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stupidfool
this is way out of context, and when i catch up, you'll see the background on this. but for now, i need to put this down, before it fades. these are almost exact words, and definitely exact sentiments, of things that she said to me in the conversation we just had. i need to remember these, so that when i start to feel abandoned or unloved or like she's not going to be my friend any more, i can know that she said this, and she means this, and that i need to stop. so here goes:

debbie, i love you. i love being your friend, and i love hanging out with you, and we've been through so much together... i don't want to stop being your friend.

you have to start being more secure in our friendship...

you have to stop thinking that i'm mad at you... and even if i am mad at you, so what? do you really think that one fight would end our friendship? that i'd get mad at you and then never talk to you again? no... if i'm mad at you, then we'll both take some time to cool down, and we'll find some time to sit down and talk it through. we've been through too much for one thing to make me become mad at you forever...

if i wind up never talking to you and never seeing you, then i give you permission to call me crying about it, then. but we can make plans--we will make plans. i have no problem with spending an evening away from her to go out to dinner with you, if i haven't seen you in a week... i'm not just going to forget about you.

honestly, those freak-outs, those are going to push me away. that's when i need to step back and take time and space... any time you need to talk to me, i want to be here for you, but i can't handle you crying and screaming incoherently... i'm letting you know, the next time that happens, i'm not dealing with it.

i love you, debbie. we have fun together, and i don't want that to change. i might not be able to see you every day, but that doesn't change our friendship... we'll hang out, we'll play ddr, we'll go out to eat... i'm not going to stop being your friend.

don't cry... come here. *hugs*


and i'm crying as i type this because as much as i want to believe differently, i can see that this is neither an end nor a beginning. i can already see the ways in which this will not be enough, the ways in which nothing will ever be enough. no friend, no lover, no person could ever be reasonably expected to be what i need for them to be, and yet i can't stop feeling like that's what i need... and i can't stop the horrible pain that i feel when i don't get it.
so really, in the long run, what will this conversation provide for me? wider struggles and more pain, that's all.
i'm so sick of this. i just want to be able to feel satisfied with what i have, when logic tells me that what i have is perfect. why can't i do that???????

?

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