Previous Entry Share Next Entry
(no subject)
stupidfool
what i've done since i left columubus (in no particular order):


  • went to katie's family's annual christmas party. katie wasn't there until the very end, so i played a game with jamie, tara, fly, d, and trisha. trisha told me about life up at the store becuase she's back working there, just for break. then they watched some really dumb movie, just becuase harrison ford was in it. me and jamie went in the other room and taught each other yo-yo tricks.
  • went shopping with fly to do almost all of my christmas shopping on december 24th. she is a good shopper. i owe her big time...
  • went to see vanilla sky with fly, d, jamie, tara, katie, alan, and his friend who i hardly know. that was a crazy movie, and i felt like maybe i was that guy, only i never get to know it. (that was an attempt to say something without ruining the ending of the movie, and it probably came out just sounding dumb)
  • went out to eat with katie and jamie, just for fun.
  • hung out with nikki for a while and exchanged christmas gifts.
  • baked huge cookies, becuase i accidentally asked my mom why she hadn't made any christmas cookies this year, and she said she hadn't had time, but since i wanted them, i could make them myself... they turned out ok. big, but ok.
  • emailed jim becuase he told me merry christmas and i forgot to say merry christmas back. i told him i felt guilty, so i had to make sure i at least said it sometime. really, i feel only slightly guilty about that. what i feel really guilty about was (and still is) christine, becuase now that i'm home, i can't stop thinking about her saying 'i think it helped, don't you?' (referring to when she stopped me from quitting my job, took me outside, talked me out of the closet, talked me through it for almost an hour, and helped me regain my sanity), and i couldn't even say yes. i feel awful, like she thinks i didn't appreciate it when in reality, i appreciate it more than i could ever tell her. i should have said yes... i feel awful every time i think about it. so i told jim about that too, which was maybe dumb, but i think i needed to tell somebody becuase that guilt was just filling me up...
  • emailed brandy, wishing her a merry christmas. this is mostly becuase i'm hoping that she'll contact me while i'm home, and if i get to see her, i might get to see holly... you can call it wishful thinking. it probably is.
  • i went up to the store. there is a new manager and lots of new people, but molly (my old boss) saw me and when i waved, she said, 'you should have called me! you could have worked!' i told her i would have, but i had just gotten home, and i would be leaving soon. it felt good to know she wanted me to come back, though.


i think that's probably it. my grandparents are here, for the first christmas celebration, which was today. it was fine. i didn't give or get anything particularly exciting, but i think that's ok, becuase i didn't really want anything that you can wrap up anyway. they (my grandparents) get annoyed when i don't stay still. but they like to talk about how i was when i was little. they talk about fly and d in the present tense, and discuss all the great things they do now. but whenever they talk about the kids when they were little, it's me who steals the show. they say i was so quiet, and i heard everything that happened. i was brilliant, and could listen to 5 conversations at once. they say i was precious, and so innocent and adorable, with wide eyes that took everything in. my mom adds, 'but she wasn't still, even then.' they shrug, becuase then it was ok. little kids are supposed to be energetic. it's part of the charm.

i guess a lot has happened. i mean, i've been busy. however, i feel like time is standing still. i feel like my life stopped. everything is just on pause. here is not where life happens. life happens in columbus, and when i'm here, life stops and waits for me to get back. i don't know why i think this. really, nothing is waiting for me to get back. jim will be gone when i get back. i don't know exactly what, but i'm sure other things will have changed too. and things will happen here that will become a part of me. but still i feel like this is not my life, just a very long dream.

sometimes i think i'm trapped inside of loser. i am me. i am gay. i like talking to jim and christine becuase when i talk to them, it's me talking. when they look at loser, they see me. with anybody else, it's loser talking. when they look at loser, all they see is loser. they don't even know that i'm stuck inside her. i guess that's my fault.

the other thing i've been thinking about is family. (i'm going to leave jake out of this discussion becuase maybe i like him anyway, but the kid drives me up the wall... it's hard to think of him and maintain that warm fuzzy feeling...) i like my family. if i had to pick a family, i don't know if i'd pick them, but you don't pick your family. nobody does. and given that i'm stuck with them, they're pretty cool. my parents love me. they may like fly and d more, but they try hard not to show it, and they still love me. i'm still their kid. my grandparents too. and fly and d are great. i'm closer to fly, i guess, but both of them like me, and i like them. they're all good people. and holidays like this make you really appreciate them. i think it's the traditions that get me the most. when everybody's sitting around the table, eating christmas dinner, how can you not love your family? this brings me to christine. she doesn't get to do this, probably. i hope she and her family made up, and she got to go home for christmas. especially this year, nobody deserves to be without their family on christmas, no matter who their girlfriend is... this leads me back to me, and i stop to wonder why i like this so much anyway. i'm not sitting at this table. loser is. they don't even know me at all. i'd be better off by myself, where me and loser are one and the same, and nobody's seeing who i'm not, becuase nobody's looking. but that's dumb too. i get upset becuase my family doesn't even know me, but that's only true becuase i haven't given them the chance to know me. christine said i should give them a chance. maybe i should give them a chance... take my life off of pause... i don't know how, though. and i'm scared, so i probably won't.

that's the end, for real. i had this nice short list going, but then i had to go and ramble... it's ok. it might bore other people, but i think it helps me sometimes, and that's the point, right?



p.s. i hope everyone out there in lj-land had a very nice christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate. and if this isn't a holiday season for you, i hope you've had a great week anyway.

?

Log in

No account? Create an account