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stupidfool
i got up and chris came to visit molly. lauren was here, and as she left for class, alana and her boyfriend came in. all of us talked for not so long, and then lauren left for class, and then alana and her boyfriend went to hide out in her room, and then i left for work. but for a short time, alana was with all of us, and everything was fine. she didn't mention the other night, and neither did i, but i guess she's ok now... i just hope that it was only a one-time thing, and i don't have to worry about her blowing up anytime i say anything from here on out.

jim was at work, and i think i'm starting to get nervous around jim becuase i worry that he thinks i want to date him... i wish i would just stop thinking so much, becuase i used to love being around jim. i get worried that maybe he doesn't understand the meaning of the word 'lesbian.' what if that's not even the word she used when she told him about me? i have no idea what christine told jim. i think she got the point across, but neither of them have told me what she said to him, so i don't know anything for sure... i wish she would have tape recorded that conversation for me. he didn't bring up skiing again. i don't know if i should tell molly and make sure to keep that date free or not.

terrie was there. terrie is hot. i type that way too often. you know what else i type way too often? christine. i haven't seen her in nearly a month, but i still mention her a million times a day. i think i should just put 'terrie is hot' and 'christine' in my bio, becuase what's the point in typing them every day? of course, even if i put it there, i would probably still type it every day. it's hard to think about terrie without remembering that she's hot. i can't talk to her, ever, and today was no exception. it's hard because she comes over and i get all nervous and start thinking that she's hot and that she's a lesbian and worrying that she knows i think she's hot, and i also have to fight the desire to just reach out and grab her ass (becuase damn, her ass is fine), so of course i don't have a chance of speaking to her. she talked to me all the time, calling ann a bitch, and complaining about ayrik, and telling me about the groceries she's going to buy and i smile and nod and wish i had something to say and didn't feel quite so dumb.

i was thinking that maybe this goes in stages, and this thought made me happy becuase it finally gave holly a logical place in my mind. i remember being that quiet around christine when i first met her... she was hot, i was overwhelmed, and i had nothing to say. i remember the first time she took me home and i think i was lucky if i said two words the whole trip. she talked to me though, and she kept talking to me, no matter how many times i proved to her that i was a horrible conversationalist. gradually, i started feeling more comfortable around her. i guess i shouldn't count when i came out of the closet, but go before that, to maybe the time she talked to me about quitting school. compare sitting alone in the dark with her then to sitting alone in her car with her the first time she took me home, and i was 100 times more comfortable in the dark. i still thought she was hot, but that didn't matter. she was hot, but she was christine, and i'm ok around christine.
then i think after that, i progress to the holly-stage, where i'm so comfortable that i don't even notice how hot she is until she does something like run her hand over my back, and then my hormones remind me that i might like holly as a person, but she can make me feel pretty good too.

to make it very logical for me:
stage 1) they're a nice body and i hardly remember that they're a person too.
stage 2) they're a nice body and a nice person
stage 3) they're a nice person, and i hardly remember that they're a nice body too.

i could probably expand this to hold people other than hot girls. like add on a stage 4-nice person, and it could hold all the nice guys i know, and people like molly and alana. (hmmm, but while i'm on the topic of alana, it's slightly strange how she moved through my stages... she probably went 4->3->2->3->4, and she's the only one who's ever gone backwards like that) add a pre-stage 1, like stage 0, and that's where taysha is, and where terrie was before christine left-just a little hot. go back a little before that, and you hit marie. stage negative 1: i think she's ugly and not a nice person at all, but i'd probably fuck her anyway, if i ever got the chance (yeah, i am an awful person). holly is in stage 3. christine is probably in 2, but i am trying my hardest to shove her into 3 or beyond, because i am the worst person in the world for thinking she looks good and the guilt is killing me. terrie is stuck in stage 1. that was my point, i think, that terrie has been in stage 1 ever since christine left, and i wish i felt like i was making a little progress here...

i like when i can make things fit neatly into categories and make sense. i don't like doing it when i'm tired, becuase half the time, i wake up the next morning, and realize that it wasn't logical at all. i'm pretty tired, so maybe i should stop it now.

back to work: i said a complete sentance to terrie. jim was there, which might have helped. it was illogical anyway. she asked if i had seen prudy leave. i hesitated, becuase i hadn't seen prudy leave, but i was afraid that saying no would give her the impression that prudy was still in the store, and i wasn't sure of that. i hadn't been paying any attention to whether she had left or not. finally i said 'well, no... but i didn't see her not leave either.' terrie and jim both laughed, and terrie asked 'how did i know you were going to say that?' and then mimicked me and i felt dumb.
later, she handed me this toy and told me to pull the string, so i did, figuring it was going to sing or make some noise. instead, it vibrated and i jumped about a mile and she laughed and told me that she knew i was going to do that. i'd like to know how she can possibly know me so well, when i can't even speak to her.

when i was done, i waited outside again. i miss my christine.

i came back and molly, aaron, and i spent way too long trying to find a shortcut in some snow world of mario 64. we never could make it work how we thought it might.

they went to bed. i promised myself that i would go to bed after i beat one mission in gta3. it took me 2 hours. don't play video games when you're tired.

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