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stupidfool
i don't really have anything to say, but while i'm going to have to go through the whole process of sorting through my temporary internet files to delete all evidence that i'm gay, i figured i may as well update.

i'm stuck thinking about a million things. i've decided that it's best not to worry about aunt ellen's speech becuase as it stands right now, if there is a god, i'm already going to hell for not being sure that he exists. and besides, it is a rather stupid comparison. i am not like a murderer, and i find it hard to believe that this loving god (if he exists) could really think i am. of course, deciding that i shouldn't worry and actually not worrying are two separate things, but i'm working on it...

i'm trying to decide if i'm ready to come out... i posted a reply to a comment in lesbian discussing this, so rather than re-type it all, i'm just going to copy it:

how do you know when you're ready to come out? for me, 2 people know (christine & jim), and when christine dragged me out of the closet, i was more upset than i've ever been, and i was sure that i wasn't ready to be out. but since then, i've come to appreciate that as probably the greatest thing that anybody's ever done for me. i love talking to christine and jim, even if we're discussing something completely unrelated to sexuality, becuase i just feel free. i know that while everybody else talks to the person they think i am, those two are actually talking to me, and i love it. i wish things were that way with all my friends and my family too, and i think i'm even ready to deal with losing friends over it. i don't want it to happen, but if it does, i think i could handle it becuase if they can't accept me for who i am, then i don't need them. however, i still can't say 'gay' or 'homosexual' or 'lesbian' in connection with myself... i am fairly comfortable with who i am, but i'm not comfortable defending it. i guess basically, i'm ready to be out, but i'm not ready to actually come out. sometimes i think this will get better with time, and if i wait long enough, i'll be ready to just do it. but then i'm afraid that the only thing that will make me feel like i can come out is practice, and the only way to practice is to just do it now, and maybe after it happens, i'll realize that i was ready...

i think about holly often. i wonder if she's bi. now that she's gone and it wouldn't make a difference if she was, i decide to consider this. i LIKE holly. i've started conversations online with her twice. i think i would appear to be stalking her if i did it again anytime soon, so unless i have something to say, i'm going to stop. something inside of me is hoping that she will think it's her turn, and sometime she'll just decide to talk to me. and then maybe i can see her over spring break, or summer. maybe she'll be bi. and hey, while i'm being unrealistic, maybe we'll start dating and then we'll elope to hawaii where we can legally marry and live happily ever after.

jim emailed me back and jim is great. he is funny. he is great. i am glad that i have jim as my friend. he hasn't quit yet. something got delayed, so he'll still work with me for a few weeks. i would say that this is going to wind up just like terrie, how he says he's quitting but never does, but i don't want to get my hopes up. he said we should hang out sometime -me, him, molly, and aaron- becuase that was fun. i agree, but i haven't agreed in writing yet becuase i don't like to answer emails too quickly. it makes people think that i have no life and have nothing better to do than answer their emails immediately. of course, this is the truth, but they don't have to know that...

i miss christine. i miss her for a million and a half different reasons. i am going insane because i think she is a voice in my head. i try to have conversations with her... i discuss my aunt's speech with the christine in my head. i discuss coming out with her. she doesn't have the answers becuase she is only a figment of my imagination, and i don't have the answers. i hope i get the chance to talk to the real christine sometime. i need to practice talking about being gay to some real people, and she would be perfect...

i actually miss terrie too, and not because of her body. i miss being in the same room as a real live lesbian...

i'm practicing saying 'gay.' i realize that i say it all the time when i sing christmas carols, and i just don't realize it becuase i know they're not talking about the homosexaul variety... so when i'm alone in the house or the car, i sing one line from deck the halls. don we now our gay apparel then i get rid of everything but our gay apparel. and then i get rid of our. the hard part is chopping off 'apparel.' it's hard to just say 'gay,' so i've been sticking with 'gay apparel,' and gradually slowing it down until the two words are so far apart that they're two separate concepts, and i've said gay. the only problem is that i can just hear me coming out of the closet to molly... molly, i've got something to tell you... i'm gay apparel.

tomorrow i'm going to visit cindy at her school. the next day, i go back to my apartment. the next day, i go back to work, and two days after that, school starts. my life is about to begin again... i wish i could completely settle some stuff in my head before i start all that school stuff up again. i wish i was already out of the closet, and i wish i would stop worrying about whether god wants me to hide the fact that i'm gay...

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