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stupidfool
today molly and i went apartment shopping. i still feel like if i'm ever going to tell her the truth, i should do it now, before it's too late for her to get out of living with me next year. but then sometimes i feel like it's already too late, becuase she's already turned down another roommate (who she didn't really like, but was going to live with if i lived with alana and lauren), and it's too late for me to tell her now. and then sometimes i think that i'm never going to tell her anyway, so it doesn't matter.

i went to class. i think it's going to be ok. molly, jack and i are alost for sure going to get to be in a group together, along with probably a few other people. and alana is also in that class, and she said hi to me when she got there, which means she doesn't think she hates me. i don't really know what happened in class though. that's why i hate going to class. i never pay attention so it feels like a waste of time, but i know it still helps. even though i don't feel like i'm paying attention, i know there's that little tape recorder in my head that's doing a decent job of listening to what the teacher says, and if i'm lucky, it will play it back for me when i need it.

then i went over to katie's, and after i was there for a little, nikki showed up with one of her roommates, who i had never met before. she was nice. it was the first time i had seen katie and nikki at the same time in nearly a year, i think. i guess nikki's finally starting to get over whatever problem she had with katie's boyfriend... (well, she still hates katie's boyfriend, but i guess she's decided to stop taking it out on katie).

when i got back here, alana had already come and left for the night, but lauren said that she had seemed fine, and she had even apologized for her outburst the other night. lauren thinks she's back on her meds. then lauren talked to me FOREVER. i don't see how she can ever get anything done without being in solitary confinement. even then, i think she might start talking to the walls because after she started repeating herself, i probably wasn't much better than a wall. i played gta3 and pretty much ignored her, hoping she would take the hint that i was tired of listening to her. she didn't. it's crazy. she talks until she runs out of things to say, and then she just keeps on talking, and never even pauses for long enough for me to do anything but nod or mumble one or two words, like 'yeah' or 'ok' or 'i see.' this is why i'm afraid to tell lauren i'm gay, and i don't know if it's a good reason. i don't actually know whether she can keep secrets. it's very possible that she is keeping a million secrets, and only talks about everything else. i just automatically assume that if she talks that much, she can't be good at keeping secrets. but besides that, if i come out of the closet, i think i want to get to do some of the talking. i might not be ready to say much (like i sure wasn't when christine outed me), but i want to know that if i wanted to say something, i would be able to. when lauren gets started, it's hard to get a chance to say anything.

i think it's bad that so much of my life seems to revolve around coming out of the closet and being gay. it seems like everything ends up relating to that, and i think that's bad. maybe if i was out of the closet, it wouldn't be such a big deal, and i wouldn't worry about it so much...

i made pork chops with stuffing for dinner and it was good.

i like ice cream. edy's homemade brownie a la mode. mmmmmmm...

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