straight. i thought terrie was straight. i thought i didn't know any gay people. holly was just an acquaintance.
since then, all those people that i listed have quit (well, jp quit, then came back) or gotten fired. now i know christine is bi and i know about her girlfriend and her family and all kinds of stuff... i know terrie is a lesbian. christine and jim know the truth about me. holly became my friend, and then dissappeared again.

and me? well, i learned that maybe i can be paranoid, and maybe i can over-analyze stuff, but i'm not always completely wrong... yeah, sometimes i'm dead wrong. like when i sent jim that email over the summer, and thought he won't be able to read 'i'm gay.' from that... i don't know how it looks to anybody else, but i know jim will be clueless. that was sooo wrong. he knew when he read it. and when i thought terrie was younger than jane, that was absolutely false. but when i was convinced that terrie thought i was a lesbian, i was right. when i decided that christine wrote marie that note, i was right. when i heard christine talk to the policeman, and thought guys like to watch lesbians... what if that's what they're talking about?, that was what they were talking about.

i learned for sure that being an adult is not for me, or not yet. i guess i've known that for a while, but i proved it to myself. i took that internship with a bunch of old people, and just felt out of place. even when i eventually got used to it, i was used to being the child for them to laugh at, not being their equal. i can handle the work, but socially, i just can't cut it. to contrast, i also worked with a bunch of high school kids, and i had fun, they liked me, and i made some new friends. they're all 2 years younger than me. i would like to say that i've grown up a lot since i started this, but if i have, i still haven't grown up enough.

so maybe i haven't grown up, but i have grown... i have made progress. i am out of the closet to two people, and i have been out for exactly 2 months. i am really getting used to the thought of them knowing. i mean, when i first thought jim knew, i couldn't stand it. i was punching myself, hiding from the world, and just going insane. now, it's ok. i talk to jim, and he talks to me, and he knows, and it's ok. yesterday, i stood and talked to jim and christine about that whole chain of events. there were people around, so nobody ever came flat out and said it, but all three of us knew that the main thing behind all that mess-the secret that christine wouldn't tell the policelady, the thing that made me go so crazy that jim almost got fired for harrassment, the reason i wanted to quit working there-is that i'm a lesbian. and that was ok. it was ok with them, and it was ok with me too. they know, and that's ok. it's more than ok. it's good. it's comfortable. it's nice. i feel free. i like it.

plus, i agreed with jim when he said alicia keys was cute. that doesn't sound like much, but it is a big step for me...

i don't know what happens now. i don't know what i'm going to do over break. i don't know if i'll get to see holly. i have this funny idea that if i see her, i'm going to tell her, and i don't really know why i'm thinking that. i also might tell my parents or my sister or even katie or nikki, if i see enough of either of them. there's only a very small chance that i'll actually tell anybody, but i'm bringing christine's phone number home, just in case something goes bad and i suddenly feel like i can call her...

anyway, now i really need to pack. i'm going home in a few hours, so i might stop in a few times over break if anything interesting happens, and i get the chance to get at the computer. otherwise, i'm going to have to live without a livejournal until january 5th...

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(Deleted comment)
Your journal is like a movie.... and you write a lot of stuff, I read most of it though....and I'm still confused about some things....I guess it's a have to be there thing or something. Later...

am i that confusing? (maybe that's a dumb question, because half the time, i'm probably just confusing because i'm confused... i never know what's going on...)

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